So I knew as soon as I posted something about how I felt and made it a semi permanent part of this blog, I would be reassured, humbled, or something. Well, sho nuff, sho nuff batman, I was a little of both.
I was airing out my frustrations to my mother, which I always have to do carefully. She can pick up on a bad mood quickly and make it worse even quicker. It's the sad truth. Thanks for caring mom, but talking to you about it does not help. I dont know if it is because she is mostly right and it just hurts to hear the truth in a bad mood or if it is because she tries to explain why you shouldn't be upset in the first place, which is just about the worst thing I can think of to help someone. I think she does both. I know she means well. I do.
Well, I realized right after I got off the phone that I did the same thing to her that I think Caroline is doing to me; pushed her away. Mom was just doing her best to help me feel better, but it wasn't working and I didn't know how to be nice about it because she was actually making things worse. I'ld bet a million bucks that is what I was putting Caroline through. I was trying to make things better, but I wasn't hitting her target and I was just making it worse and worse. Unlike me though, she probably didn't know how to tell me to just shut the hell up. Not that I know how, but that I'll say it anyway.
Anyway, it makes me feel a little better, like she isn't trying to dump me as a friend. I don't think anyway. :-) And Warren helped me realize last night that if Caroline doesn't want to fight the breastfeeding battle, then she just doesn't have to. She knows she can ask me anything and she knows she has a whole host of support, so she can draw on it if she wants to. So I don't really have to worry about it. Just because I love breastfeeding doesn't mean I can make her love it. And that is okay.
But I didn't even write about that yesterday, did I? Nope, I totally left out how afraid I was that she was rejecting me as a friend, and that whole post really did not have a lot to do with how I felt (although, I still think she would have benefited from my opinion, but I guess that is part of the human plight, pride).
Anyway, they are home, and he is doing well, and if Matthew doesn't sleep the whole evening away, I might get to go visit them! Maybe I'll get to hug him this time.
About Me
- Beth
- I am honest, can say practically anything because I have good delivery (but often am missing the wit to create things on the fly), I mess up euphemisms and still try to use them, I tend to mother people. I am, to my shame, very selfish, but working harder on changing that than I have ever worked on anything in my life. My #1 goal in life is to be friends with Jesus. My #2 goal is to be a good wife and mother. My #3 goal is to be joyful. I cherish my friends, and I have a really hard time with strangers, but can put on a good face when I try. I am warm, self deprecating, large, supportive, and it takes me a very long time to make a decision.
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