Friday, April 24, 2009
Grammar
In my opinion, I have pretty decent grammar. I think it is just ridiculous to brag about being a grammar nazi because not everyone can remember all of the rules all of the time. Then, the first time you forget, someone else slams you and you are thusly ousted from your grammar thrown. I almost always remember to say "it's" when I mean "it is" and "its" when I mean possessive it. I fully comprehend all of the differences between your/you're. I cannot for the life of me figure out/remember the who/whom jig. What is the deal?
Haggard
I am TIE-errrd.
Im all in the throws of that wonderful 1st trimester, which really isn't so bad for me. I don't puke, I just kinda feel sea sick. What I do get is dog tired. Dang-dog-dilly tired. This pregnancy has been sooooooo much better as far as the fatigue area is concerned, but, I'm still dragging. Last night I was just about to rest my head on my pillow and then the midwife called. I should have said no, but it was the last birth before I get paid, so I thought, man, I need to just get this done! Plus, it's a birth, and that is always just plain ol' COOL! So I head on out around 9:30. Mom has baby at 11:15 and we scoot around 1:30. I would have liked to just crash, but I really needed a shower and knew there was NO WAY I could accomplish that in the morning. The only thing that could move me would be knowing if I didn't get the hell out of the house, I would lose my job. :-) So, I showered before I went to bed and ended up in snooze land around 2:30.
That means I got about 4.5 hours of sleep, which isn't too too bad normally, except for me it feels like 2 hours of sleep which is too too bad.
But it was a pretty cool birth to see, I think. It was the first time I've seen a mom deliver her second child, and this couple had it down. She just did her labor thang, and then pushed that kid out in 15 min. Which is fast. Afterwards, most moms and dads are in the post baby glow and just kinda linger and call people and fawn and all that, but these cats were ready to roll. She had that kiddo breastfeeding the entire time they were there, except when I had to get vitals. That is an unusual site for me since Im used to babies not getting their act together and just mouthing all over mom's nipple. I thought it was weird that the kid was overdue by a week and only 6lbs 9oz. He was a little guy! Im kind of glad she went over, imagine if she went early! Yikes stripes fruit stripes gum.
And oh my goodness, can I say how excited I am to give birth again. It is just one of my most favorite things to do. Ever. No, Im not joking.
Im all in the throws of that wonderful 1st trimester, which really isn't so bad for me. I don't puke, I just kinda feel sea sick. What I do get is dog tired. Dang-dog-dilly tired. This pregnancy has been sooooooo much better as far as the fatigue area is concerned, but, I'm still dragging. Last night I was just about to rest my head on my pillow and then the midwife called. I should have said no, but it was the last birth before I get paid, so I thought, man, I need to just get this done! Plus, it's a birth, and that is always just plain ol' COOL! So I head on out around 9:30. Mom has baby at 11:15 and we scoot around 1:30. I would have liked to just crash, but I really needed a shower and knew there was NO WAY I could accomplish that in the morning. The only thing that could move me would be knowing if I didn't get the hell out of the house, I would lose my job. :-) So, I showered before I went to bed and ended up in snooze land around 2:30.
That means I got about 4.5 hours of sleep, which isn't too too bad normally, except for me it feels like 2 hours of sleep which is too too bad.
But it was a pretty cool birth to see, I think. It was the first time I've seen a mom deliver her second child, and this couple had it down. She just did her labor thang, and then pushed that kid out in 15 min. Which is fast. Afterwards, most moms and dads are in the post baby glow and just kinda linger and call people and fawn and all that, but these cats were ready to roll. She had that kiddo breastfeeding the entire time they were there, except when I had to get vitals. That is an unusual site for me since Im used to babies not getting their act together and just mouthing all over mom's nipple. I thought it was weird that the kid was overdue by a week and only 6lbs 9oz. He was a little guy! Im kind of glad she went over, imagine if she went early! Yikes stripes fruit stripes gum.
And oh my goodness, can I say how excited I am to give birth again. It is just one of my most favorite things to do. Ever. No, Im not joking.
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Pioneer Woman
Have you seen this blog?! What fun Oh joy!!! She (Ree Drummond) is living the life I had always wanted to live but have no idea how to find. I married a man who knows less about the land than me (which means he knows nothing). I adore him, I do, but it just means my dreams of living on a lot of land and doing something farm-like with it are further away than they could have been if I had found myself a rancher. Ree found a rancher. Good for her. I think I've printed out a million of her recipes. I just have to figure out how to get this one into smaller portions. If I make that many cinnamon rolls, I will eat them all and then I will explode. But death by these things just cant be that bad. Can it? You might be thinking I could follow her suggestion and share then, but that is ludicrus. Why spread around warm cinnamon roll love when you can explode from it by hoarding them? Hm? No answer? I thought not.
Other than that, it is raining here. I keep my office dark to better see my drawings in AutoCad, and when it rains, it seems like twilight in the office. Which is just about my bed time these days. I would go get some coffee, but that is a slight no no for me being pregnant. "They" say you can have a cup a day, but I really prefer the expensive highly caffinated coffee if Im going to bother drinking it at all (which is seldom). So did they mean a shot of espresso a day or a cup of watered down office coffee a day? Because of my dilema, I usually only imbibe when the need it great. The need is not great today, so I will just enjoy the humming in my ears and it's attempt to lull me to sleep.
There are several things about this pregnancy that are different than my last. By pregnancy standards, my symptoms were and are mild, but it is strange to me to be experiencing different mild symptoms. In Matthew's first trimester I needed a minimum of 13 hours of sleep a day (Im not joking), I often times fell asleep at my desk. From 9 am to 11 am, I would have nausea that I would keep at bay with saltine crackers. Towards the end of the first trimester (weeks 1-12) I started feeling round ligament pain, which is kind of like a charlie horse cramp on the side of your stomach. It is very short and very intense. And that was it. This pregnancy, I am tired, but I just need around 9-10 hours of sleep, depending on the night. I am no where near falling asleep at my desk. I have 8-10 hour periods of sea-sickness. It is like a mild nausea, stomach rolling, blergish feeling. I can funtion in society, but I really would rather not. Matthew's 2 hour nausea sessions were a little more intense, but they ended. These are not predictable, except that once they start, I know they will go on for awhile. I have had a couple of these strange fits where I amd this close to puking, but dont. That never happened with Matthew. I puked once with him, some time in the second trimester, and that was Taco Bell's fault. So all in all similar in the intensity of the discomfort, but very dissimilar in the specific ailments. After having watched my good friend have 2 completely different pregnancies only to have 2 girls, I won't even for a second entertain that this must mean I've having a girl. I am 100% positive you just can never tell. I can't remember whether or not I've said what I want, so Ill say it here now anyway.
I think I want a girl. I've always wanted boys. I really wanted Matthew to be a boy. I was really relieved when he was. I am scared to death of having a girl. But..... I see my older friends with their daughters and I know I want that when Im older. Daughters might hate their moms when they are younger, and even though my mom and I have a not so awesome relationship, there are times when you just need your mommy. So even though I would be more than content to have 6 boys, I think I would like to take a crack at a girl. Either way, we'll see.
Speaking of birth, it is my son's second birthday, which is wonderful! I am thankful that this year went a little slower than the first. It still went by at the speed of light, but at least it was a little slower. Can I say how not excited for this year I am? I am terrified by the terrible twos. I am going to be working very hard to focus on the cute and let the terrible just go by the wayside.
Okey Dokey. Got to go.
Other than that, it is raining here. I keep my office dark to better see my drawings in AutoCad, and when it rains, it seems like twilight in the office. Which is just about my bed time these days. I would go get some coffee, but that is a slight no no for me being pregnant. "They" say you can have a cup a day, but I really prefer the expensive highly caffinated coffee if Im going to bother drinking it at all (which is seldom). So did they mean a shot of espresso a day or a cup of watered down office coffee a day? Because of my dilema, I usually only imbibe when the need it great. The need is not great today, so I will just enjoy the humming in my ears and it's attempt to lull me to sleep.
There are several things about this pregnancy that are different than my last. By pregnancy standards, my symptoms were and are mild, but it is strange to me to be experiencing different mild symptoms. In Matthew's first trimester I needed a minimum of 13 hours of sleep a day (Im not joking), I often times fell asleep at my desk. From 9 am to 11 am, I would have nausea that I would keep at bay with saltine crackers. Towards the end of the first trimester (weeks 1-12) I started feeling round ligament pain, which is kind of like a charlie horse cramp on the side of your stomach. It is very short and very intense. And that was it. This pregnancy, I am tired, but I just need around 9-10 hours of sleep, depending on the night. I am no where near falling asleep at my desk. I have 8-10 hour periods of sea-sickness. It is like a mild nausea, stomach rolling, blergish feeling. I can funtion in society, but I really would rather not. Matthew's 2 hour nausea sessions were a little more intense, but they ended. These are not predictable, except that once they start, I know they will go on for awhile. I have had a couple of these strange fits where I amd this close to puking, but dont. That never happened with Matthew. I puked once with him, some time in the second trimester, and that was Taco Bell's fault. So all in all similar in the intensity of the discomfort, but very dissimilar in the specific ailments. After having watched my good friend have 2 completely different pregnancies only to have 2 girls, I won't even for a second entertain that this must mean I've having a girl. I am 100% positive you just can never tell. I can't remember whether or not I've said what I want, so Ill say it here now anyway.
I think I want a girl. I've always wanted boys. I really wanted Matthew to be a boy. I was really relieved when he was. I am scared to death of having a girl. But..... I see my older friends with their daughters and I know I want that when Im older. Daughters might hate their moms when they are younger, and even though my mom and I have a not so awesome relationship, there are times when you just need your mommy. So even though I would be more than content to have 6 boys, I think I would like to take a crack at a girl. Either way, we'll see.
Speaking of birth, it is my son's second birthday, which is wonderful! I am thankful that this year went a little slower than the first. It still went by at the speed of light, but at least it was a little slower. Can I say how not excited for this year I am? I am terrified by the terrible twos. I am going to be working very hard to focus on the cute and let the terrible just go by the wayside.
Okey Dokey. Got to go.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I dont feel so well.
I'm very newly pregnant, and I don't feel so well. Blerg. That is onomatopoeia (which is not spelled like it sounds) for what my stomach is doing. Blerg.
Part of the physiological process of pregnancy is that the stomach and intestines move higher up in the abdominal cavity in order to make room for the expanding womb. I think that is a terrific idea, I just wish my body would only make this move when it became necessary because it is what makes me feel so blerg. Honestly, I'm not sure it is ever necessary for me. You see, I have a great deal of my height in my torso, and being 5'9" means I have quite a bit of torso. I do wish I had less width, but I digress. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't start "showing" until about 4 weeks before I popped. I wish I were joking. He just hid in there. This whole "baby in your ribs" routine? Nope. This whole "you look HUGE" crap everyone hates? I was dying for it! I never looked pregnant! Oh, believe me, I looked bigger, but not pregnant. It was glorious in that "I'm the only one in the world who wants to look pregnant! Why can't I look pregnant!!???!!!" way. So why my intestines think they should move up this early and at all is way beyond me. Mostly it just makes me want to say, "Blerg."
And I can feel everything! The top of my stomach has gotten hard, while the bottom is no where near being filled out! I don't think the top of my uterus is even over my pubic bone! They say your body gets "better" at pregnancy and nursing the more times you go through it. I just wish it could go FASTER! I'm only 7 weeks and some days and I am already miserable in my impatience! I want to see my baby! The only time I really need is that time after you find out the sex and have your shower and can set up the nursery. Now that time I need not to have a baby, but all the other times, I really want my baby!
But, I know how it goes. At week 10, I'll hear a heartbeat and maybe get a sonogram. 12 weeks in signals no more worry regarding miscarriages or midnight puke fests. At week 18, I'll get to feel the booger move inside of me. Just 2 weeks later I will get to see the booger in another sonogram, and hopefully, I will find out if I am having a boy or a girl. Then the arduous march to the finish line starts. I will get bigger. My skin will stretch. I will go see the midwife more often, my hips will spread. I will often feel like the baby is trying to kick through my stomach (but not my ribs). I will start to lose more sleep. At some point I'll have that shower and get that nursery put together. While I am really really excited about each individual component, what I am not excited about is all the waiting in between.
Just keep waiting.
No, you aren't there yet.
The good news is, in 2 weeks and 2 days I will be 25% done with this pregnancy and that much closer to my little person!
Part of the physiological process of pregnancy is that the stomach and intestines move higher up in the abdominal cavity in order to make room for the expanding womb. I think that is a terrific idea, I just wish my body would only make this move when it became necessary because it is what makes me feel so blerg. Honestly, I'm not sure it is ever necessary for me. You see, I have a great deal of my height in my torso, and being 5'9" means I have quite a bit of torso. I do wish I had less width, but I digress. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't start "showing" until about 4 weeks before I popped. I wish I were joking. He just hid in there. This whole "baby in your ribs" routine? Nope. This whole "you look HUGE" crap everyone hates? I was dying for it! I never looked pregnant! Oh, believe me, I looked bigger, but not pregnant. It was glorious in that "I'm the only one in the world who wants to look pregnant! Why can't I look pregnant!!???!!!" way. So why my intestines think they should move up this early and at all is way beyond me. Mostly it just makes me want to say, "Blerg."
And I can feel everything! The top of my stomach has gotten hard, while the bottom is no where near being filled out! I don't think the top of my uterus is even over my pubic bone! They say your body gets "better" at pregnancy and nursing the more times you go through it. I just wish it could go FASTER! I'm only 7 weeks and some days and I am already miserable in my impatience! I want to see my baby! The only time I really need is that time after you find out the sex and have your shower and can set up the nursery. Now that time I need not to have a baby, but all the other times, I really want my baby!
But, I know how it goes. At week 10, I'll hear a heartbeat and maybe get a sonogram. 12 weeks in signals no more worry regarding miscarriages or midnight puke fests. At week 18, I'll get to feel the booger move inside of me. Just 2 weeks later I will get to see the booger in another sonogram, and hopefully, I will find out if I am having a boy or a girl. Then the arduous march to the finish line starts. I will get bigger. My skin will stretch. I will go see the midwife more often, my hips will spread. I will often feel like the baby is trying to kick through my stomach (but not my ribs). I will start to lose more sleep. At some point I'll have that shower and get that nursery put together. While I am really really excited about each individual component, what I am not excited about is all the waiting in between.
Just keep waiting.
No, you aren't there yet.
The good news is, in 2 weeks and 2 days I will be 25% done with this pregnancy and that much closer to my little person!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Intense Desire
I have had this intense desire lately. I know the phrase "intense desire" is incredibly provocative, but there is nothing about this desire I have that feels so intense that is sexual.
I want a man who is at least 6'1", who has a rather large build, and who is strong, to pull me into a hug and hold me for at least 5 min, preferably 10 min. My husband can't help me because he is an inch taller than me and when we hug he likes to have his arms over my shoulders which means that I have to hunch over to snuggle with him. A hug has a hard time being satisfying when it turns you into Igor.
I don't know why I want this hug, but I just do. My brother is too skinny, and I don't think my dad would be willing. I actually have the perfect candidate in mind, but I really don't know how to ask him, "Hey, will you do something for me that my husband can't?" If that doesn't send off warning signals in his mind, then I don't know if I want him hugging me. I just want a hug.
Anyway, I guess I will have to keep going on with out it. What can I otherwise do?
I want a man who is at least 6'1", who has a rather large build, and who is strong, to pull me into a hug and hold me for at least 5 min, preferably 10 min. My husband can't help me because he is an inch taller than me and when we hug he likes to have his arms over my shoulders which means that I have to hunch over to snuggle with him. A hug has a hard time being satisfying when it turns you into Igor.
I don't know why I want this hug, but I just do. My brother is too skinny, and I don't think my dad would be willing. I actually have the perfect candidate in mind, but I really don't know how to ask him, "Hey, will you do something for me that my husband can't?" If that doesn't send off warning signals in his mind, then I don't know if I want him hugging me. I just want a hug.
Anyway, I guess I will have to keep going on with out it. What can I otherwise do?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Long Time Gone
I have not written in a while, which is a shame because there is a lot to write about.
I'm working half time now.
Warren got promoted.
I realized I don't think God likes me. But he insists he does, so there is that.
I've been working out for a month and I really am enjoying it. I dont know if I've lost any weight or inches, and I don't really care.
Warren is so precious to me.
Matthew is so sweet and just does the cutest frickin things EVER.
I am hopelessly addicted to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy.
I got a cool new cell phone.
Perez Hilton is like a train wreck I cant stop staring at (meaning I can't stop checking his sight).
I think I'm finally coming off my crush on Robert Pattinson. That is until the New Moon Machine gets going.
I'm going to my dear dear friends wedding. When I met her, she was Catholic. Now she is Orthodox Jewish. It should be fun. All I know is I can't show my shoulders. Or something.
One of my best friends had her daughter. She is magnificent (both of them). The whole experience got me into a fight with my mother.
I kinda like pulling weeds. There is something satisfying about being able to pull the whole problem straight out of the ground, roots and all, all at once. I really really really wish life worked that way. Really.
I don't think I know even one John Mayer song, but my goodness, he is adorable. And yeah, he is good looking, but I mean just as a person, I think he is frickin adorable. Check this out.
Wait a minute, I do know one song, "Daughters". That's right.
So that is about it.
I'm working half time now.
Warren got promoted.
I realized I don't think God likes me. But he insists he does, so there is that.
I've been working out for a month and I really am enjoying it. I dont know if I've lost any weight or inches, and I don't really care.
Warren is so precious to me.
Matthew is so sweet and just does the cutest frickin things EVER.
I am hopelessly addicted to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy.
I got a cool new cell phone.
Perez Hilton is like a train wreck I cant stop staring at (meaning I can't stop checking his sight).
I think I'm finally coming off my crush on Robert Pattinson. That is until the New Moon Machine gets going.
I'm going to my dear dear friends wedding. When I met her, she was Catholic. Now she is Orthodox Jewish. It should be fun. All I know is I can't show my shoulders. Or something.
One of my best friends had her daughter. She is magnificent (both of them). The whole experience got me into a fight with my mother.
I kinda like pulling weeds. There is something satisfying about being able to pull the whole problem straight out of the ground, roots and all, all at once. I really really really wish life worked that way. Really.
I don't think I know even one John Mayer song, but my goodness, he is adorable. And yeah, he is good looking, but I mean just as a person, I think he is frickin adorable. Check this out.
Wait a minute, I do know one song, "Daughters". That's right.
So that is about it.
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Year's Resolution
I had stopped making a resolution because it was always to lose weight, which I never successfully did. This year has been an interesting one as far as my weight/health goes. I have weighed more than I ever have before in my life. I've lost more than I ever have before in my life. The best part about this journey is that I am currently failing, but I am not quitting, and this is a new and good thing for me.
It is human nature to quit something when you start failing at it. Games, school, relationships, a recipe, anything. If we are bad at something, we just stop trying to succeed. That has always been my approach to weight loss (I won't use the word "dieting". A diet is a way of eating, which is only part of a weight loss journey). In Weight Watchers, I hit a plateau at 184 and quit. In Turbo Jam, walking, Julian Michaels, or any other exercise program, I was very bad at it, so I quit. I was so ashamed to be so bad at it, and I didn't have anyone telling me it was okay to be bad, that I would get better. I'm learning, there is no shame in being bad at something. The shame comes when you refuse to get better.
And it is a real shame to want to do something, but to give up because you are bad at it. Would I ever critisize a 7 y/o for being bad at baseball? Of course not! They haven't been playing for years and years. I'm not talking about being good on a professional level, I am talking about being good at something on a pleasurable level. By the time that 7 y/o is playing softball with his company's league, he isn't shabby. Especially if he stuck with it through school.
My point is, I want to lose weight, and I'm a really bad at it. Weigh Down worked wonders, but I'm bad at it. I ordered ChaLEAN Extreme, and I know I will be bad at it. This time, however, I am going to try it and see if I LIKE it, not try and see ifI am GOOD at it. I am trying to find things I enjoy. I don't like cardio, I'm finding out. I don't like frequently being in motion. I like to sometimes be in motion, but not all the time. What I also like is to feel strong. I like when I can lift something and feel my muscles engage. I've always stuck best to weight lifting. In college, I would skip the cardio part of the workout if I were going to skip anything. I just love being strong. So I thought, "I'll try lifting some weights?"
And this pressure that sits on my shoulders to be as good, to look as good just isnt there anymore. I'm not going to be a model. I'm a mother and a wife whose highest aspiration in life is to do soemthing meaningful, which will probably having nothing to do with the way I look. What is important is that I am healthy and feel capable. Why shouldn't I be able to hold my toddler and dance around? Why shouldn't I be able to sit up in bed without my arms? Why shouldn't I be able to run around or hurry somewhere without being winded? What I am bothered about is just feeling incapable.
And it is going to get so much worse. I will get bigger and older. This weight will take greater and greater tolls on my health. While I currently enjoy ridiculously good health and comfort for being 100 lbs overweight, I know I won't always. I will have back problems, I will get diabetes, I will hurt my joints, I will have heart problems, I will shave years off my life, and the remaining ones will be painful and I won't be able to make the best of them.
I've been bad at keep resolutions because I quit. I quit because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm bad. I feel bad because I am comparing my self to fitness veterens. So I quit for reasons that don't even matter. Even though I have been doing poorly with Weigh Down, I have't quit. I've kept going. I have gained a few lbs back. However, I know I will hit my stride again and I'll lose 20 more lbs. then I might get stuck, and I'll just wait it out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to force myself to do something I don't want to do. This time, however, I'm not giving up. If I am bulldozed in ever other area of this journey, fine, but I am determined to overcome quitting. Even if by struggling against the current I stay in the same exact spot, at least I'm not 50 ft down stream where I started. I've learned that lesson too many times. Get discouraged and quit, and then end up gaining more weight than before. It was better to just keep doing and be bad at it!
So that is the resolution. I'm going to find something I enjoy doing and work on getting better at it. Instead of focusing on a goal, I am going to focus on a process. It doesn't matter if I am in a size 6 if I don't have the skills and the knowledge to STAY in a size 6. Or 10 or 12 or whatever. I think this will always be my resolution. I'm sure with a thought process like this I won't always have weight problems, but there is always some problem in life to tackle. Instead of trying to just fix the problem, I need to find a way to fix the problem that makes me feel good. The problem was probably created by a process and it is truely the process that needs fixing, which can only be done by another process, so I might as well find joy in the processes that fix the processes in my life I am not enjoying.
It is human nature to quit something when you start failing at it. Games, school, relationships, a recipe, anything. If we are bad at something, we just stop trying to succeed. That has always been my approach to weight loss (I won't use the word "dieting". A diet is a way of eating, which is only part of a weight loss journey). In Weight Watchers, I hit a plateau at 184 and quit. In Turbo Jam, walking, Julian Michaels, or any other exercise program, I was very bad at it, so I quit. I was so ashamed to be so bad at it, and I didn't have anyone telling me it was okay to be bad, that I would get better. I'm learning, there is no shame in being bad at something. The shame comes when you refuse to get better.
And it is a real shame to want to do something, but to give up because you are bad at it. Would I ever critisize a 7 y/o for being bad at baseball? Of course not! They haven't been playing for years and years. I'm not talking about being good on a professional level, I am talking about being good at something on a pleasurable level. By the time that 7 y/o is playing softball with his company's league, he isn't shabby. Especially if he stuck with it through school.
My point is, I want to lose weight, and I'm a really bad at it. Weigh Down worked wonders, but I'm bad at it. I ordered ChaLEAN Extreme, and I know I will be bad at it. This time, however, I am going to try it and see if I LIKE it, not try and see ifI am GOOD at it. I am trying to find things I enjoy. I don't like cardio, I'm finding out. I don't like frequently being in motion. I like to sometimes be in motion, but not all the time. What I also like is to feel strong. I like when I can lift something and feel my muscles engage. I've always stuck best to weight lifting. In college, I would skip the cardio part of the workout if I were going to skip anything. I just love being strong. So I thought, "I'll try lifting some weights?"
And this pressure that sits on my shoulders to be as good, to look as good just isnt there anymore. I'm not going to be a model. I'm a mother and a wife whose highest aspiration in life is to do soemthing meaningful, which will probably having nothing to do with the way I look. What is important is that I am healthy and feel capable. Why shouldn't I be able to hold my toddler and dance around? Why shouldn't I be able to sit up in bed without my arms? Why shouldn't I be able to run around or hurry somewhere without being winded? What I am bothered about is just feeling incapable.
And it is going to get so much worse. I will get bigger and older. This weight will take greater and greater tolls on my health. While I currently enjoy ridiculously good health and comfort for being 100 lbs overweight, I know I won't always. I will have back problems, I will get diabetes, I will hurt my joints, I will have heart problems, I will shave years off my life, and the remaining ones will be painful and I won't be able to make the best of them.
I've been bad at keep resolutions because I quit. I quit because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm bad. I feel bad because I am comparing my self to fitness veterens. So I quit for reasons that don't even matter. Even though I have been doing poorly with Weigh Down, I have't quit. I've kept going. I have gained a few lbs back. However, I know I will hit my stride again and I'll lose 20 more lbs. then I might get stuck, and I'll just wait it out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to force myself to do something I don't want to do. This time, however, I'm not giving up. If I am bulldozed in ever other area of this journey, fine, but I am determined to overcome quitting. Even if by struggling against the current I stay in the same exact spot, at least I'm not 50 ft down stream where I started. I've learned that lesson too many times. Get discouraged and quit, and then end up gaining more weight than before. It was better to just keep doing and be bad at it!
So that is the resolution. I'm going to find something I enjoy doing and work on getting better at it. Instead of focusing on a goal, I am going to focus on a process. It doesn't matter if I am in a size 6 if I don't have the skills and the knowledge to STAY in a size 6. Or 10 or 12 or whatever. I think this will always be my resolution. I'm sure with a thought process like this I won't always have weight problems, but there is always some problem in life to tackle. Instead of trying to just fix the problem, I need to find a way to fix the problem that makes me feel good. The problem was probably created by a process and it is truely the process that needs fixing, which can only be done by another process, so I might as well find joy in the processes that fix the processes in my life I am not enjoying.
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