Amelie

Can I say how much I love this movie?! Really, I just love it. A lot. The ending is something which just has me totally blown over. Maybe every woman thinks she is the only woman that just thinks up these totally ridiculous fantasies. I don't know, but I know I do, and I know I feel like the only one. And they aren't about sex. I don't really fantasize about sex. Now that I am stopping to think about it, they almost all have to do with being wanted. They go along the lines of being that one girl to the guy who can get any one he wanted.

Sometimes this didn't go so well for me. When I was younger I had pictures on one wall of my room of Teenie Bopper Andrew Keegan. They were only on one side because I just knew that he could see me through these photos. I would undress with my back to that wall. Obviously this isn't so much a cute fantasy, as much as a totally bizarre one. My point, however, is that I have an active imagination.

In Amelie, however, she finds herself day dreaming her life away. Prompted by the folk around her, especially her frail shut in neighbor, she acts on this crush she has in just the most creative and insane ways. Well, many ridiculously cute scenes later, after this girl and boy have just missed one another (purposely) you find Amelie in her kitchen preparing a meal. She is thinking of how this fellow orchestrates this rather elaborate ruse and ends up in her apt. In her day dream he fiddles with her beaded curtain, but in real life, it was the cat. Very disappointing. You are lead to think for half a second that in fact, he will have wanted her enough to go to all of this trouble to present himself to her, but it is just the cat. Well, the movie ends about 2 seconds after that when while she was day dreaming, he really was trying to get to her. *swoon*

I spend a lot of time day dreaming, especially with this cursed Twilight mania going on. I'm old enough to know better, and even to be bitter about it. "Yes, just keep hoping he will do such and such, you idiot!" Especially since I am married. What I am gonna do? Wait for some version of Edward to come around, and when he does, tell him, "Uh, I'm married, but thanks for the undying love sentiment". Apparently I'm young enough to keep doing it anyway. I used to be hopeful, and now I just want to stab myself in the foot. I am convinced it would hurt less.

Poor Warren gets the brunt of this (although he has no idea why I've turned into a lunatic, and I cant tell him it is because he doesn't treat me as if I am the reason for his existence, because I'm not, which is fine, really). What the hell is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me, though, of that I am convinced. I'm 24, I'm bored out of my mind, I am so deeply unsatisfied with what really is just a very fortunate existence. My dad said of my mom once that she was just pissed because life wasn't a huge fairy tale. He seemed to indicate that all of her bitterness was due to the fact that she just didn't get everything she wanted. I don't want to be that. I don't want to look at a very blessed life and call it rubbish. The very thought sickens me. I know being her daughter how hurt I was that she didn't seem to really even want me around. I've always kind of felt like if I died, it wouldn't matter one way or the other to her. I know that is over the top dramatic, but it is how I felt. I don't feel that way anymore, really. No, I can't when I watched everything she had built crumble around her, and I've watched her sink further and further into regret. Now all she does is apologize. Even for things that aren't her fault.

I don't want to be regretful. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Why in the world didn't I appreciate that?!?!" And yet, it just seems to be my knee jerk reaction. "Why doesn't this look and feel just the way I expected it to?!" Writing it out makes it so obvious, but being in the throws of it have been very confusing for me this week.

I guess what I need to do is identify what it is I want, do what I can to get it, and then if I can't, get over it. I wasn't really promised anything in this life except suffering and the friendship of Jesus, if I wanted it.

In all the sweet ways day dreaming feels and works, I hate it. I really really hate it.