Time to Time

I guess that just happens from time to time. I look up and realize I haven't posted anything on here for a year.

I guess I just do not know what to say.

My marriage is going better. A lot better.

I got a job after two years of being a stay at home mom. A really good job.

Matthew is doing so well in preschool. He wrote his name on all of his valentines by himself and ordered broccoli at the restaurant for dinner. So proud.

The epilepsy is going stronger than ever. My child has dozens of seizures a day and hundreds of seizures a week. I feel so so so very defeated. I had so much hope. It is just gone. We start a new drug soon (whenever it comes in the mail), and I am so certain it will not work, I am already planning a retrial of the ketogenic diet. I don't really think that will work either. No matter what we have done, the seizures have just gone up. Up. Up. My sweet girl smiles, crawls, sometimes laughs, and stands. She does not walk. She does not learn. She does not talk. She does not chew. She does not care. She tries so hard, but her piece of shit brain, that I am sure I fucked up, holds her back.

You can see that there is so much to be thankful for. I am just so astonished that her disease is actually worse. I am slayed. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, and I am just now finding the energy to put it all back together again. It is so hard too. I just got this job at this amazing company. I was picked to be in a group of 47 new employees out of 2700 applicants. That is awesome. It is just so hard. I've been all about epilepsy, I don't even know what to do. I don't know how to introduce myself to all these people without talking about it, without telling them how brokenhearted I am. How strange is that? The people who know me, they know I'm just trying to do the best I can with a broken heart. These strangers though, I just don't want them to ask, "What is the deal with this Lady? Something is off." I just want them to know what is it, why I am so off. I just need to let it go. I am just sad, that is a part of my personality right now. I've even lost muscle tone in my face from not smiling. My eyes physically droop more than they used to. Isn't that wild? And sad?

You know, pity doesn't bother me. It is the misunderstanding that bothers me. I'm not the bubbly, confident, put you at ease girl I used to be. I want you to know I used to be that way. But right now, she is taking a time out, I guess. Don't take this version of me too personally. It gets better, I promise.

I'm not even making sense. I told you I didn't know what to say.