I just want to be at home with my child. I wasn't made for this, for spending so much time away from him, to not be the one raising him and making the daily decisions for him. I wasn't made to sit all day behind someone else's computer, doing someone else's job, thinking about other people's banks, while someone else takes care of my child. This is so hard. I don't think I've gone through anything this difficult, this painful.
Will I always be that woman who couldn't let it go? Who always mourned about it? Will I always be that mom who's day is haunted by this greater desire? Who drags everyone else down because she can't have what she wants?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Asian So So
So my Asian Extravaganza went okay. I'll chock it up to WAY to many dishes. Spring rolls, peanut sauce, Pad Thai, cole slaw, and cold peanut noodles. And I was trying to have a pretty deep conversation with a friend. AND I was trying to to ignore my son too much. It was a crazy night. I hit the ground running at 4:45, stopped to eat and chat without cooking at some point and got all the dishes done by 10:45. And I hardly left the kitchen (we didn't have anything to make a pallette for my son in the kitchen, so I had to put him down in his own room). Crazy! Here is how it went.
Peanut sauce: So, um, not what I was hankering for, but not so bad. Its hard for anything to measure up when I have a hankering for it. Nothing else will do.... so actually, on its own, not compared to my fav sauce at my fav pho place, pretty good.
Spring rolls: one of them was so flimsy and torn that i just demolished it and at the innards. Can't really mess up the taste of these guys, but it just never came together.... HOW do they roll them so tight without busting the wrapper?! I'll check it out on YouTube...
Pad Thai: Now this... This turned out very well. I roasted some chicken legs separately and added the picked off meat when all was cooked because I am just terrible at cooking meat in a pan like that. My fat fake wok performed very nicely. It might not be up to a professional's standards, but to this novice, everything was sizzlin just the way I needed, so it meets my standards! the noodles weren't overcooked, the sauce tasted like actual Pad Thai, veggie's were yum, egg was yum, it was yum. It was a little too sticky, so next time I'll remember to have some water at the ready to keep the sauce wet. Also, I didn't make sure I had equal portions of the ingredients for the sauce and I think it came out a little less sweet than I remembered. This was a little too tart for me, but I'll know next time when I measure them by weight. For a learning experience, I'd say this turned out VERY well. But that was my first sentence, sooooo...
Cole Slaw: shredded cabbage (1/2 a head) 2 parts apple cider vinegar, 5 parts olive oil to make about (1 & 1/2 cups of dressing or less) and then honey to taste. I used about 2-3 Tbs. Also, salt and pepper to taste. Let it wilt in the fridge overnight, YUM. Stupid Easy. Thanks Dad for this one! Oh, next time I'll add the black sesame seeds I picked up for our next dish....
Cold Peanut Noodles: I can't even remember where I picked up this recipe, but it flopped. Well, I flopped. I totally didn't follow the recipe, and I might try again and actually do that. I gave it to the husband for lunch and he threw it out... oops.. Something was just... wrong.. eh.
So, one huge night of experiments and MAN did I learn a lot. I mean a lot. Except I still don't know how to roll those stupid spring rolls... oh yeah, YouTube. Peace!
Peanut sauce: So, um, not what I was hankering for, but not so bad. Its hard for anything to measure up when I have a hankering for it. Nothing else will do.... so actually, on its own, not compared to my fav sauce at my fav pho place, pretty good.
Spring rolls: one of them was so flimsy and torn that i just demolished it and at the innards. Can't really mess up the taste of these guys, but it just never came together.... HOW do they roll them so tight without busting the wrapper?! I'll check it out on YouTube...
Pad Thai: Now this... This turned out very well. I roasted some chicken legs separately and added the picked off meat when all was cooked because I am just terrible at cooking meat in a pan like that. My fat fake wok performed very nicely. It might not be up to a professional's standards, but to this novice, everything was sizzlin just the way I needed, so it meets my standards! the noodles weren't overcooked, the sauce tasted like actual Pad Thai, veggie's were yum, egg was yum, it was yum. It was a little too sticky, so next time I'll remember to have some water at the ready to keep the sauce wet. Also, I didn't make sure I had equal portions of the ingredients for the sauce and I think it came out a little less sweet than I remembered. This was a little too tart for me, but I'll know next time when I measure them by weight. For a learning experience, I'd say this turned out VERY well. But that was my first sentence, sooooo...
Cole Slaw: shredded cabbage (1/2 a head) 2 parts apple cider vinegar, 5 parts olive oil to make about (1 & 1/2 cups of dressing or less) and then honey to taste. I used about 2-3 Tbs. Also, salt and pepper to taste. Let it wilt in the fridge overnight, YUM. Stupid Easy. Thanks Dad for this one! Oh, next time I'll add the black sesame seeds I picked up for our next dish....
Cold Peanut Noodles: I can't even remember where I picked up this recipe, but it flopped. Well, I flopped. I totally didn't follow the recipe, and I might try again and actually do that. I gave it to the husband for lunch and he threw it out... oops.. Something was just... wrong.. eh.
So, one huge night of experiments and MAN did I learn a lot. I mean a lot. Except I still don't know how to roll those stupid spring rolls... oh yeah, YouTube. Peace!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Asian Extravagaza
I am going to have a WILD night!
I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!
For dinner this evening, I will be enjoying some fresh shrimp spring rolls with peanut sauce as an appetizer. Then I will be frying myself up some chicken pad thai for dinner. Oh Lord, help me, I am so exited. Dessert might be another spring roll.
Really though, I have no good reason to be so elated, the last times I tried to make these dishes, they were utterly TERRIBLE. Just disgusting. But I'm so excited, surely they will turn out well today?!
I think I'm actually quivering with excitement over here.
I'm pretty obsessed with a few food blogs right now, and of course, with all things I get obsessed with, I so clearly see myself succeeding in that very area. Knitting, cooking, music, writing, counseling, etc. I'm so much like my dad. I just get so excited about something, spend so much time and money on it and then by the time I've gotten pretty good at it, I give it up. Now, I've matured a bit, so some of these things have had a little staying power, but food blogging I refuse to try.
Okay, not true, what I refuse to do is throw myself into it willy nilly and think I can make it my life's ambition. But I will try a little.
I know I'm going in all the wrong order here with this entry. No pictures, no completed recipes. This isn't so much a food blog, but a food tease. AND, I'm doing two dishes at once. So many rules broken, but it's okay. This is why. 1) It's my blog 2) no one reads this 3) if someone stumbled on it, maybe they would feel the excitement I feel now as I sit and type this out. Oh why must I rot at work when there is delightful Asian cuisine to be made?!
So I hopped to the local Asian grocery store to pick up the goods. I almost forgot limes, but remembered in the nick of time. What I did forget, however, was mint, which is damn near essential in those spring rolls. What I'm gonna do is beg some off of the local pho restaurant by my MIL's house. Is that tacky? YES. Do I care? well, YES. But I'm desperate. OH! I can have my husband pick some up. He stinking works at a grocery store. Okay, moving on. So I found everything I need, even the tamarind paste, which ultimately lead to my downfall the last time I attempted Pad Thai. I really wasn't aware there was a variety of ways tamarind was packaged (pulp vs paste). I was following a different recipe than the one from chezpim.com, and it didn't mention a difference. Well, things when very poorly when my sauce was fishy, sour, pulpy, and grainy. This recipe also never talked about heating these ingredients up to disolve the sugar and take the nast out of the fish sauce. Wouldn't have helped the pulp situation though, so it's a good thing I bought a back up jar of sauce. Whoo, saved by the sauce. But not this time friends, no, Im prepared and stupidly confident that I will have success tonight! Why?! Because I couldn't afford a back up sauce this time and I found tamarind already in a paste! Thank you Jesus! So now I don't have to do that step either. Life is good. But I am not following Ms. Pim's advice with the wok. I know I should, but I didn't have the $20 to spring on it. I have a cleverly disguised pan at home parading as a "wok", but it really is just like every other thick bottomed pan I own, just with steep sides. None of this quick transfer of heat business... Whatever. It'll work. It HAS to.
Oh, and I bought some tongs today as well. Yup, I'm a real chef now, baby. Where's my freakin' show?!
I'll let you know how it goes. Hell, I'll even take pictures...
I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!
For dinner this evening, I will be enjoying some fresh shrimp spring rolls with peanut sauce as an appetizer. Then I will be frying myself up some chicken pad thai for dinner. Oh Lord, help me, I am so exited. Dessert might be another spring roll.
Really though, I have no good reason to be so elated, the last times I tried to make these dishes, they were utterly TERRIBLE. Just disgusting. But I'm so excited, surely they will turn out well today?!
I think I'm actually quivering with excitement over here.
I'm pretty obsessed with a few food blogs right now, and of course, with all things I get obsessed with, I so clearly see myself succeeding in that very area. Knitting, cooking, music, writing, counseling, etc. I'm so much like my dad. I just get so excited about something, spend so much time and money on it and then by the time I've gotten pretty good at it, I give it up. Now, I've matured a bit, so some of these things have had a little staying power, but food blogging I refuse to try.
Okay, not true, what I refuse to do is throw myself into it willy nilly and think I can make it my life's ambition. But I will try a little.
I know I'm going in all the wrong order here with this entry. No pictures, no completed recipes. This isn't so much a food blog, but a food tease. AND, I'm doing two dishes at once. So many rules broken, but it's okay. This is why. 1) It's my blog 2) no one reads this 3) if someone stumbled on it, maybe they would feel the excitement I feel now as I sit and type this out. Oh why must I rot at work when there is delightful Asian cuisine to be made?!
So I hopped to the local Asian grocery store to pick up the goods. I almost forgot limes, but remembered in the nick of time. What I did forget, however, was mint, which is damn near essential in those spring rolls. What I'm gonna do is beg some off of the local pho restaurant by my MIL's house. Is that tacky? YES. Do I care? well, YES. But I'm desperate. OH! I can have my husband pick some up. He stinking works at a grocery store. Okay, moving on. So I found everything I need, even the tamarind paste, which ultimately lead to my downfall the last time I attempted Pad Thai. I really wasn't aware there was a variety of ways tamarind was packaged (pulp vs paste). I was following a different recipe than the one from chezpim.com, and it didn't mention a difference. Well, things when very poorly when my sauce was fishy, sour, pulpy, and grainy. This recipe also never talked about heating these ingredients up to disolve the sugar and take the nast out of the fish sauce. Wouldn't have helped the pulp situation though, so it's a good thing I bought a back up jar of sauce. Whoo, saved by the sauce. But not this time friends, no, Im prepared and stupidly confident that I will have success tonight! Why?! Because I couldn't afford a back up sauce this time and I found tamarind already in a paste! Thank you Jesus! So now I don't have to do that step either. Life is good. But I am not following Ms. Pim's advice with the wok. I know I should, but I didn't have the $20 to spring on it. I have a cleverly disguised pan at home parading as a "wok", but it really is just like every other thick bottomed pan I own, just with steep sides. None of this quick transfer of heat business... Whatever. It'll work. It HAS to.
Oh, and I bought some tongs today as well. Yup, I'm a real chef now, baby. Where's my freakin' show?!
I'll let you know how it goes. Hell, I'll even take pictures...
Friday, June 6, 2008
Listen Up
I heard something the other day. Golly Gee Wiz, I know, but your sarcasm aside, it was a pretty good something. "You know its the enemy telling you stuff if he talks in second person. 'You are dumb' 'You deserve the way he is treating you.'" That just never occurred to me, because I talk to myself the same way, "You are never going to get this" "You look terrible". It's like I'm being mean to someone else that way. Because it is one thing to be hateful to someone else. That is no good, but to be mean to yourself, well that's just against human nature. We are generally very self loving creatures, right? But on the same token, I've been trying to use positive statement in first person. "I have everything I need" "I am fully capable" "I am strong" and it is odd. And do you know what I noticed?
I noticed that no one has ever said nice things to me. Obviously that can't possibly be true for the entirety of my life, but on a habitual basis, day to day, or even week to week, nothing nice. Please don't get me wrong, people have given me compliments, and they are wonderful. But this is an essential job of the nurturer, or parent, and I totally missed out. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but they kinda let me down in this area.
When I found out that the Lord actually liked me, 6 years into my Christian walk, I was stunned. It undid me. I just didn't get it. I didn't know I was thinking this, but I felt, "no, that can't be true, you see he is pretty bummed that he had to die on a cross and got your sorry self as a reward." But that isn't how he feels at all. I am his greatest reward. We are his greatest reward.
Think of rerouting a train. That is what my emotional life is like right now, which is certainly fine, because emotionally, it was like I was running, but off the tracks. It's quite a process to retrain (ha!) one's thinking, but we are on it, The Lord and me.
Anyway, back to this second/first person thing. I wonder how well adjusted people refer to themselves? "I can do this" "You can do this" and if it really matters?
Oh, and if it is news to you that there might be other things in your head, time to clue in my dear. You have both an amazingly clever enemy and an outstandingly glorious God, and they are both speaking to you in MANY ways. Listen Up.
I noticed that no one has ever said nice things to me. Obviously that can't possibly be true for the entirety of my life, but on a habitual basis, day to day, or even week to week, nothing nice. Please don't get me wrong, people have given me compliments, and they are wonderful. But this is an essential job of the nurturer, or parent, and I totally missed out. I love my parents, and I know they love me, but they kinda let me down in this area.
When I found out that the Lord actually liked me, 6 years into my Christian walk, I was stunned. It undid me. I just didn't get it. I didn't know I was thinking this, but I felt, "no, that can't be true, you see he is pretty bummed that he had to die on a cross and got your sorry self as a reward." But that isn't how he feels at all. I am his greatest reward. We are his greatest reward.
Think of rerouting a train. That is what my emotional life is like right now, which is certainly fine, because emotionally, it was like I was running, but off the tracks. It's quite a process to retrain (ha!) one's thinking, but we are on it, The Lord and me.
Anyway, back to this second/first person thing. I wonder how well adjusted people refer to themselves? "I can do this" "You can do this" and if it really matters?
Oh, and if it is news to you that there might be other things in your head, time to clue in my dear. You have both an amazingly clever enemy and an outstandingly glorious God, and they are both speaking to you in MANY ways. Listen Up.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Absent
So, I have this new picture for how my spiritual walk has been and where its going. Its weird. It feels weird to see how things are and were that I couldn't see before. "Hey, I've been wearing purple all day. Shouldn't I have known that before now?"
So I got hired on this this pretty amazing company. Lets think, something like Google, top company in the world to work for (not Google, my figurative one). I'm nothing special, just a receptionist. "Hi, thanks for calling The Church. How can I help you?" Take messages, make copies, ya know, do my part. Its a freakin' great company too, amazing benefits. The whole sha-bang, daycare, insurance, company cars, vacation, 401k, etc. And the CEO, Jesus, is supposed to be just a really great guy. First of all, all these benefits are his idea. He gives a ridiculous amount of money and resources to charities. He cares about the environment, implements environmentally safe practices, all that stuff. I've never met him. He works on the top floor, I work on the second floor. My job almost doesn't impact him at all. I mean, like I said, great guy, he would care how employee "D" feels about her job, but I don't feel like he knows me from Adam. I mean, he knows my name, but not me. He's busy, ya know? It's in some book somewhere, he'll check it when I retire. I do my job to help out the company, I do my thing, I'm happy to contribute. I know I'm a part of a good thing, but I'm a worker-bee. I don't care to get promoted to Billy Graham status on the second to top floor or whatever, just want to do my part.
That is how I have felt about my Christian experience. I was never displeased with that at all. I'm cool with that. Plus, have you heard about the retirement benefits? Even for receptionists? Off the chain. Fo' sho'.
So here is the hitch. I've been reading the company manual, ya know, I've been working there for something like 7 years. I figured I should get around to that. Should have done it when I got hired, blah blah blah, I know, but Im doing it now, and it wasn't a condition for employment, so whatever. Yeah. Whatever.... So, if I had read this thing, I would have known that when becoming an employee, you gain a spouse. You become the bride of the CEO. Yes, that's right. You have to marry Jesus.
*switch to the real life gear* I've known about the Bridal Paradigm for some time now, but it's been in the last couple of weeks that the implications of that statement are hitting me. For those who are unfamiliar, there are no sexual connections, so get your mind out of the gutter. But Jesus' goal is to know me and be known by me better than my husband or best friend. What does that MEAN!? *switching back to weird analogy*
So I have to marry this super corporate guy. I mean, good guy, great reputation, supposed to be a really funny, interesting, challenging person. Sweet, gentle, powerful. Who wouldn't want to marry a guy like that. But I was not wired to marry a stranger. Especially a stranger I work for. No way Jose, or Jesus, whatever. Sure enough, I bring this up to another lady I work with, who, of course, has read this stupid book (stupid because now I'm embarrassed). She says all ya gotta do is take the elevator and walk right into his office and chat with him to get to know him. Sounds simple, but AWKWARD.
And she warns me. For whatever reason, in this perfect company, on every floor there are scouts. Scouts for other companies. I've seem them and told them to get lost. They claim you don't have to work as hard for their company, but if you press them, you find out that you never get to retire. Never. Hellish, I know. I tell them to buzz off, mostly they are just trying to distract me, I know. But there has been talk. There was this guy on the 34th floor. I can't imagine the work it takes to get to the 34th floor, sacrifice! Anyway, 34th floor guy just up and walked out one day with one of these guys. I couldn't believe it! I don't know much about the 34th floor, but I know about these guys. They are tough, and persistent, but if you tell them to go away they will. Security is pretty good around this place. I run into them all the time on the elevator. They pretty much leave my floor alone, but the elevator is another story. It's odd because you dont have to fight them to get on, you can, and they usually win. I've seen people just never get to work, stay in the lobby, of course, but hello, there is a job to do! Anyway, if you just tell them you will call security they politely step aside. Well, not politely, they usually give you a handful of sass, but harmless for the most part.
Anyway, so now I know all I have to do is just take the elevator up, deal with the scout that is trying to convince me I don't deserve to go up, or he has a better offer, or just flat out lie and tell me the elevator is broken. It's amazing, bunch of liars. But I know I can, says so in the manual.
Well, I finally got the guts to try the other day. Nothing to be afraid of, I guess, but it is still scary. I hop on the elevator, tell the scout to shut his trap, I'm in really good with the guard, Dave. That does the trick. Step out onto the top floor, and there isn't even a door to the guys office. The top floor is his office. And he is just standing there like we had a meeting scheduled. I look down at my feet, check my nails, fix my glasses. This is ridiculous. He isn't saying anything, he is just looking at me. Do I have a booger?
After a minute I figure out I have to talk first, even though he seems to know what's going on, I mean, why wouldn't he? He is supposed to be pretty good at his job. "So, I know I should have read the company manual when I got hired, but I didn't until now" "I'm glad your reading it, what do you think?"
What do I think? Um, I've been an employee for 7 years dude, shouldn't you be, I dunno, pissed? Guess I get to slip this fact by him.
"I think, it's, um. Long."
"Yes. What else?"
"It's very well written" That is kind of a lie.
"Oh, thank you. What else?"
Oh please don't make me bring up the marriage thing. I just wanted to see if that lady was lying, I don't want to talk about "our nuptials". I start sweating.
He waits.
I know I could leave, but I've read most of that darn book and it really is mostly about our relationship as, um, a team. Which is so the wrong word. I could be on the same team as this guy, heck, I AM on the same team as this guy. Relationship as a, as a..... as a.. marriage. Weird.
He is still waiting, which I think on the oddness of that for a split second before blurting, "Well don't you think it is ridiculous that you have printed on damn near every page that we are getting married! I don't even know you!"
Oh shit. I've heard of what this guy does to the scouts who don't follow the rules. They pretty much blow up. And I just gave him a piece of my mind that shouldn't really be there anyway. I mean, marrying him might be weird, but I can't imagine it would be that bad. There have definitely been worse marriages arranged. What am I doing? I should just go down stairs and answer the phone. Who is covering for me anyway? I'll be lucky if he doesn't fire me. Or blow me up.
"I know it is strange. I know it is hard to really get the whole picture. You don't have to. In fact, let's not worry about that right now, the wedding isn't tomorrow. Let's just talk. How do you like your job?"
And I am so disarmed. This is odd.
"I like it.... I mean, I like working here, answering the phones isn't so hot, but.... this is such a great gig, I can do it."
"Well if answering phones isn't your idea of a grand ole' time" as he smirks knowingly "then what do you have in mind?"
And it goes on that like for some time. Just chatting. I told him I like knitting, and that the guy next to me is pretty rude. He never acknowledges me when I talk to him. I remembered that the light in my company car was out, and he said he would get that taken care of. I told him I wanted a raise, he chuckled, and said no. And just because it crosses my mind I tell him how I feel about the pollution in the air I see on my way to work.
And then, for whatever reason, I want to go back downstairs.
"I'm glad you came up"
"Me too. See you later?"
"For sure."
The scout doesn't have much to say to me on the way down. Occasionally he sticks his tongue out at me, which isn't very professional I think. Sometimes I don't get back up there as much as I want to. One time a scout came out of the elevator screaming, "There's a fire!" so I went back to my desk later realizing that of course there was no fire. Liars. And what stupid lies, but it worked I guess. But I've been up a little bit more, and I bring the manual because most of the time that is our common ground and it is pretty confusing.
I'm still weirded out by the whole marriage thing, but I can deal with getting to know him. He is a pretty cool guy after all.
So I got hired on this this pretty amazing company. Lets think, something like Google, top company in the world to work for (not Google, my figurative one). I'm nothing special, just a receptionist. "Hi, thanks for calling The Church. How can I help you?" Take messages, make copies, ya know, do my part. Its a freakin' great company too, amazing benefits. The whole sha-bang, daycare, insurance, company cars, vacation, 401k, etc. And the CEO, Jesus, is supposed to be just a really great guy. First of all, all these benefits are his idea. He gives a ridiculous amount of money and resources to charities. He cares about the environment, implements environmentally safe practices, all that stuff. I've never met him. He works on the top floor, I work on the second floor. My job almost doesn't impact him at all. I mean, like I said, great guy, he would care how employee "D" feels about her job, but I don't feel like he knows me from Adam. I mean, he knows my name, but not me. He's busy, ya know? It's in some book somewhere, he'll check it when I retire. I do my job to help out the company, I do my thing, I'm happy to contribute. I know I'm a part of a good thing, but I'm a worker-bee. I don't care to get promoted to Billy Graham status on the second to top floor or whatever, just want to do my part.
That is how I have felt about my Christian experience. I was never displeased with that at all. I'm cool with that. Plus, have you heard about the retirement benefits? Even for receptionists? Off the chain. Fo' sho'.
So here is the hitch. I've been reading the company manual, ya know, I've been working there for something like 7 years. I figured I should get around to that. Should have done it when I got hired, blah blah blah, I know, but Im doing it now, and it wasn't a condition for employment, so whatever. Yeah. Whatever.... So, if I had read this thing, I would have known that when becoming an employee, you gain a spouse. You become the bride of the CEO. Yes, that's right. You have to marry Jesus.
*switch to the real life gear* I've known about the Bridal Paradigm for some time now, but it's been in the last couple of weeks that the implications of that statement are hitting me. For those who are unfamiliar, there are no sexual connections, so get your mind out of the gutter. But Jesus' goal is to know me and be known by me better than my husband or best friend. What does that MEAN!? *switching back to weird analogy*
So I have to marry this super corporate guy. I mean, good guy, great reputation, supposed to be a really funny, interesting, challenging person. Sweet, gentle, powerful. Who wouldn't want to marry a guy like that. But I was not wired to marry a stranger. Especially a stranger I work for. No way Jose, or Jesus, whatever. Sure enough, I bring this up to another lady I work with, who, of course, has read this stupid book (stupid because now I'm embarrassed). She says all ya gotta do is take the elevator and walk right into his office and chat with him to get to know him. Sounds simple, but AWKWARD.
And she warns me. For whatever reason, in this perfect company, on every floor there are scouts. Scouts for other companies. I've seem them and told them to get lost. They claim you don't have to work as hard for their company, but if you press them, you find out that you never get to retire. Never. Hellish, I know. I tell them to buzz off, mostly they are just trying to distract me, I know. But there has been talk. There was this guy on the 34th floor. I can't imagine the work it takes to get to the 34th floor, sacrifice! Anyway, 34th floor guy just up and walked out one day with one of these guys. I couldn't believe it! I don't know much about the 34th floor, but I know about these guys. They are tough, and persistent, but if you tell them to go away they will. Security is pretty good around this place. I run into them all the time on the elevator. They pretty much leave my floor alone, but the elevator is another story. It's odd because you dont have to fight them to get on, you can, and they usually win. I've seen people just never get to work, stay in the lobby, of course, but hello, there is a job to do! Anyway, if you just tell them you will call security they politely step aside. Well, not politely, they usually give you a handful of sass, but harmless for the most part.
Anyway, so now I know all I have to do is just take the elevator up, deal with the scout that is trying to convince me I don't deserve to go up, or he has a better offer, or just flat out lie and tell me the elevator is broken. It's amazing, bunch of liars. But I know I can, says so in the manual.
Well, I finally got the guts to try the other day. Nothing to be afraid of, I guess, but it is still scary. I hop on the elevator, tell the scout to shut his trap, I'm in really good with the guard, Dave. That does the trick. Step out onto the top floor, and there isn't even a door to the guys office. The top floor is his office. And he is just standing there like we had a meeting scheduled. I look down at my feet, check my nails, fix my glasses. This is ridiculous. He isn't saying anything, he is just looking at me. Do I have a booger?
After a minute I figure out I have to talk first, even though he seems to know what's going on, I mean, why wouldn't he? He is supposed to be pretty good at his job. "So, I know I should have read the company manual when I got hired, but I didn't until now" "I'm glad your reading it, what do you think?"
What do I think? Um, I've been an employee for 7 years dude, shouldn't you be, I dunno, pissed? Guess I get to slip this fact by him.
"I think, it's, um. Long."
"Yes. What else?"
"It's very well written" That is kind of a lie.
"Oh, thank you. What else?"
Oh please don't make me bring up the marriage thing. I just wanted to see if that lady was lying, I don't want to talk about "our nuptials". I start sweating.
He waits.
I know I could leave, but I've read most of that darn book and it really is mostly about our relationship as, um, a team. Which is so the wrong word. I could be on the same team as this guy, heck, I AM on the same team as this guy. Relationship as a, as a..... as a.. marriage. Weird.
He is still waiting, which I think on the oddness of that for a split second before blurting, "Well don't you think it is ridiculous that you have printed on damn near every page that we are getting married! I don't even know you!"
Oh shit. I've heard of what this guy does to the scouts who don't follow the rules. They pretty much blow up. And I just gave him a piece of my mind that shouldn't really be there anyway. I mean, marrying him might be weird, but I can't imagine it would be that bad. There have definitely been worse marriages arranged. What am I doing? I should just go down stairs and answer the phone. Who is covering for me anyway? I'll be lucky if he doesn't fire me. Or blow me up.
"I know it is strange. I know it is hard to really get the whole picture. You don't have to. In fact, let's not worry about that right now, the wedding isn't tomorrow. Let's just talk. How do you like your job?"
And I am so disarmed. This is odd.
"I like it.... I mean, I like working here, answering the phones isn't so hot, but.... this is such a great gig, I can do it."
"Well if answering phones isn't your idea of a grand ole' time" as he smirks knowingly "then what do you have in mind?"
And it goes on that like for some time. Just chatting. I told him I like knitting, and that the guy next to me is pretty rude. He never acknowledges me when I talk to him. I remembered that the light in my company car was out, and he said he would get that taken care of. I told him I wanted a raise, he chuckled, and said no. And just because it crosses my mind I tell him how I feel about the pollution in the air I see on my way to work.
And then, for whatever reason, I want to go back downstairs.
"I'm glad you came up"
"Me too. See you later?"
"For sure."
The scout doesn't have much to say to me on the way down. Occasionally he sticks his tongue out at me, which isn't very professional I think. Sometimes I don't get back up there as much as I want to. One time a scout came out of the elevator screaming, "There's a fire!" so I went back to my desk later realizing that of course there was no fire. Liars. And what stupid lies, but it worked I guess. But I've been up a little bit more, and I bring the manual because most of the time that is our common ground and it is pretty confusing.
I'm still weirded out by the whole marriage thing, but I can deal with getting to know him. He is a pretty cool guy after all.
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