Annoying Wife Thing

Okay, so the dissatisfaction I keep bringing up (Im sure it has been a JOY to read about), that is just seeping into every area of my life, seemingly, is even getting into my marriage (big surprise).

I really really am a lucky gal when it comes to the whole marriage thing. Except in one rather vital area. I totally enjoy my husband's company. We are good friends. I appreciate all the hard work he does to keep a roof over our head, to raise our boy, to even keep the house clean. We make decisions together very seamlessly and without much disagreement. Even when we do disagree, things usually go pretty well. What it kind of boils down to is that we are terrific roommates, or partners. Our lives are so much better because of the other person. I know it. Because of me, he has a better life, and because of him, I have a better life. We just work so well together. We have this routine of life down pat.

I think you picked up on what is left out. There is almost no chemistry. It just feels like a really awesome business deal that also bleeds into personal life. It is so strange to me. If we had money problems, I know we would be like every other couple out there, fighting like pit bulls and divorced in a year. But I am really good with our money, and because of the way I handle it, we do surprisingly well for lower middle class folk. We both just love love love our son. He is so freaking fantastic. Nothing brings smiles to our faces like this kid. We just laugh and laugh, and he brings this tremendous tenderness out of both of us, for him. And we are sensitive to one another's needs. He knows I need hugs and touches, and obliges. I know he needs "things", and I oblige. But it really really is just fulfilling obligations (is that as painful for you as it is for me?). Neither of us are bitter about it. I'm happy to make him happy, I just am not overwhelmed by this need to be in bed with him. I know he is happy to make me happy, but much the same as me, is not overwhelmed by the need to be near me, touching or caressing. Before marriage, we were totally all over it. I wanted in his pants in a fierce way. He couldn't keep his hands of me (both in sexual and not sexual ways), and was often telling how much he loved me. Then we got married. Ouch. Why is life long commitment so bad for intimacy?

I read and hear everywhere that is the woman's responsibility to make a relationship work. I just don't know what to do. I tried the whole appreciation thing. Like, I do appreciate him very much and communicate it, but I guess the idea is that you smother a guy with it and he responds by turning into the man of your dreams? It didn't work. He got all bashful and told me to stop after a week because he said it felt cheap. I'm sure it did. And I was being very sincere because I honestly do appreciate him for everything he does and does not do (ya know, like the bad stuff some husbands do). I tried the whole vixen in the bedroom thing. Nope, he just got laid a lot, but I didn't get that sensitive, touching caring guy I wanted. I got more of the same. Get laid, go to bed. Before trying all this trickery, I tried to just tell him out right, but that backfired on me so severely. "I want you to want me!" "I DO want you." "Then why doesn't it seem like you want me" "I don't know. Maybe it is because you are too needy." And then of course, I'm now offended and we are fighting.

And don't think I haven't thought of that; being too needy. I really have. It is why I've given up talking about it straight up. Why bother? If I really am being too needy, then the fault is mine for being unsatisfied. If I'm not being too needy, husband just really doesn't want me, well that is an answer I don't want to deal with.

That is pretty bad, that last thought, but I think the worst part about all of it is he thinks everything is fine. He is 100% happy with our marriage.

So either I figure out a way to become satisfied or wait for my husband to get a clue. I really don't know how to make either happen, and I really wish I did.