New Year's Resolution

I had stopped making a resolution because it was always to lose weight, which I never successfully did. This year has been an interesting one as far as my weight/health goes. I have weighed more than I ever have before in my life. I've lost more than I ever have before in my life. The best part about this journey is that I am currently failing, but I am not quitting, and this is a new and good thing for me.

It is human nature to quit something when you start failing at it. Games, school, relationships, a recipe, anything. If we are bad at something, we just stop trying to succeed. That has always been my approach to weight loss (I won't use the word "dieting". A diet is a way of eating, which is only part of a weight loss journey). In Weight Watchers, I hit a plateau at 184 and quit. In Turbo Jam, walking, Julian Michaels, or any other exercise program, I was very bad at it, so I quit. I was so ashamed to be so bad at it, and I didn't have anyone telling me it was okay to be bad, that I would get better. I'm learning, there is no shame in being bad at something. The shame comes when you refuse to get better.

And it is a real shame to want to do something, but to give up because you are bad at it. Would I ever critisize a 7 y/o for being bad at baseball? Of course not! They haven't been playing for years and years. I'm not talking about being good on a professional level, I am talking about being good at something on a pleasurable level. By the time that 7 y/o is playing softball with his company's league, he isn't shabby. Especially if he stuck with it through school.

My point is, I want to lose weight, and I'm a really bad at it. Weigh Down worked wonders, but I'm bad at it. I ordered ChaLEAN Extreme, and I know I will be bad at it. This time, however, I am going to try it and see if I LIKE it, not try and see ifI am GOOD at it. I am trying to find things I enjoy. I don't like cardio, I'm finding out. I don't like frequently being in motion. I like to sometimes be in motion, but not all the time. What I also like is to feel strong. I like when I can lift something and feel my muscles engage. I've always stuck best to weight lifting. In college, I would skip the cardio part of the workout if I were going to skip anything. I just love being strong. So I thought, "I'll try lifting some weights?"

And this pressure that sits on my shoulders to be as good, to look as good just isnt there anymore. I'm not going to be a model. I'm a mother and a wife whose highest aspiration in life is to do soemthing meaningful, which will probably having nothing to do with the way I look. What is important is that I am healthy and feel capable. Why shouldn't I be able to hold my toddler and dance around? Why shouldn't I be able to sit up in bed without my arms? Why shouldn't I be able to run around or hurry somewhere without being winded? What I am bothered about is just feeling incapable.

And it is going to get so much worse. I will get bigger and older. This weight will take greater and greater tolls on my health. While I currently enjoy ridiculously good health and comfort for being 100 lbs overweight, I know I won't always. I will have back problems, I will get diabetes, I will hurt my joints, I will have heart problems, I will shave years off my life, and the remaining ones will be painful and I won't be able to make the best of them.

I've been bad at keep resolutions because I quit. I quit because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm bad. I feel bad because I am comparing my self to fitness veterens. So I quit for reasons that don't even matter. Even though I have been doing poorly with Weigh Down, I have't quit. I've kept going. I have gained a few lbs back. However, I know I will hit my stride again and I'll lose 20 more lbs. then I might get stuck, and I'll just wait it out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to force myself to do something I don't want to do. This time, however, I'm not giving up. If I am bulldozed in ever other area of this journey, fine, but I am determined to overcome quitting. Even if by struggling against the current I stay in the same exact spot, at least I'm not 50 ft down stream where I started. I've learned that lesson too many times. Get discouraged and quit, and then end up gaining more weight than before. It was better to just keep doing and be bad at it!

So that is the resolution. I'm going to find something I enjoy doing and work on getting better at it. Instead of focusing on a goal, I am going to focus on a process. It doesn't matter if I am in a size 6 if I don't have the skills and the knowledge to STAY in a size 6. Or 10 or 12 or whatever. I think this will always be my resolution. I'm sure with a thought process like this I won't always have weight problems, but there is always some problem in life to tackle. Instead of trying to just fix the problem, I need to find a way to fix the problem that makes me feel good. The problem was probably created by a process and it is truely the process that needs fixing, which can only be done by another process, so I might as well find joy in the processes that fix the processes in my life I am not enjoying.