I just have an itch to write something. I dont know what. I was reading through the haggard post and noticed a million mistakes and typos. I feel just about as tired right now. Therefore, I know it is really not a good idea to be posting, but here I am anyway. Just keep in mind, for every typo you see, I have corrected 15. Promise.
My nose is runny. I mean, like a lot runny. I mean, I had to use chap stick to make my chapped nose feel better runny. That's runny. You don't even know.
It looks like husband is going to get rid of the dog. I really like this dog, and we just got her back. She escaped the back yard for a week and then magically reappeared! It was awesome. Well, the only thing keeping her from perfection is this rather terrible thing. You see, she poops. In the house. A lot. She had actually just pooped 2 hours before this last accident, and Warren and I are diligent to make sure she gets out enough. If there is an exception though, to the routine, she will not tell us. She suffers in silence and then eventually, inevitably, she craps EVERYWHERE. Because this dog doesn't just lay down a massive pile and call it a day, oh no. She walks as she shits. That means there are 15-30 golf ball sized poopies all within a certain area, sometimes the living room, sometimes the bed room, sometimes the dining room. Either way it is a bi-atch to clean. And the smell. I have had dogs my whole life and I am still diapering a child, so I'm not new to the poop smell, but this poop is wake you up out of a dead sleep stinky. It is clogs your airways stinky. It is gag inducing stinky (even when you ARENT pregnant). It is the worst stink I know of. Im not exaggerating at all, but keep in mind, Ive never smelled rotting flesh, which is supposed to top the cake. I pretty much HATE this thing she does and wish and pray she would whine or stop or SOMETHING. Alas, I cannot figure out how to get this dog to talk to me. Poor thing knows its bad. She knows. I think she hates it more than we do. Well, that can't be true...
Warren HATES this problem. We got a dog, Panzer, for 9 months, and I knew after 2 days I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. I tried for 9 months to like this dog, I really did. Eventually, she found a new home, which is my spineless way of saying I took her to the pound. So I have absolutely no ground to stand on when Warren says he wants this dog gone. And he is serious. The poop problem is just more than he can handle. I told him he had to do it though. I like this dog. I will miss this dog. I think it is tremendously irresponsible to give up a dog, however, Ive done it, so I feel like I can't blame him if he wants to do it. Also, if he insisted that we keep the dog I ousted, there would have been problems. So I can't even insist we keep her. I wont put my foot down because I am so thankful he didn't. So Im kind of stuck and I hate this for this dog.
All I know is, Im done with dogs. I love dogs and I love having pets, but we are obviously not responsible enough pet owners to actually have a dog. Maybe a cat. In several years. But my heart breaks for Panzer and now for Keiko. So, unless I am totally conviced I have my act together and have the money to vaccinate, medicate, and train another dog, I just won't do it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I Feel GOOD! I Knew That I Would!
Yay! I finally feel pretty good. I love feeling good. I miss it when I don't feel good. Physically, not so hot, this pregnancy is being less kind than my previous one, but I know better than to complain too loudly because it can always get worse! Anyway, what I mean is that I feel good in my head. I think me and my crazy lady (counselor) are hitting on something really important for me, and I have high high hopes that this will help in some major areas I've been struggling in.
I realized the other day that I view life like a string in knots. Life was meant to be pleasant, straight forward, a beautiful process. But in this fallen world, sin gets our path tied up in knots. Also, sometimes because we are fallen, God has to put knots in our path so we can ultimately untie other, more important knots.
When you are in labor, it really does help to look at contractions as something with a purpose and to rename them. Instead of painful contractions, you can call them strong surges. The idea is that if you look at them as a good thing, as something that is ultimately helping you and your baby, you don't feel the pain the same because you don't regard the pain the same. You become more willing to work with the pain, you know each pain or surge is really working with you to bring your baby into the world, and that makes everything suck just a little less! Sometimes, a lot less!
While it is unfortunate that I was raised in such a way as to expect life to be hard and to suck (and I am dealing with the ways this has adverse affects on my life when it doesn't suck and isn't difficult), what is fortunate is that I have a perspective on hard events that I don't think other people have. A lot of the parts of myself that are good and that I really love and am glad I possess, I only have because of the struggles I've been through. There are so many WONDERFUL parts of my life, huge blessings, that I never would know or appreciate without the suffering I went through ahead of time. I should be clear and say that I am mostly talking about circumstantial suffering.
Now I am running out of time and just realizing that the whole point of this post was to talk about how good I feel. That's funny to me! Anyway, life is like a knotted string. For me. For now. :-) I don't know why, but thinking of life in that way makes me feel so much better about everything.
I realized the other day that I view life like a string in knots. Life was meant to be pleasant, straight forward, a beautiful process. But in this fallen world, sin gets our path tied up in knots. Also, sometimes because we are fallen, God has to put knots in our path so we can ultimately untie other, more important knots.
When you are in labor, it really does help to look at contractions as something with a purpose and to rename them. Instead of painful contractions, you can call them strong surges. The idea is that if you look at them as a good thing, as something that is ultimately helping you and your baby, you don't feel the pain the same because you don't regard the pain the same. You become more willing to work with the pain, you know each pain or surge is really working with you to bring your baby into the world, and that makes everything suck just a little less! Sometimes, a lot less!
While it is unfortunate that I was raised in such a way as to expect life to be hard and to suck (and I am dealing with the ways this has adverse affects on my life when it doesn't suck and isn't difficult), what is fortunate is that I have a perspective on hard events that I don't think other people have. A lot of the parts of myself that are good and that I really love and am glad I possess, I only have because of the struggles I've been through. There are so many WONDERFUL parts of my life, huge blessings, that I never would know or appreciate without the suffering I went through ahead of time. I should be clear and say that I am mostly talking about circumstantial suffering.
Now I am running out of time and just realizing that the whole point of this post was to talk about how good I feel. That's funny to me! Anyway, life is like a knotted string. For me. For now. :-) I don't know why, but thinking of life in that way makes me feel so much better about everything.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Lord of Hosts
I get a daily email from this ministry, http://www.ransomedheart.com, and usually I delete them. It's sad but true. My heart is not in the best spot right now and a lot of religious stuff just hurts. Pretty much the only thing I seem to be able to put up with is how much God likes me. I know that isn't well rounded, but I figure that is an essential part of this whole thing. So with that perspective, check out the email I deigned to open today.
I was reading the prophet Jeremiah a few weeks ago when I ran across a passage that referred to God as “the Lord Almighty.” To be honest, it didn’t resonate. There’s something too religious about the phrase; it sounds churchy, sanctimonious. The Lawd Almiiiighty. It sounds like something your grandmother would say when you came into her kitchen covered in mud. I found myself curious about what the actual phrase means in Hebrew. Might we have lost something in the translation? So I turned to the front of the version I was using for an explanation. Here is what the editors said:
Because for most readers today the phrases “the Lord of hosts” and “God of hosts” have little meaning, this version renders them “the Lord Almighty” and “God Almighty.” These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, “he who is sovereign over all the ‘hosts’ (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the ‘hosts’ (armies) of Israel.”
No, they don’t. They don’t even come close. The Hebrew means “the God of angel armies,” “the God of the armies who fight for his people.” The God who is at war. Does “Lord Almighty” convey “the God who is at war”? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to anyone I’ve asked. It sounds like “the God who is up there but still in charge.” Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up his sleeves, take up sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.
(John Eldredge, Waking the Dead , 160)
Because for most readers today the phrases “the Lord of hosts” and “God of hosts” have little meaning, this version renders them “the Lord Almighty” and “God Almighty.” These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, “he who is sovereign over all the ‘hosts’ (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the ‘hosts’ (armies) of Israel.”
No, they don’t. They don’t even come close. The Hebrew means “the God of angel armies,” “the God of the armies who fight for his people.” The God who is at war. Does “Lord Almighty” convey “the God who is at war”? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to anyone I’ve asked. It sounds like “the God who is up there but still in charge.” Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up his sleeves, take up sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.
(John Eldredge, Waking the Dead , 160)
I like it!
I mean, HOT DAMN, I LIKE it! I really do struggle with this image of a VERY far away Father and a VERY discreet and secret Holy Spirit, and a VERY occupied Jesus who can't possibly make time for me. But it's just not true. The Father is desperate to be with his children, Jesus is desperate to be known by his bride, and the Holy Spirit is desperate to break through the layers of our sin so that our hearts can be alive in this dark hour.
This isn't a truth I speak out of experience, but rather one I wholeheartedly believe, and one I know the Holy Spirit is working towards and that however shamefully and weakly, I am working towards as well.
And that isn't completely true. God has been faithful to me and has given me nuggets here and there that are leading me to the fullness of this truth, Im just not there yet. And I really really want to be.
He is the God of Hosts! He is coming to break down sin to get to me! His war is on sin and his prize is me! I can't wait for the day when Jesus prevails, and the war is won. The war will be ugly and hard-fought, but he will prevail.
In this struggle, I am so weak, and so prone to caving into my desires, but my eyes on are you, Jesus. I have dove's eyes for you.
I mean, HOT DAMN, I LIKE it! I really do struggle with this image of a VERY far away Father and a VERY discreet and secret Holy Spirit, and a VERY occupied Jesus who can't possibly make time for me. But it's just not true. The Father is desperate to be with his children, Jesus is desperate to be known by his bride, and the Holy Spirit is desperate to break through the layers of our sin so that our hearts can be alive in this dark hour.
This isn't a truth I speak out of experience, but rather one I wholeheartedly believe, and one I know the Holy Spirit is working towards and that however shamefully and weakly, I am working towards as well.
And that isn't completely true. God has been faithful to me and has given me nuggets here and there that are leading me to the fullness of this truth, Im just not there yet. And I really really want to be.
He is the God of Hosts! He is coming to break down sin to get to me! His war is on sin and his prize is me! I can't wait for the day when Jesus prevails, and the war is won. The war will be ugly and hard-fought, but he will prevail.
In this struggle, I am so weak, and so prone to caving into my desires, but my eyes on are you, Jesus. I have dove's eyes for you.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Perspective
"...Off I go to prophetic evangelism. So excited...God showed out last week. Lord, grant us souls!!! Lord, grant us disciples!!!"
This is a status update from one of my friends on facebook. Well, she isn't a friend. I don't know her even a little bit. I've met her once and seen her face all of two times. Maybe that is what allows me to be so critical, but who am I kidding? I'm always critical. Anyway, I have an opinion on her status update."Lord, grant us souls!" Is he keeping them from you? Does he have a locker of souls, from which he can pluck a few out when you are feeling brave and bolstered and like a good christian? Is he the one that that is doing you the favor by letting you lead someone to Christ? Maybe what you are trying to say is, "Lord, lead us to souls that are ripe for harvesting! I want to speak about you and I want the people I speak to, to be impacted by your truth!" "Show me who you have already been working on and please let me help in your work to pluck these people out of hell!"
I dont know. Maybe I think too much like a lost person and it is what keeps me from telling people the truth of Jesus. "Lord, grant us disciples"? sounds like a cult to me. Almighty power of the universe, wont you give us more people for our cause, I mean YOUR cause, so that we can look legitamate and like we really have the answer! Because we do! All your answers to life's problems right here. Just sign right here, sacrifice 8 hours of your life per week, and you are on your way to eternal GLORY! You have a job? Kids? A HOBBY! Jesus isn't your hobby? Don't you know this is more important than your job?! This is your eternity we are talking about here!!
If I read this entry and felt the need to comment, I would say, "Bitter much?"
Anyway, Im pissed about a great many other things. Pissed, and down, and sad, and totally missing all that makes my life so wonderful, and am therefore mad some more. :-) Have a great day, okay? For me?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My Heart Today
I am unsatisfied with the condition of my marriage. I want out, but in this area I am fighting with everything I have NOT to do what I want. I am nervous about kid no. 2. Im a little frustrated with my hair. Im a little more frustrated with my father and his inability to stay close to me. I feel almost totally alone right now. I have no access to almost every single one of my friends. I am actually afraid, yes scared, to start potty training. It is the last piece of my baby I just do not want to let go. I am shocked that I feel this way. Because Im pregnant, I don't ever trust how I really feel about anything. I am so far from the Lord. Every other thought I have is adulterous. And I want to think those thoughts even though I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. This makes it hard to have a sincere conversation with Jesus.
Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.
I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.
I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.
Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.
I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.
I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I can't get no.. satisfaction
I AM going to learn how to be satisfied DAMMIT!
Does that mean I have to start off by being satisfied with with my dissatisfaction?
It's shit like that takes up all the room in my head and kicks out birthdays, plans, dinners, and whatever it is you told me yesterday that was really important that I not forget.
Does that mean I have to start off by being satisfied with with my dissatisfaction?
It's shit like that takes up all the room in my head and kicks out birthdays, plans, dinners, and whatever it is you told me yesterday that was really important that I not forget.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Inheritance
I think I have inherited self pity. I think I am racked by self pity. I am so in love with myself that when anything is below my very high expectations of how I think life should go, I am just so sad. Or mad.
Anyway, I really don't want to be writing, I want to be in the blue chair spending time with Jesus. However, I just hate sitting there feeling like this is one big cosmic joke that I am the butt of. "Hey, look at Beth try and "commune" with Jesus. Doesn't she know that all she will ever get is silence?" They say you can't really do it wrong, but if I'm not doing something wrong, then I guess Jesus doesn't want to meet with me? I don't know. Self pity. This whole time with Jesus thing doesn't look like I want it to so I am confused and angry and depressed and letting myself believe that God doesn't love me and doesn't want to spend time with me. I would really like my head not to be clouded for at least 15 min so I could figure out where it is I am supposed to be going. *sigh* self pity.
Anyway, I really don't want to be writing, I want to be in the blue chair spending time with Jesus. However, I just hate sitting there feeling like this is one big cosmic joke that I am the butt of. "Hey, look at Beth try and "commune" with Jesus. Doesn't she know that all she will ever get is silence?" They say you can't really do it wrong, but if I'm not doing something wrong, then I guess Jesus doesn't want to meet with me? I don't know. Self pity. This whole time with Jesus thing doesn't look like I want it to so I am confused and angry and depressed and letting myself believe that God doesn't love me and doesn't want to spend time with me. I would really like my head not to be clouded for at least 15 min so I could figure out where it is I am supposed to be going. *sigh* self pity.
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