Midwifery?

I've been all in my head about my purpose (who is thinking of Steve Martin yelling, "Hey Mah! I've found my PURPOSE!!"). My husband's purpose seems to be not to worry about a purpose and accept each day as a challenge and joy. I think that is admirable, but I want a calling, something to devote many of my efforts to.

Currently, I wake up around 7am, get ready for work without doing my hair or make-up, drop the kiddo off at Grannie's, work on this computer all day, usually drawing up construction drawing, but on the slow times like now, blog, read other blogs, whatever, get off work, pick up the kiddo, fill my evening with friends, fun, at home movies, chores, and playing with the kiddo, then go to bed. Every day it is just the same. Sameness can be hard for me, I thrive on change, but I think sameness with a purpose would be slightly more fulfilling.

A little disclaimer - I know a job doesn't necessarily equal a purpose or calling. I know even fulfilling my calling life can be hard and boring. I know I can't wait to be happy until my calling has been given to me, but that I need to find joy now, in this moment.

But I still want a calling.

This all started when I finally started coming to the grips that I might not get to stay at home with my kiddos. I desperately want to, but it just looks like that isn't an option. Rather, I should stop waiting for it to be an option. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. However, drafting was never on my great big list of things I'd like to be when I grew up. In fact, that list consisted of nothing involving sitting behind a desk all day. I'm bored. and I feel like I'm not contributing to society in a way that would be truly useful. So the cogs started turning...

I came to two conclusions as a career path to follow; midwifery and teaching math to JH students. Yup...

Upon further consideration I've decided that while I could tolerate teaching, it wasn't my bag of marbles. Ultimately I think I would feel the same way I do now. Stuck. Birth, however, feels right. I LOVE birth. I can't wait to do it again. I want other people to love birth, to feel victorious, to feel strong! I want other people to show themselves how powerful and loving they are. I want to see babies meet their moms and dads for the first time. I want to counsel people through their fears and doubts to see them conquer those feelings! Unfortunately there are two "complications" (read: two things that scare me). 1) Education. To become a Certified Nurse Midwife I would have to go to school for about 8 years part time (remember, I have to work). It would take a year or two to become a Certified Professional Midwife. One is a master's degree and the other is a certification. One is official schooling and one is an apprenticeship. They do the same thing (mostly) and make the same money with where I would want to take things, so it makes sense to take less time to get doing what it is I really want to do. But I don't want to be less qualified doing it. Such is the dilemma. So that is the first fear. Minor in comparison to the second.

I would be so very responsible. These are people's lives. These are souls straight from heaven. What if I mess up (and I will. I'm not perfect, remember?). What if when I mess up someone gets hurt or dies? Does that mean I am a bad midwife and need to stop practicing, or does that mean I grieve, LEARN, forgive myself, and keep going? I know I would have to keep going. But oh, to be the one around and "in charge" when the One really in charge decides this person needs to go back to him after so short a time? What would I do with the parents pain? How could I possibly have a procedure for that? How do you explain? What if it happened twice? Could I say, like an OB, that these things just happen and we just don't know why? Or would we have the extra weight of being "irresponsible" trying to give birth outside of a hospital. Well, we would have that weight, but what do you do with such a lie? Goodness knows if I get in this and find out I'm not very good at it, I will stop immediately and go back to my safe drafting. And that is the difference isn't it?

Birthing can be very unsafe. How do you educate a parent of the risks without scaring their cervix shut? For those unaware, fear is the number one reason women don't progress in labor. Animals and humans alike have the ability to close back up when they feel like they are in danger (ie when they are suddenly being hunted). It is fortuante that most women choosing midwives are doing so with a lot of education. They understand many of the risks, but they are still putting much of their trust in me. And I a terrified that instead of that increasing the safety of their birth, that it might increase the danger.

Maybe this is a healthy fear that will propel me into being the best I can be. I hope this isn't a fear that locks me down and stops me, if this is truly what I am called to do.

Still, the decision is all but made. Anything can get in the way, and if this isn't the Lord's will, I pray that something would. But for now it seems I am getting ready to leave the grass plains of predictability and about the enter an unknown forest of danger and mystery.

Either way, husband has made a very valid point. No career shifts until I have finished my Associates Degree. I have 3-4 classes left, so it is just a matter of doing it. I totally agree with him. *sigh* At least there is a bit of transition (pun intended!) between all of this.