Ya Know, Stuff

I feel good.

I straightened my hair the other day and it looked GOOD. And it was easy, and very repeatable.

I am really liking Gateway as a church. I mean really really. Can I tell you how I long for a South Campus of some sort? Jesus? Can we work on that?

Oh, and the reason I am liking Gateway, well, it takes more than I want to put in right now, but lets just say that Jesus is awesome. Not in that, "Im a preteen and I say this to fit in!" way, but in that "Oh my GOD life is really hard and I am so bad at life, but hey, there is Jesus and he really loves me, I mean a lot" way. I know when you say, "Jesus died for you", it's like an in one ear and out the other phrase. Think of when you are trying to tell someone about how much you love your kids, even if they are a parent themselves, you just know they aren't getting it, "No, you don't understand, I LOVE him!". It's like that. Jesus is AWESOME. Lets just all assume none of us are really understanding just how awesome Jesus is.

I really love my nephew. He is so beautiful. I can't wait to see what kind of person he becomes.

Itunes is a RAM sucker. It's frickin 10 pm, finish up so I can go to bed!

My son. I love saying that, "my son". Ive noticed that everyone just assumes new mothers want a girl. Even now that Im getting a girl, I kinda miss the fact that I won't have another boy around the house. I love love boys. And girls scare me. Please Jesus, let this be a cool girl. Or rather, let me be a good mom for whatever type of girl you give me.

My dog is about to give birth to puppies any day now. Seriously. I am so excited and nervous.

Like I said, I feel good.

Oh, and we have a first name for the girl. Sophia. But that is subject to change.

Mixed Bag

Today, I'm a mixed bag. This weekend was less than easy. It wasn't hard in the sense that I will remember it forever as being a hard weekend. It was just... way less than easy. I'm trying to work really hard to get ready for the impending change coming up. We are about to have a new litter of puppies (which I REALLY need to research), and I am about to have my own child a couple months after those puppies are taken care of. Warren is most likely going to let me stay home, which means that all of our disposable income is about to be sucked away. I desperately want to stay home with my kids for some time (a year?), but as far as I can tell, Warren desperately wants disposable income. I know all the women out there are thinking, "Well, being a mother comes before money, so your need is more valid". Maybe they aren't, but it's what the selfish part of me thinks. However, Warren's need to make sure his family is provided for is pretty significant. I grew up without a present mom, so it is what I want to provide. He grew up without stuff and was teased mercilessly about it, so it is what he wants to provide. Lord, please please please figure this out. Help me or Warren get over not getting what we want for a time, or better yet, is there a way we can both have what we want?

In my attempt to bribe Warren into letting me stay home, I have agreed to get a flat screen TV. We really don't have the money for this. I mean, we kinda do, if you are of the average American mindset, they we have PLENTY of money for a new TV and all the new expenses we are about to incur with a new baby. But if you are of a more responsible mindset than the average American, you know, this is less than responsible. I think there is a little war between my shoulder angel and demon, neither one really good or bad, just on opposite sides.

I really wish my dad would help out. I really wish my boss would lay me off instead of having to quit so I could draw unemployment. I really wish Warren would get promoted to Co-Manager, so money wouldn't be an issue. I really wish I were getting ALL of the things I want for this baby (clothes, cloth diapers, wrap).

Really, when it comes down to it, I really only want those things. I have everything else and the rest is just stuff. I need clothes, but cloth diapers and this particular wrap are really extra, though I really want them. I bet I could even find a swing from someone who wasn't using theirs anymore. But I don't have to have the swing. So really, not much to get in that area. Oh, and I could really use a pack and play, but that is cheap on craigslist.

I am so nervous about my dog having puppies. I have no freaking clue what to do or look for, and unfortunately, as Ive already bitched about, I don't have money to really take care of her if something goes wrong. I know, I know, but what about the TV you say? Well, I don't really have the cash for that in the first place, do I? I am not an animal hater, but neither do I give them human status, or equal as human status. I think I have a responsibility to this dog, as her owner, but I'm really not going to go much out of my way to shelter her from what nature wouldn't. If I had lots of disposable income, then I would spend it on her, but I don't. So I am trying to do the best by her without putting my family in a bad financial situation. Basically, I'm not draining savings for a dog, and I'm not going in debt for a dog. Isn't it funny how we worry about dogs not having homes, which really is only a problem because we refuse to let them hang out in nature? "I really love you puppy and everyone should love you as much as I do, but what I will not tolerate is HAVING LOOSE DOGS ON THE STREET! AGGHHH!!!" *rolling the eyes* If lose dogs on the street are so dangerous (and they really can be) then why do we take them into our homes? My random thoughts on pet ownership and how it is just a pet, not a person.

ANYWAY, I'm super excited to have some puppies and a baby girl (whom I don't know what to name), and I am kinda nervous. Having watched God provide for Shay should make me ashamed to be so nervous. How about this? I'll be a littler nervous, but I'll continue to believe that God will figure out something? In the meantime, maybe I'll figure out that he always provides.

I'm not really afraid that God wont provide, I'm afraid that my husband is going to get scared and then yank away my last chance to do the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and that is be a stay at home mom. I hate having it so close and then feeling like I'm not going to get it. And I hate that Warren is going to treat me bad and probably have a bad attitude the entire time. And I hate that I am going to have to take it, and that instead of growing up and being gracious, he is going to be a jerk. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to have to be the bigger man, like he has been so many times, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail, because I SUCK at being the bigger man.

My Nephew pt 2

So I knew as soon as I posted something about how I felt and made it a semi permanent part of this blog, I would be reassured, humbled, or something. Well, sho nuff, sho nuff batman, I was a little of both.

I was airing out my frustrations to my mother, which I always have to do carefully. She can pick up on a bad mood quickly and make it worse even quicker. It's the sad truth. Thanks for caring mom, but talking to you about it does not help. I dont know if it is because she is mostly right and it just hurts to hear the truth in a bad mood or if it is because she tries to explain why you shouldn't be upset in the first place, which is just about the worst thing I can think of to help someone. I think she does both. I know she means well. I do.

Well, I realized right after I got off the phone that I did the same thing to her that I think Caroline is doing to me; pushed her away. Mom was just doing her best to help me feel better, but it wasn't working and I didn't know how to be nice about it because she was actually making things worse. I'ld bet a million bucks that is what I was putting Caroline through. I was trying to make things better, but I wasn't hitting her target and I was just making it worse and worse. Unlike me though, she probably didn't know how to tell me to just shut the hell up. Not that I know how, but that I'll say it anyway.

Anyway, it makes me feel a little better, like she isn't trying to dump me as a friend. I don't think anyway. :-) And Warren helped me realize last night that if Caroline doesn't want to fight the breastfeeding battle, then she just doesn't have to. She knows she can ask me anything and she knows she has a whole host of support, so she can draw on it if she wants to. So I don't really have to worry about it. Just because I love breastfeeding doesn't mean I can make her love it. And that is okay.

But I didn't even write about that yesterday, did I? Nope, I totally left out how afraid I was that she was rejecting me as a friend, and that whole post really did not have a lot to do with how I felt (although, I still think she would have benefited from my opinion, but I guess that is part of the human plight, pride).

Anyway, they are home, and he is doing well, and if Matthew doesn't sleep the whole evening away, I might get to go visit them! Maybe I'll get to hug him this time.

My Nephew

Oh, you should be warned. This might be a bit of a hornet's nest.

My sweet, adorable nephew, Aiden, was born Wed, July 1st. Isn't that a great birthday? I have this thing with dates, and that one sits very well with me. It must be fun to be the 1st! Anyway, it was a totally routine, necessary c-section (the necessary part is pretty important to me). He was *this* close to being a full 8 lbs. And like most babies of insulin dependent moms (or so I'm told) his blood sugar crashed. That's not a huge deal, except he was stuck in the nursery for a day, so Mom who was recovering from surgery couldn't see him, but Dad could. Then the little punk thought he would just start breathing too fast. Again, I don't know much about this, but apparently that is pretty worrisome. THEN, they found a heart murmur.

Shoo-wee child, cantcha give us a break? Or, cantcha catch one? Anyway, its meant 4 days all but alone in the nursery, and finally last night they were moved into a live-in situation where he could be monitored, and Mom and Dad could be with him 24/7. Let's pray that tomorrow they can go home, right?

Let me be the first to say, I hate this whole thing for Caroline and Geoff. As someone who has a little bit of experience medically in that grey area of "well, its not that bad and its not that great", I know, its HARD. Obviously, when it's great, you go on your merry way and totally take for granted how great everything is. It's just the way of things. When it's bad, you cry, you wail, you gnash teethe, and eventually come to find some acceptance in your situation, a little bit of peace in the midst of the suck. It's a far sight less awesome than great, but at least you know where you are. But when it could be either, it's just plain hard. It's like when you are waiting for the test results to your biopsy, or you wonder what the result of your MRI was only to find out it was clean for one thing, but dirty for another. It's not bad yet, but it's still not good.

You know you ought to be thankful for the parts that haven't gone bad yet, but for me that just leads to a list of all the other things that could go wrong. And how will this affect my health in the future? And truth be told, I'm going to live, I'm going to make it, but will I ever get to be normal again, like I was? It's like a roller coaster that instead of feeling good, feels bad, so you have all these ups and downs and you never really know how to feel, and you are told to just keep waiting, we'll see how it goes. Its such a feeling of powerlessness. It's humbling in that not so sweet way. You get to watch everyone else control their lung function, their fertility, their sanity, but you can't, or well, you don't know yet. All these things that everyone everyday takes for granted that they get power over, you don't for the time being. It's hard, let me tell you, real hard.

Of course, I've only had it applied to myself, not my child, so I'm sure that is a whole other ball of wax. A big, awful, rank, rude ball of wax with your baby stuck in the middle.

Here is where this post become all about me. Which I felt bad about for a second, but then remembered this blog is mine, so if you aren't reading this thing for my perspective, then I'm probably going to upset you a lot.

Allow me to admit that even though I have almost no medical training, I have a low intervention philosophy and I really really REALLY believe in the power of the mother/baby bond. I think when you keep mom and baby separated you take huge risks, so it should only be for something really bad that they should be separated. I think Dad's are a great first runner up, but they were not physically built to meet all of a babies needs, and I don't think they are emotionally or hormonally built to meet their needs like mom is. Do NOT get me wrong, I think Dad's are an indispensable part of a family unit, just that they aren't literally built to provide every single need for an infant. I totally understand that keeping mothers and babies together when things get iffy introduces a ton of variables and makes the process a lot less streamlined. But if the whole point is to keep baby healthy or get the baby to healthy, I just haven't seen a case where keeping mom out of the equation helps. Rather, I've seen and have come to understand that mom's involvement makes the world of difference.

I saw the epitome of these two thoughts this week. The nursery Aiden was in was your standard baby nursery, not the NICU, not something else, just your plain ole nursery. They, the very well qualified, nice, caring nurses, kept him in there under lock and key because he was stressed. WHY IN THE WORLD didn't anyone consider that maybe he was stressed because he missed the one person who is built to care for him? Babies and mothers have physiological responses to one another that promote health and well being. He was probably stressed more at night because mom was in her room sleeping instead of checking on him more regularly. He was probably stressed because you were poking him with IV's (totally necessary) and feeding him through a tube (also necessary). But if we know what we are doing is stressing a baby out and also necessary, then lets calm down, finish the procedure, and promptly return him to mom. Even when babies need to be highly monitored, they should do so with mom.

Then we have the live-in nursery. Totally different approach. I was still not allowed to touch him, though I could be around him. Around 8pm, the charge nurse came in and said, "Okay, time to check your vitals, so you can eat!" and of course, Aiden started crying because he was hungry and now couldn't snuggle with mom, which of course, messed up his vitals. What did the nurse do? She said, "Okay, lets calm down, mom, you come hold his hand, lets use this pacifier to calm him for the moment. He is just hungry." She knew that taking a babies vitals when they are hungry promotes the cycle of stressed baby begets more interventions which begets a more stressed baby. She had to take them, but she didn't just say, "He's stressed, lets shove this tube down his throat AGAIN." She helped him calm down, got an accurate vitals and said, "Mom, you're the best thing for him now" even when she knew mom was about to try breastfeeding for the first time (stressful). And it was stressful, but she gave it a shot (and even though he didn't latch right on, things looked really good to me. He did all the normal stuff I see new babies do with new moms. I think they'll get it if she doesn't stop trying.), then gave Aiden his bottle and he went right to sleep. No more stress. JUST LIKE A NORMAL BABY. I think if you treat sick babies like sick babies, they stay sick, but if you allow sick babies to try and be healthy babies, you get healthy. I'm not saying she should have over done it, but we all respond well to a little bit of stress, it's overstressing that is worrisome, and I think keeping mom from baby is the number one thing you can do to overstress a baby. Period. Dot.

Like I said, not a medical professional, not even close. It's just what I think. It's how I parent.

So maybe not period dot. I was just thinking how trying to eliminate all the stress is this child's life is actually contributing to making it more stressful. And I think that is why I'm so mad about it. Instead of letting him try to climb whatever hill he can, they cut him off at the pass. For instance, his blood sugar tanked, so they had to keep him in there to get that stabilized with a glucose drip. He couldn't climb that hill, he needed intervention. Then he started breathing fast (a sign of stress, I'm told). Instead of getting him and mom together immediately and then assessing him for a real stressor, they kept the one person made to reassure him and calm him down away. For days they just kept looking at him and asking, "I wonder what the deal is with this baby? He is totally healthy and can control his blood sugar, but he is stressed out over SOMETHING!?! We better keep him away from mom a little while longer." COME ON! It just kept snowballing until finally someone said, " lets get him in a different room where he can hang out with mom". So far, so freaking good! GAH! And part of me is upset with my friend because she could have been in there a lot more, she has just always been afraid to rock the boat. That whole nursery was concerned with Aiden's well-being, but no one is more concerned about his well-being than his mom. She should have a considerable amount of input. And really she does, she just didn't use it, didn't know she could, and if I even tried to make a suggestion it was shot down. So part of me feels like she facilitated some of this situation. I hate feeling like that, but I do. I'm sure the pain of not having her baby was more severe than recovering from surgery! So why didn't she get in there? Because she was afraid. Afraid that she would upset someone, that she wouldn't know what to do, that her opinion regarding her son meant less than a nurses? I don't know, she just didn't.

I figured out this week that anger is real and good. It's the emotion that is triggered when someone feels the need to protect. It can used for bad, and should only be used for protection in an appropriate way. So even though anger is good, a lot of times it is misused and hurts people. With that, I am mad at her. I am mad that she alone had the power to improve his situation and didn't. And I am mad that she didn't know that. I am mad that if she had let me make it known, she wouldn't have believed it. I am mad because Aiden needed a measure of protection and didn't get it. And for a whole week I have been mad and couldn't tell you why. And now I know, and now I can release it. I can give it to God by saying, "I hate that he wasn't protected all of the way in the best way, and I hate that I couldn't do anything to change it. Thank you for being there for him when she couldn't or wouldn't. Thank you that you are in control, that you love Aiden more than any of us combined times a million. Thank you that I don't have to carry this around anymore because I give it to you. It's yours to deal with. Thank you for being God, and thank you that I am not. Help me forgive everyone involved for not protecting him in the way I thought was best. Thank you that everyone did the best job that they knew how. Help me forgive mom and dad for not allowing me to give my opinions. It hurt me a lot that they don't think what I have to say is valid when it doesn't go along exactly with what they think is valid. It hurts me that I don't want to tell them about it because I don't feel like I can when their son is not in the best of shape. I know they are in the middle of a storm anyway, so help me to forgive them and let it go without getting to discuss it with them. Help me extend some mercy to them as it is really hard to deal with complaints and hurts when you are hurting yourself." It's hard to be angry and not to anything about it, but that is just what Im gonna do.

So as I was bitching, I mean typing this out, it looks like just one day with mom was all they needed. He should be released today. Uh huh. That's right, I'm smug as a bug right now.

But ya know what? They are doing the best they can, and if they wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. They don't want my opinion, and maybe it's my pride that is hurt more than anything, because, obviously, I think highly of my opinions. Maybe I'm hurt more than they didn't want it all versus asking for it and not liking it. Maybe it is that I have a strong opinion about this and that they wouldn't give the time of day to something I thought was really important is what is hurting me. I think its a bit of it all.

Hornet's nest? Told ya so.

At the end of the day, Aiden is healthy, and beautiful, and will go on to be just fine. Amen.

I Have an Itch

I just have an itch to write something. I dont know what. I was reading through the haggard post and noticed a million mistakes and typos. I feel just about as tired right now. Therefore, I know it is really not a good idea to be posting, but here I am anyway. Just keep in mind, for every typo you see, I have corrected 15. Promise.

My nose is runny. I mean, like a lot runny. I mean, I had to use chap stick to make my chapped nose feel better runny. That's runny. You don't even know.

It looks like husband is going to get rid of the dog. I really like this dog, and we just got her back. She escaped the back yard for a week and then magically reappeared! It was awesome. Well, the only thing keeping her from perfection is this rather terrible thing. You see, she poops. In the house. A lot. She had actually just pooped 2 hours before this last accident, and Warren and I are diligent to make sure she gets out enough. If there is an exception though, to the routine, she will not tell us. She suffers in silence and then eventually, inevitably, she craps EVERYWHERE. Because this dog doesn't just lay down a massive pile and call it a day, oh no. She walks as she shits. That means there are 15-30 golf ball sized poopies all within a certain area, sometimes the living room, sometimes the bed room, sometimes the dining room. Either way it is a bi-atch to clean. And the smell. I have had dogs my whole life and I am still diapering a child, so I'm not new to the poop smell, but this poop is wake you up out of a dead sleep stinky. It is clogs your airways stinky. It is gag inducing stinky (even when you ARENT pregnant). It is the worst stink I know of. Im not exaggerating at all, but keep in mind, Ive never smelled rotting flesh, which is supposed to top the cake. I pretty much HATE this thing she does and wish and pray she would whine or stop or SOMETHING. Alas, I cannot figure out how to get this dog to talk to me. Poor thing knows its bad. She knows. I think she hates it more than we do. Well, that can't be true...

Warren HATES this problem. We got a dog, Panzer, for 9 months, and I knew after 2 days I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. I tried for 9 months to like this dog, I really did. Eventually, she found a new home, which is my spineless way of saying I took her to the pound. So I have absolutely no ground to stand on when Warren says he wants this dog gone. And he is serious. The poop problem is just more than he can handle. I told him he had to do it though. I like this dog. I will miss this dog. I think it is tremendously irresponsible to give up a dog, however, Ive done it, so I feel like I can't blame him if he wants to do it. Also, if he insisted that we keep the dog I ousted, there would have been problems. So I can't even insist we keep her. I wont put my foot down because I am so thankful he didn't. So Im kind of stuck and I hate this for this dog.

All I know is, Im done with dogs. I love dogs and I love having pets, but we are obviously not responsible enough pet owners to actually have a dog. Maybe a cat. In several years. But my heart breaks for Panzer and now for Keiko. So, unless I am totally conviced I have my act together and have the money to vaccinate, medicate, and train another dog, I just won't do it.

I Feel GOOD! I Knew That I Would!

Yay! I finally feel pretty good. I love feeling good. I miss it when I don't feel good. Physically, not so hot, this pregnancy is being less kind than my previous one, but I know better than to complain too loudly because it can always get worse! Anyway, what I mean is that I feel good in my head. I think me and my crazy lady (counselor) are hitting on something really important for me, and I have high high hopes that this will help in some major areas I've been struggling in.

I realized the other day that I view life like a string in knots. Life was meant to be pleasant, straight forward, a beautiful process. But in this fallen world, sin gets our path tied up in knots. Also, sometimes because we are fallen, God has to put knots in our path so we can ultimately untie other, more important knots.

When you are in labor, it really does help to look at contractions as something with a purpose and to rename them. Instead of painful contractions, you can call them strong surges. The idea is that if you look at them as a good thing, as something that is ultimately helping you and your baby, you don't feel the pain the same because you don't regard the pain the same. You become more willing to work with the pain, you know each pain or surge is really working with you to bring your baby into the world, and that makes everything suck just a little less! Sometimes, a lot less!

While it is unfortunate that I was raised in such a way as to expect life to be hard and to suck (and I am dealing with the ways this has adverse affects on my life when it doesn't suck and isn't difficult), what is fortunate is that I have a perspective on hard events that I don't think other people have. A lot of the parts of myself that are good and that I really love and am glad I possess, I only have because of the struggles I've been through. There are so many WONDERFUL parts of my life, huge blessings, that I never would know or appreciate without the suffering I went through ahead of time. I should be clear and say that I am mostly talking about circumstantial suffering.

Now I am running out of time and just realizing that the whole point of this post was to talk about how good I feel. That's funny to me! Anyway, life is like a knotted string. For me. For now. :-) I don't know why, but thinking of life in that way makes me feel so much better about everything.

The Lord of Hosts

I get a daily email from this ministry, http://www.ransomedheart.com, and usually I delete them. It's sad but true. My heart is not in the best spot right now and a lot of religious stuff just hurts. Pretty much the only thing I seem to be able to put up with is how much God likes me. I know that isn't well rounded, but I figure that is an essential part of this whole thing. So with that perspective, check out the email I deigned to open today.

I was reading the prophet Jeremiah a few weeks ago when I ran across a passage that referred to God as “the Lord Almighty.” To be honest, it didn’t resonate. There’s something too religious about the phrase; it sounds churchy, sanctimonious. The Lawd Almiiiighty. It sounds like something your grandmother would say when you came into her kitchen covered in mud. I found myself curious about what the actual phrase means in Hebrew. Might we have lost something in the translation? So I turned to the front of the version I was using for an explanation. Here is what the editors said:

Because for most readers today the phrases “the Lord of hosts” and “God of hosts” have little meaning, this version renders them “the Lord Almighty” and “God Almighty.” These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, “he who is sovereign over all the ‘hosts’ (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the ‘hosts’ (armies) of Israel.”

No, they don’t. They don’t even come close. The Hebrew means “the God of angel armies,” “the God of the armies who fight for his people.” The God who is at war. Does “Lord Almighty” convey “the God who is at war”? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to anyone I’ve asked. It sounds like “the God who is up there but still in charge.” Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up his sleeves, take up sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.

(John Eldredge, Waking the Dead , 160)

I like it!

I mean, HOT DAMN, I LIKE it! I really do struggle with this image of a VERY far away Father and a VERY discreet and secret Holy Spirit, and a VERY occupied Jesus who can't possibly make time for me. But it's just not true. The Father is desperate to be with his children, Jesus is desperate to be known by his bride, and the Holy Spirit is desperate to break through the layers of our sin so that our hearts can be alive in this dark hour.

This isn't a truth I speak out of experience, but rather one I wholeheartedly believe, and one I know the Holy Spirit is working towards and that however shamefully and weakly, I am working towards as well.

And that isn't completely true. God has been faithful to me and has given me nuggets here and there that are leading me to the fullness of this truth, Im just not there yet. And I really really want to be.

He is the God of Hosts! He is coming to break down sin to get to me! His war is on sin and his prize is me! I can't wait for the day when Jesus prevails, and the war is won. The war will be ugly and hard-fought, but he will prevail.

In this struggle, I am so weak, and so prone to caving into my desires, but my eyes on are you, Jesus. I have dove's eyes for you.