Perspective

"...Off I go to prophetic evangelism. So excited...God showed out last week. Lord, grant us souls!!! Lord, grant us disciples!!!"

This is a status update from one of my friends on facebook. Well, she isn't a friend. I don't know her even a little bit. I've met her once and seen her face all of two times. Maybe that is what allows me to be so critical, but who am I kidding? I'm always critical. Anyway, I have an opinion on her status update.

"Lord, grant us souls!" Is he keeping them from you? Does he have a locker of souls, from which he can pluck a few out when you are feeling brave and bolstered and like a good christian? Is he the one that that is doing you the favor by letting you lead someone to Christ? Maybe what you are trying to say is, "Lord, lead us to souls that are ripe for harvesting! I want to speak about you and I want the people I speak to, to be impacted by your truth!" "Show me who you have already been working on and please let me help in your work to pluck these people out of hell!"

I dont know. Maybe I think too much like a lost person and it is what keeps me from telling people the truth of Jesus. "Lord, grant us disciples"? sounds like a cult to me. Almighty power of the universe, wont you give us more people for our cause, I mean YOUR cause, so that we can look legitamate and like we really have the answer! Because we do! All your answers to life's problems right here. Just sign right here, sacrifice 8 hours of your life per week, and you are on your way to eternal GLORY! You have a job? Kids? A HOBBY! Jesus isn't your hobby? Don't you know this is more important than your job?! This is your eternity we are talking about here!!

If I read this entry and felt the need to comment, I would say, "Bitter much?"

Anyway, Im pissed about a great many other things. Pissed, and down, and sad, and totally missing all that makes my life so wonderful, and am therefore mad some more. :-) Have a great day, okay? For me?

My Heart Today

I am unsatisfied with the condition of my marriage. I want out, but in this area I am fighting with everything I have NOT to do what I want. I am nervous about kid no. 2. Im a little frustrated with my hair. Im a little more frustrated with my father and his inability to stay close to me. I feel almost totally alone right now. I have no access to almost every single one of my friends. I am actually afraid, yes scared, to start potty training. It is the last piece of my baby I just do not want to let go. I am shocked that I feel this way. Because Im pregnant, I don't ever trust how I really feel about anything. I am so far from the Lord. Every other thought I have is adulterous. And I want to think those thoughts even though I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. This makes it hard to have a sincere conversation with Jesus.

Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.

I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.

I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.

I can't get no.. satisfaction

I AM going to learn how to be satisfied DAMMIT!

Does that mean I have to start off by being satisfied with with my dissatisfaction?

It's shit like that takes up all the room in my head and kicks out birthdays, plans, dinners, and whatever it is you told me yesterday that was really important that I not forget.

Inheritance

I think I have inherited self pity. I think I am racked by self pity. I am so in love with myself that when anything is below my very high expectations of how I think life should go, I am just so sad. Or mad.

Anyway, I really don't want to be writing, I want to be in the blue chair spending time with Jesus. However, I just hate sitting there feeling like this is one big cosmic joke that I am the butt of. "Hey, look at Beth try and "commune" with Jesus. Doesn't she know that all she will ever get is silence?" They say you can't really do it wrong, but if I'm not doing something wrong, then I guess Jesus doesn't want to meet with me? I don't know. Self pity. This whole time with Jesus thing doesn't look like I want it to so I am confused and angry and depressed and letting myself believe that God doesn't love me and doesn't want to spend time with me. I would really like my head not to be clouded for at least 15 min so I could figure out where it is I am supposed to be going. *sigh* self pity.