My Heart Today

I am unsatisfied with the condition of my marriage. I want out, but in this area I am fighting with everything I have NOT to do what I want. I am nervous about kid no. 2. Im a little frustrated with my hair. Im a little more frustrated with my father and his inability to stay close to me. I feel almost totally alone right now. I have no access to almost every single one of my friends. I am actually afraid, yes scared, to start potty training. It is the last piece of my baby I just do not want to let go. I am shocked that I feel this way. Because Im pregnant, I don't ever trust how I really feel about anything. I am so far from the Lord. Every other thought I have is adulterous. And I want to think those thoughts even though I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. This makes it hard to have a sincere conversation with Jesus.

Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.

I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.

I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.