Midwifery?

I've been all in my head about my purpose (who is thinking of Steve Martin yelling, "Hey Mah! I've found my PURPOSE!!"). My husband's purpose seems to be not to worry about a purpose and accept each day as a challenge and joy. I think that is admirable, but I want a calling, something to devote many of my efforts to.

Currently, I wake up around 7am, get ready for work without doing my hair or make-up, drop the kiddo off at Grannie's, work on this computer all day, usually drawing up construction drawing, but on the slow times like now, blog, read other blogs, whatever, get off work, pick up the kiddo, fill my evening with friends, fun, at home movies, chores, and playing with the kiddo, then go to bed. Every day it is just the same. Sameness can be hard for me, I thrive on change, but I think sameness with a purpose would be slightly more fulfilling.

A little disclaimer - I know a job doesn't necessarily equal a purpose or calling. I know even fulfilling my calling life can be hard and boring. I know I can't wait to be happy until my calling has been given to me, but that I need to find joy now, in this moment.

But I still want a calling.

This all started when I finally started coming to the grips that I might not get to stay at home with my kiddos. I desperately want to, but it just looks like that isn't an option. Rather, I should stop waiting for it to be an option. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. However, drafting was never on my great big list of things I'd like to be when I grew up. In fact, that list consisted of nothing involving sitting behind a desk all day. I'm bored. and I feel like I'm not contributing to society in a way that would be truly useful. So the cogs started turning...

I came to two conclusions as a career path to follow; midwifery and teaching math to JH students. Yup...

Upon further consideration I've decided that while I could tolerate teaching, it wasn't my bag of marbles. Ultimately I think I would feel the same way I do now. Stuck. Birth, however, feels right. I LOVE birth. I can't wait to do it again. I want other people to love birth, to feel victorious, to feel strong! I want other people to show themselves how powerful and loving they are. I want to see babies meet their moms and dads for the first time. I want to counsel people through their fears and doubts to see them conquer those feelings! Unfortunately there are two "complications" (read: two things that scare me). 1) Education. To become a Certified Nurse Midwife I would have to go to school for about 8 years part time (remember, I have to work). It would take a year or two to become a Certified Professional Midwife. One is a master's degree and the other is a certification. One is official schooling and one is an apprenticeship. They do the same thing (mostly) and make the same money with where I would want to take things, so it makes sense to take less time to get doing what it is I really want to do. But I don't want to be less qualified doing it. Such is the dilemma. So that is the first fear. Minor in comparison to the second.

I would be so very responsible. These are people's lives. These are souls straight from heaven. What if I mess up (and I will. I'm not perfect, remember?). What if when I mess up someone gets hurt or dies? Does that mean I am a bad midwife and need to stop practicing, or does that mean I grieve, LEARN, forgive myself, and keep going? I know I would have to keep going. But oh, to be the one around and "in charge" when the One really in charge decides this person needs to go back to him after so short a time? What would I do with the parents pain? How could I possibly have a procedure for that? How do you explain? What if it happened twice? Could I say, like an OB, that these things just happen and we just don't know why? Or would we have the extra weight of being "irresponsible" trying to give birth outside of a hospital. Well, we would have that weight, but what do you do with such a lie? Goodness knows if I get in this and find out I'm not very good at it, I will stop immediately and go back to my safe drafting. And that is the difference isn't it?

Birthing can be very unsafe. How do you educate a parent of the risks without scaring their cervix shut? For those unaware, fear is the number one reason women don't progress in labor. Animals and humans alike have the ability to close back up when they feel like they are in danger (ie when they are suddenly being hunted). It is fortuante that most women choosing midwives are doing so with a lot of education. They understand many of the risks, but they are still putting much of their trust in me. And I a terrified that instead of that increasing the safety of their birth, that it might increase the danger.

Maybe this is a healthy fear that will propel me into being the best I can be. I hope this isn't a fear that locks me down and stops me, if this is truly what I am called to do.

Still, the decision is all but made. Anything can get in the way, and if this isn't the Lord's will, I pray that something would. But for now it seems I am getting ready to leave the grass plains of predictability and about the enter an unknown forest of danger and mystery.

Either way, husband has made a very valid point. No career shifts until I have finished my Associates Degree. I have 3-4 classes left, so it is just a matter of doing it. I totally agree with him. *sigh* At least there is a bit of transition (pun intended!) between all of this.

Not so Hard Things

I just wanted to do a life update real quick as well, because many many things are going very well right now. I'm really very excited about the path I've been lead to.

Right now I am eating half a potato with queso on it, and I fully expect to be full when I finish. If it doesnt do the trick, I know the peach will contribute. I am actually feeling full these days!! It is WONDERFUL! Even more wonderful than that is I am losing weight! I started at 267, and 4 weeks later am 254. I'm actually losing weight. I have been working so hard since Matt was born and have gained and gained and gained. I've never put such a concentrated effort on weight loss before only to gain 15 lbs over the course of a year (after I lost all my baby weight naturally, it just fell off! Weird, no?). So to have lost that in almost a month, well, you know the Lord is good. Because I have made it more than obvious I can't do this on my own. I'm using the Weigh Down program, and while I know that there is some contreversy surrounding The Remnant Church, that doesn't mean this is a ridiculously effective way to lose weight. I eat whatever I want, whenever I'm truly hungry, instead of when I have the urge (or head hunger, they call it). I eat really really slowly (especailly compared with how I used to eat) so I don't just run over my fullness cue. Now smaller than normal portion sized FILL ME UP! I eat about two meals a day because that is when I get hungry. Sometimes I'm hungry for breakfast, but usually not. Sometimes I'm hungry at 10pm, so I eat (because it is just as sinful to ignore a hunger cue as it is to eat before you get it). It is AMAZIZING. I know I sound like an infomercial, but you can know I'm not being paid because 1) Im still 254 lbs. That isnt really a marketable testimony :-) 2) I don't fully agree with the whole message. I agree with most of it wholeheartedly, but not all.

Moving on, Warren is getting a wee little promotion. Not enough so that I can stay home, but enough that we aren't living paycheck to paycheck. That will be so so nice. We are considering a vacation to San Antonio next summer when the kiddo is a little older. That will be so exciting! I think he will love Shamu. At least, I will! ;-)

Work is gong a little too well, I'm about out of projects to draw! Uh-Oh!

And, our good friends, Stacy and Tommy are getting married tomorrow. Mostly I'm just excited for them, a little worried, but a good mother type should be, I think. ;-) I hope I look fabulous. I know everyone else will, and I want to keep up!

Hard things

I had to tell a friend a really hard thing yesterday. It did not go well. I'm praying so hard for soft hearts and wisdom (for both of us!). It was just not a pretty thing with me being pretty bad at this kind of thing and him not fully understanding what I was trying to say or not fully accepting what I was trying to say.

I did learn a lot of things yesterday, however. I wished I had expressed more of my concern for him instead of the ministry, so that he didn't feel like I was concerned for me. Because my feelings aren't hurt at all. In fact, we worked really hard on that front weeks ago, and I thought we made a lot of process. I didn't realize that his feelings may have been hurt in the process. I learned that even if they think they can, people don't want to be confronted and it really hurts, no matter what they say, and it must always be done in person so as to fully communicate with words and body language. Because I know my words were hard, but he couldn't see the love or concern in my eyes. I was trying to warn him and he felt like I was trying to pick him apart.

I know I didn't present this perfectly (or even close), but that doesn't mean that there wasn't a really scary issue. There is. However imperfect I am in delivery doesn't mean that he isn't still about to walk into a pit. I'm scared for my friend. I'm scared I might have made it worse.

It is my sincerest hope that I am not being overly critical of him, and it is my sincerest hope that I am not being divisive. I know that even though one desires not to be something doesn't mean they are not that very something. Even still, I truly am worried for my friend. He has such a massive, beautiful calling. How couldn't he be the object of attack? I just hope I didn't facilitate that attack in my "warning". But again, I don't believe that means he shouldn't have been warned.

Lord, I love you. LORD. I want your first. Fill me with fear as to not move out of your boundaries.

I just might do it!

I just might cook the book! I certainly wont blog about it... much... Well, i really probably wont. It will be hard enough to keep the commitment to cook the book, let alone document it for someone else's enjoyment. And here is the second disappointment. I'm not doing one of those specialty, highend, wonderful, and challenging cookbooks, like The French Laundry, or Nose to Tail. No Sir. A) I can't even dream of affording some of the equipment and ingredients necessary.
B) I don't think I have the basic skill set necessary to pull off even the simplest of the recipes. Which is know is an excuse, but its mostly the reason I'm starting out with an easy one, so I can....

Learn how to COOK! My mom is a FANTASTIC cook. I mean, darn near gourmet. She would laugh at The French Laundry. Okay, maybe not laugh, but she certainly wouldn't be intimidated. Also, I have this particular ability to get pretty good at most things with a fair amount of speed. It is nice in that it sends waves of jealousy through my friends when my "beginners luck" shows them up the first three or four attempts at "whatever", but then I cannot advance. I am a jack of all trades doomed to be great at nothing, just fair a many things. Such is my curse. But not with cooking! I am a black sheep! My husband can really hold his own in the kitchen, especially when it comes to baking. My mom's abilities have been enumerated and my dad worked as a restaurant manager, so while he can only make that mac and cheese for 20, it's freaking amazing. Even my brother has considered culinary school because he too has found a knack in cooking. The only knack I have found in this area is EATING all the dishes prepared. I can eat with the best of them, but that is a curse as well because I am grossly obese. *sigh*

So you see, I MUST learn how to cook. I love eating and I'm not very good at cooking and ladies and gents, that is a TERRIBLE combination. I'm thinking of using the first cookbook I ever got. My grandmother (who was also not a very good cook, but introduced me to the joy of eggo waffles) gave it to me when I was pretty young and I just hung on to it for years. Now I consult it daily. How much water does Jasmine Rice need (because my Asian cloth bag does not offer instructions to the mentally challenged that have not had it memorized since they were three)? How can you spice a pot roast? How long do you bake a sweet potato? Can you microwave green beans? Etc. So, you see, I would like to beef up my cooking repertoire, get a little experience under my belt. Which leads me to the fact that....

I still haven't gone through the first attempt on many of these dishes you veterans take for granted! You guys are on Lobster Consumee, which is just a variation of the other consumees you've done, but I've never cooked lobster! Lamb Brains? Hm, sounds fun, but where is the lamb chop located? While I think it would be fantastic to try these things, some day. I also think it would be much more useful to learn how to correctly roast a chicken. Plus, I'm 20-something. That means plenty of time to get to brain. Seriously, how cool would I really be if I could make Roasted Guinea Fowl en Crepinette de Byaldi with Pan Jus, but my chicken was consistently dry? Catch my drift?

The only catch is that this cook book has THOUSANDS of recipes. It's so huge. So I might find a smaller book. I do get bored rather easily...

Stay At Home Mom

I just want to be at home with my child. I wasn't made for this, for spending so much time away from him, to not be the one raising him and making the daily decisions for him. I wasn't made to sit all day behind someone else's computer, doing someone else's job, thinking about other people's banks, while someone else takes care of my child. This is so hard. I don't think I've gone through anything this difficult, this painful.

Will I always be that woman who couldn't let it go? Who always mourned about it? Will I always be that mom who's day is haunted by this greater desire? Who drags everyone else down because she can't have what she wants?

Asian So So

So my Asian Extravaganza went okay. I'll chock it up to WAY to many dishes. Spring rolls, peanut sauce, Pad Thai, cole slaw, and cold peanut noodles. And I was trying to have a pretty deep conversation with a friend. AND I was trying to to ignore my son too much. It was a crazy night. I hit the ground running at 4:45, stopped to eat and chat without cooking at some point and got all the dishes done by 10:45. And I hardly left the kitchen (we didn't have anything to make a pallette for my son in the kitchen, so I had to put him down in his own room). Crazy! Here is how it went.

Peanut sauce: So, um, not what I was hankering for, but not so bad. Its hard for anything to measure up when I have a hankering for it. Nothing else will do.... so actually, on its own, not compared to my fav sauce at my fav pho place, pretty good.

Spring rolls: one of them was so flimsy and torn that i just demolished it and at the innards. Can't really mess up the taste of these guys, but it just never came together.... HOW do they roll them so tight without busting the wrapper?! I'll check it out on YouTube...

Pad Thai: Now this... This turned out very well. I roasted some chicken legs separately and added the picked off meat when all was cooked because I am just terrible at cooking meat in a pan like that. My fat fake wok performed very nicely. It might not be up to a professional's standards, but to this novice, everything was sizzlin just the way I needed, so it meets my standards! the noodles weren't overcooked, the sauce tasted like actual Pad Thai, veggie's were yum, egg was yum, it was yum. It was a little too sticky, so next time I'll remember to have some water at the ready to keep the sauce wet. Also, I didn't make sure I had equal portions of the ingredients for the sauce and I think it came out a little less sweet than I remembered. This was a little too tart for me, but I'll know next time when I measure them by weight. For a learning experience, I'd say this turned out VERY well. But that was my first sentence, sooooo...

Cole Slaw: shredded cabbage (1/2 a head) 2 parts apple cider vinegar, 5 parts olive oil to make about (1 & 1/2 cups of dressing or less) and then honey to taste. I used about 2-3 Tbs. Also, salt and pepper to taste. Let it wilt in the fridge overnight, YUM. Stupid Easy. Thanks Dad for this one! Oh, next time I'll add the black sesame seeds I picked up for our next dish....

Cold Peanut Noodles: I can't even remember where I picked up this recipe, but it flopped. Well, I flopped. I totally didn't follow the recipe, and I might try again and actually do that. I gave it to the husband for lunch and he threw it out... oops.. Something was just... wrong.. eh.

So, one huge night of experiments and MAN did I learn a lot. I mean a lot. Except I still don't know how to roll those stupid spring rolls... oh yeah, YouTube. Peace!

Asian Extravagaza

I am going to have a WILD night!

I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!

For dinner this evening, I will be enjoying some fresh shrimp spring rolls with peanut sauce as an appetizer. Then I will be frying myself up some chicken pad thai for dinner. Oh Lord, help me, I am so exited. Dessert might be another spring roll.

Really though, I have no good reason to be so elated, the last times I tried to make these dishes, they were utterly TERRIBLE. Just disgusting. But I'm so excited, surely they will turn out well today?!

I think I'm actually quivering with excitement over here.

I'm pretty obsessed with a few food blogs right now, and of course, with all things I get obsessed with, I so clearly see myself succeeding in that very area. Knitting, cooking, music, writing, counseling, etc. I'm so much like my dad. I just get so excited about something, spend so much time and money on it and then by the time I've gotten pretty good at it, I give it up. Now, I've matured a bit, so some of these things have had a little staying power, but food blogging I refuse to try.

Okay, not true, what I refuse to do is throw myself into it willy nilly and think I can make it my life's ambition. But I will try a little.

I know I'm going in all the wrong order here with this entry. No pictures, no completed recipes. This isn't so much a food blog, but a food tease. AND, I'm doing two dishes at once. So many rules broken, but it's okay. This is why. 1) It's my blog 2) no one reads this 3) if someone stumbled on it, maybe they would feel the excitement I feel now as I sit and type this out. Oh why must I rot at work when there is delightful Asian cuisine to be made?!

So I hopped to the local Asian grocery store to pick up the goods. I almost forgot limes, but remembered in the nick of time. What I did forget, however, was mint, which is damn near essential in those spring rolls. What I'm gonna do is beg some off of the local pho restaurant by my MIL's house. Is that tacky? YES. Do I care? well, YES. But I'm desperate. OH! I can have my husband pick some up. He stinking works at a grocery store. Okay, moving on. So I found everything I need, even the tamarind paste, which ultimately lead to my downfall the last time I attempted Pad Thai. I really wasn't aware there was a variety of ways tamarind was packaged (pulp vs paste). I was following a different recipe than the one from chezpim.com, and it didn't mention a difference. Well, things when very poorly when my sauce was fishy, sour, pulpy, and grainy. This recipe also never talked about heating these ingredients up to disolve the sugar and take the nast out of the fish sauce. Wouldn't have helped the pulp situation though, so it's a good thing I bought a back up jar of sauce. Whoo, saved by the sauce. But not this time friends, no, Im prepared and stupidly confident that I will have success tonight! Why?! Because I couldn't afford a back up sauce this time and I found tamarind already in a paste! Thank you Jesus! So now I don't have to do that step either. Life is good. But I am not following Ms. Pim's advice with the wok. I know I should, but I didn't have the $20 to spring on it. I have a cleverly disguised pan at home parading as a "wok", but it really is just like every other thick bottomed pan I own, just with steep sides. None of this quick transfer of heat business... Whatever. It'll work. It HAS to.

Oh, and I bought some tongs today as well. Yup, I'm a real chef now, baby. Where's my freakin' show?!

I'll let you know how it goes. Hell, I'll even take pictures...