Okay, so the dissatisfaction I keep bringing up (Im sure it has been a JOY to read about), that is just seeping into every area of my life, seemingly, is even getting into my marriage (big surprise).
I really really am a lucky gal when it comes to the whole marriage thing. Except in one rather vital area. I totally enjoy my husband's company. We are good friends. I appreciate all the hard work he does to keep a roof over our head, to raise our boy, to even keep the house clean. We make decisions together very seamlessly and without much disagreement. Even when we do disagree, things usually go pretty well. What it kind of boils down to is that we are terrific roommates, or partners. Our lives are so much better because of the other person. I know it. Because of me, he has a better life, and because of him, I have a better life. We just work so well together. We have this routine of life down pat.
I think you picked up on what is left out. There is almost no chemistry. It just feels like a really awesome business deal that also bleeds into personal life. It is so strange to me. If we had money problems, I know we would be like every other couple out there, fighting like pit bulls and divorced in a year. But I am really good with our money, and because of the way I handle it, we do surprisingly well for lower middle class folk. We both just love love love our son. He is so freaking fantastic. Nothing brings smiles to our faces like this kid. We just laugh and laugh, and he brings this tremendous tenderness out of both of us, for him. And we are sensitive to one another's needs. He knows I need hugs and touches, and obliges. I know he needs "things", and I oblige. But it really really is just fulfilling obligations (is that as painful for you as it is for me?). Neither of us are bitter about it. I'm happy to make him happy, I just am not overwhelmed by this need to be in bed with him. I know he is happy to make me happy, but much the same as me, is not overwhelmed by the need to be near me, touching or caressing. Before marriage, we were totally all over it. I wanted in his pants in a fierce way. He couldn't keep his hands of me (both in sexual and not sexual ways), and was often telling how much he loved me. Then we got married. Ouch. Why is life long commitment so bad for intimacy?
I read and hear everywhere that is the woman's responsibility to make a relationship work. I just don't know what to do. I tried the whole appreciation thing. Like, I do appreciate him very much and communicate it, but I guess the idea is that you smother a guy with it and he responds by turning into the man of your dreams? It didn't work. He got all bashful and told me to stop after a week because he said it felt cheap. I'm sure it did. And I was being very sincere because I honestly do appreciate him for everything he does and does not do (ya know, like the bad stuff some husbands do). I tried the whole vixen in the bedroom thing. Nope, he just got laid a lot, but I didn't get that sensitive, touching caring guy I wanted. I got more of the same. Get laid, go to bed. Before trying all this trickery, I tried to just tell him out right, but that backfired on me so severely. "I want you to want me!" "I DO want you." "Then why doesn't it seem like you want me" "I don't know. Maybe it is because you are too needy." And then of course, I'm now offended and we are fighting.
And don't think I haven't thought of that; being too needy. I really have. It is why I've given up talking about it straight up. Why bother? If I really am being too needy, then the fault is mine for being unsatisfied. If I'm not being too needy, husband just really doesn't want me, well that is an answer I don't want to deal with.
That is pretty bad, that last thought, but I think the worst part about all of it is he thinks everything is fine. He is 100% happy with our marriage.
So either I figure out a way to become satisfied or wait for my husband to get a clue. I really don't know how to make either happen, and I really wish I did.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Annoying Husband Thing
Why, oh why, do you, dear husband, try and wake my up to spend time together? I was with you just moments ago, practically begging to do something with you. You picked a stupid anime movie, that you know I hate, so I left to go to sleep after 30 min of badly edited cartoons. You waited until I had fallen asleep to actually spend time with me, and then you got your feelings hurt when I turned reading to you down. Seriously, if you want to spend time with me, you have a 30 min to get me engaged. If you ignore that window, I'm going to get sleepy, and I'm going to go to bed, and I'm not even going to feel a little bit bad about ignoring you. ESPECIALLY when you slept for three hours in the middle of the day and its no damn wonder why you aren't tired and you are bored.
Skip the nap, take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself to you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and don't think for a second that if I am already sleeping you have a shot in hell of getting me to wake back up to spend time with you when we could have done that 30 minutes prior, but instead you chose anime over me. YEAH.
DAMMIT.
The worst, dear husband. I mean the WORST is to ignore me over anime and then try and get some. I don't think so. When the kid goes down, come get yours. Trust me, I am ALL for it. If you don't, and I fall asleep, too damn bad for you. Do not wake me up at 11. Do not try and neck on me. I'm pissed and feeling rejected, just let me sleep and dream of someone who will take me out dancing.
Skip the nap, take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself to you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and don't think for a second that if I am already sleeping you have a shot in hell of getting me to wake back up to spend time with you when we could have done that 30 minutes prior, but instead you chose anime over me. YEAH.
DAMMIT.
The worst, dear husband. I mean the WORST is to ignore me over anime and then try and get some. I don't think so. When the kid goes down, come get yours. Trust me, I am ALL for it. If you don't, and I fall asleep, too damn bad for you. Do not wake me up at 11. Do not try and neck on me. I'm pissed and feeling rejected, just let me sleep and dream of someone who will take me out dancing.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Amelie
Can I say how much I love this movie?! Really, I just love it. A lot. The ending is something which just has me totally blown over. Maybe every woman thinks she is the only woman that just thinks up these totally ridiculous fantasies. I don't know, but I know I do, and I know I feel like the only one. And they aren't about sex. I don't really fantasize about sex. Now that I am stopping to think about it, they almost all have to do with being wanted. They go along the lines of being that one girl to the guy who can get any one he wanted.
Sometimes this didn't go so well for me. When I was younger I had pictures on one wall of my room of Teenie Bopper Andrew Keegan. They were only on one side because I just knew that he could see me through these photos. I would undress with my back to that wall. Obviously this isn't so much a cute fantasy, as much as a totally bizarre one. My point, however, is that I have an active imagination.
In Amelie, however, she finds herself day dreaming her life away. Prompted by the folk around her, especially her frail shut in neighbor, she acts on this crush she has in just the most creative and insane ways. Well, many ridiculously cute scenes later, after this girl and boy have just missed one another (purposely) you find Amelie in her kitchen preparing a meal. She is thinking of how this fellow orchestrates this rather elaborate ruse and ends up in her apt. In her day dream he fiddles with her beaded curtain, but in real life, it was the cat. Very disappointing. You are lead to think for half a second that in fact, he will have wanted her enough to go to all of this trouble to present himself to her, but it is just the cat. Well, the movie ends about 2 seconds after that when while she was day dreaming, he really was trying to get to her. *swoon*
I spend a lot of time day dreaming, especially with this cursed Twilight mania going on. I'm old enough to know better, and even to be bitter about it. "Yes, just keep hoping he will do such and such, you idiot!" Especially since I am married. What I am gonna do? Wait for some version of Edward to come around, and when he does, tell him, "Uh, I'm married, but thanks for the undying love sentiment". Apparently I'm young enough to keep doing it anyway. I used to be hopeful, and now I just want to stab myself in the foot. I am convinced it would hurt less.
Poor Warren gets the brunt of this (although he has no idea why I've turned into a lunatic, and I cant tell him it is because he doesn't treat me as if I am the reason for his existence, because I'm not, which is fine, really). What the hell is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me, though, of that I am convinced. I'm 24, I'm bored out of my mind, I am so deeply unsatisfied with what really is just a very fortunate existence. My dad said of my mom once that she was just pissed because life wasn't a huge fairy tale. He seemed to indicate that all of her bitterness was due to the fact that she just didn't get everything she wanted. I don't want to be that. I don't want to look at a very blessed life and call it rubbish. The very thought sickens me. I know being her daughter how hurt I was that she didn't seem to really even want me around. I've always kind of felt like if I died, it wouldn't matter one way or the other to her. I know that is over the top dramatic, but it is how I felt. I don't feel that way anymore, really. No, I can't when I watched everything she had built crumble around her, and I've watched her sink further and further into regret. Now all she does is apologize. Even for things that aren't her fault.
I don't want to be regretful. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Why in the world didn't I appreciate that?!?!" And yet, it just seems to be my knee jerk reaction. "Why doesn't this look and feel just the way I expected it to?!" Writing it out makes it so obvious, but being in the throws of it have been very confusing for me this week.
I guess what I need to do is identify what it is I want, do what I can to get it, and then if I can't, get over it. I wasn't really promised anything in this life except suffering and the friendship of Jesus, if I wanted it.
In all the sweet ways day dreaming feels and works, I hate it. I really really hate it.
Sometimes this didn't go so well for me. When I was younger I had pictures on one wall of my room of Teenie Bopper Andrew Keegan. They were only on one side because I just knew that he could see me through these photos. I would undress with my back to that wall. Obviously this isn't so much a cute fantasy, as much as a totally bizarre one. My point, however, is that I have an active imagination.
In Amelie, however, she finds herself day dreaming her life away. Prompted by the folk around her, especially her frail shut in neighbor, she acts on this crush she has in just the most creative and insane ways. Well, many ridiculously cute scenes later, after this girl and boy have just missed one another (purposely) you find Amelie in her kitchen preparing a meal. She is thinking of how this fellow orchestrates this rather elaborate ruse and ends up in her apt. In her day dream he fiddles with her beaded curtain, but in real life, it was the cat. Very disappointing. You are lead to think for half a second that in fact, he will have wanted her enough to go to all of this trouble to present himself to her, but it is just the cat. Well, the movie ends about 2 seconds after that when while she was day dreaming, he really was trying to get to her. *swoon*
I spend a lot of time day dreaming, especially with this cursed Twilight mania going on. I'm old enough to know better, and even to be bitter about it. "Yes, just keep hoping he will do such and such, you idiot!" Especially since I am married. What I am gonna do? Wait for some version of Edward to come around, and when he does, tell him, "Uh, I'm married, but thanks for the undying love sentiment". Apparently I'm young enough to keep doing it anyway. I used to be hopeful, and now I just want to stab myself in the foot. I am convinced it would hurt less.
Poor Warren gets the brunt of this (although he has no idea why I've turned into a lunatic, and I cant tell him it is because he doesn't treat me as if I am the reason for his existence, because I'm not, which is fine, really). What the hell is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me, though, of that I am convinced. I'm 24, I'm bored out of my mind, I am so deeply unsatisfied with what really is just a very fortunate existence. My dad said of my mom once that she was just pissed because life wasn't a huge fairy tale. He seemed to indicate that all of her bitterness was due to the fact that she just didn't get everything she wanted. I don't want to be that. I don't want to look at a very blessed life and call it rubbish. The very thought sickens me. I know being her daughter how hurt I was that she didn't seem to really even want me around. I've always kind of felt like if I died, it wouldn't matter one way or the other to her. I know that is over the top dramatic, but it is how I felt. I don't feel that way anymore, really. No, I can't when I watched everything she had built crumble around her, and I've watched her sink further and further into regret. Now all she does is apologize. Even for things that aren't her fault.
I don't want to be regretful. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Why in the world didn't I appreciate that?!?!" And yet, it just seems to be my knee jerk reaction. "Why doesn't this look and feel just the way I expected it to?!" Writing it out makes it so obvious, but being in the throws of it have been very confusing for me this week.
I guess what I need to do is identify what it is I want, do what I can to get it, and then if I can't, get over it. I wasn't really promised anything in this life except suffering and the friendship of Jesus, if I wanted it.
In all the sweet ways day dreaming feels and works, I hate it. I really really hate it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A Pretty Good Thought
This is why I am not completely Anti-Abortion (b/c I am pro life, I would think most pro-choicer's are as well).
Monday, December 8, 2008
Baby Boy
Well, it has been quite a while since I talked to my midwife about letting me help with some births. About 2 months, actually. I thought she was just mad at me. I just knew it would not be a good idea to call. If she wanted me to help, she would call. So I just waited.
Last night, while Matthew was asleep due to sickness, Warren and I were working feverishly on our bathroom. What started out as a toilet replacement became a full scale remodel. Okay, not full scale. We repainted, refloored, retrimmed, recaulked, and retoileted. The vanity, the shower, the mirror, and the light fixtures remain untouched. So we are installing the trim so that we can FINALLY install the toilet and Matthew wakes up. With a 103.8 temp. We gave him some Tylenol, got him in a warm bath and 20 min later the fever was down to 100.3. Whew. No trip to the hospital. I also had a meeting that I was planning on going to after he was back to sleep. Dad was willing to stay home and sleep with him. Obviously, it was as important as taking my kid to the hospital, but it was a relief that I didn't have to take my baby to the ER and I could still make my meeting. Icing on the cake. Well, about 7pm, the midwife calls. "Hey, you in for a birth?!?!?"
UGH! I have a sick baby, I am remodeling my bathroom, and tonight is the first meeting for this study I am super excited about. OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO A BIRTH!! :-) So I flew out of the door. I flew right back in when I couldn't find my keys, but then I FLEW right back out after I stole my husband's.
I got to the birthing center to find out that mom was complete, but not feeling the urge to push, so we just sat in midwife's office and chatted. After a bit she said she was ready to push, and by this time the real assistant was there. At one point mom needed oxygen b/c the baby's heart rate was dropping. We decided to take a break since there was still a bit of cervix left, and that was all she needed. After about 20 min, she was ready to go again, and man did we go! She got that kid out in 30 min (which is kind of awesome(who am I kidding, I don't really know. However, I think it is awesome)). She sat with him in the tub (where she had birthed) and passed the placenta. It ended up that I became the photographer, so that was nice for them.
We got mom and baby cleaned up and in bed. They basically just chilled out. The coolest part? I got to help her breastfeed! It was fun acting all like, "Yeah, I know what the hell I'm doing" When I really don't. I know how to breastfeed, I just don't really know how to teach someone else how, ya know? He wasn't feeling it, so we tried again after about 30 min. He latched on pretty well and she didn't complain about any pain, so hopefully they have a bright breastfeeding future ahead of them.
All in all, it was just a textbook birth, really. But it was so great. I didn't do much but get in the way and act like a moron (nothing says idiot like learning to take blood pressure on a nursing student who doesn't know it is your first attempt). However, I had so much fun! I didn't get giddy. I never felt faint. I pretty much kept my cool, which is kind of impressive for me.
Afterwards we just cleaned up and did a crap load of laundry. I was home by 1am. I got about 6.5 hours of sleep which isn't shabby in my book! I couldn't even fall asleep right away, which is one of my nifty tricks, I was too busy being excited about my very cool evening.
Anyway, I still don't know what I want to do, but I had a blast last night, and I think I could actually be capable of doing that. I don't know. I'm just going to try very hard to live in the moment and not think too too much about it.
Last night, while Matthew was asleep due to sickness, Warren and I were working feverishly on our bathroom. What started out as a toilet replacement became a full scale remodel. Okay, not full scale. We repainted, refloored, retrimmed, recaulked, and retoileted. The vanity, the shower, the mirror, and the light fixtures remain untouched. So we are installing the trim so that we can FINALLY install the toilet and Matthew wakes up. With a 103.8 temp. We gave him some Tylenol, got him in a warm bath and 20 min later the fever was down to 100.3. Whew. No trip to the hospital. I also had a meeting that I was planning on going to after he was back to sleep. Dad was willing to stay home and sleep with him. Obviously, it was as important as taking my kid to the hospital, but it was a relief that I didn't have to take my baby to the ER and I could still make my meeting. Icing on the cake. Well, about 7pm, the midwife calls. "Hey, you in for a birth?!?!?"
UGH! I have a sick baby, I am remodeling my bathroom, and tonight is the first meeting for this study I am super excited about. OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO A BIRTH!! :-) So I flew out of the door. I flew right back in when I couldn't find my keys, but then I FLEW right back out after I stole my husband's.
I got to the birthing center to find out that mom was complete, but not feeling the urge to push, so we just sat in midwife's office and chatted. After a bit she said she was ready to push, and by this time the real assistant was there. At one point mom needed oxygen b/c the baby's heart rate was dropping. We decided to take a break since there was still a bit of cervix left, and that was all she needed. After about 20 min, she was ready to go again, and man did we go! She got that kid out in 30 min (which is kind of awesome(who am I kidding, I don't really know. However, I think it is awesome)). She sat with him in the tub (where she had birthed) and passed the placenta. It ended up that I became the photographer, so that was nice for them.
We got mom and baby cleaned up and in bed. They basically just chilled out. The coolest part? I got to help her breastfeed! It was fun acting all like, "Yeah, I know what the hell I'm doing" When I really don't. I know how to breastfeed, I just don't really know how to teach someone else how, ya know? He wasn't feeling it, so we tried again after about 30 min. He latched on pretty well and she didn't complain about any pain, so hopefully they have a bright breastfeeding future ahead of them.
All in all, it was just a textbook birth, really. But it was so great. I didn't do much but get in the way and act like a moron (nothing says idiot like learning to take blood pressure on a nursing student who doesn't know it is your first attempt). However, I had so much fun! I didn't get giddy. I never felt faint. I pretty much kept my cool, which is kind of impressive for me.
Afterwards we just cleaned up and did a crap load of laundry. I was home by 1am. I got about 6.5 hours of sleep which isn't shabby in my book! I couldn't even fall asleep right away, which is one of my nifty tricks, I was too busy being excited about my very cool evening.
Anyway, I still don't know what I want to do, but I had a blast last night, and I think I could actually be capable of doing that. I don't know. I'm just going to try very hard to live in the moment and not think too too much about it.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Embarrassed
You know you are truly embarrassed by something when you are hesitant to write about it on your anonymous blog.
I saw Twilight again today. That makes three times. I mean. Ugh.
The part where Edward admits he has been watching Bella sleep for two months. That is how I feel. I feel super wrong, and creepy, but I'm not stopping myself? What I do wait for is an excuse. The first time was obviously for myself, but the second and third were in service to some friends. I'm gonna just keep telling myself that. At least they liked the film, so that makes me feel a little better. The chick that went to see it with me today hasn't read any of the books. I was sure she was going to turn to me after the movie and shake her head at me in shame effectively saying, "No no Beth. This needs to stop." But she didn't. She sighed and exclaimed, "That was great! I need to read the books!"
I just hope she didn't see the relief on my face.
Someone needs to kick Robert Pattinson for playing Edward so damn well. It just hurts.
Anyway. I'm working hard on coming back to the world of grown ups. It is a good world. I love so many things about this world. But the 17 y/o in me just slithers down her seat to day dream about this romance in secret and it is freaking killin' me.
I saw Twilight again today. That makes three times. I mean. Ugh.
The part where Edward admits he has been watching Bella sleep for two months. That is how I feel. I feel super wrong, and creepy, but I'm not stopping myself? What I do wait for is an excuse. The first time was obviously for myself, but the second and third were in service to some friends. I'm gonna just keep telling myself that. At least they liked the film, so that makes me feel a little better. The chick that went to see it with me today hasn't read any of the books. I was sure she was going to turn to me after the movie and shake her head at me in shame effectively saying, "No no Beth. This needs to stop." But she didn't. She sighed and exclaimed, "That was great! I need to read the books!"
I just hope she didn't see the relief on my face.
Someone needs to kick Robert Pattinson for playing Edward so damn well. It just hurts.
Anyway. I'm working hard on coming back to the world of grown ups. It is a good world. I love so many things about this world. But the 17 y/o in me just slithers down her seat to day dream about this romance in secret and it is freaking killin' me.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
My Broken Head
This is the deal. I fainted twice while on the potty. You can read about that here (if you really want to.......). I really did not want to go to the doctor because I knew it was be extremely unsatisfying as I talked about here.
But it happened twice in a couple of weeks, so that was enough to warrant the whole work up. Well, I finally had my followup. The blood work? Fine. The EEG? Fine. The MRI? Better than fine. Yup.
I knew going into the appt the best news I could get was, "Nope, you still have a tumor that isn't doing anything and we don't know why you are fainting when you crap." Happily, I was wrong. I got this news instead, "Nope, you do NOT have a brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed. You no longer have to hurry to have kids or worry that at some point your brain will stop working and you'll come into the office to take hormone shots once a month. AND we still don't know why you faint. Try not to crap."
No, they didn't tell me to avoid the turlet, but he chalked it up to a vasovagel response (shock). I'm not sure what my body is worried about, but I guess there is something scary about pooping because twice I've woken up on the floor with rug burn on my face (which is far worse than pooping, IMHO).
The GREAT news is that I don't have a brain tumor! YES! No more MRI's. No more rushing to have babies. No more worries that I'll be dependent on hormone shots for decades!
That is two major things in one year. Cervical Cancer and Brain Tumor. Gone. Ka put. Nada. I'm feeling fortunate. And you know what? I can't tell my mom. I didn't want to tell her about the tests because when she worries it's bad for everyone, so I thought, "If it's bad news then I'll let her know, and if it is good news then it doesn't matter, and no one is the wiser" Except the news was better than good. So do I tell her, "Hey, I got tested for the worrisome thing that I didn't want to tell you about, but the good news is I am tumor free?" or just not tell her? I'm probably not going to tell her and let my dad or brother bring it up on accident and say, "I really didn't tell you about that? No, I think I did. You must have been drunk..." How's that for Godly behavior?
But it happened twice in a couple of weeks, so that was enough to warrant the whole work up. Well, I finally had my followup. The blood work? Fine. The EEG? Fine. The MRI? Better than fine. Yup.
I knew going into the appt the best news I could get was, "Nope, you still have a tumor that isn't doing anything and we don't know why you are fainting when you crap." Happily, I was wrong. I got this news instead, "Nope, you do NOT have a brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed. You no longer have to hurry to have kids or worry that at some point your brain will stop working and you'll come into the office to take hormone shots once a month. AND we still don't know why you faint. Try not to crap."
No, they didn't tell me to avoid the turlet, but he chalked it up to a vasovagel response (shock). I'm not sure what my body is worried about, but I guess there is something scary about pooping because twice I've woken up on the floor with rug burn on my face (which is far worse than pooping, IMHO).
The GREAT news is that I don't have a brain tumor! YES! No more MRI's. No more rushing to have babies. No more worries that I'll be dependent on hormone shots for decades!
That is two major things in one year. Cervical Cancer and Brain Tumor. Gone. Ka put. Nada. I'm feeling fortunate. And you know what? I can't tell my mom. I didn't want to tell her about the tests because when she worries it's bad for everyone, so I thought, "If it's bad news then I'll let her know, and if it is good news then it doesn't matter, and no one is the wiser" Except the news was better than good. So do I tell her, "Hey, I got tested for the worrisome thing that I didn't want to tell you about, but the good news is I am tumor free?" or just not tell her? I'm probably not going to tell her and let my dad or brother bring it up on accident and say, "I really didn't tell you about that? No, I think I did. You must have been drunk..." How's that for Godly behavior?
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