I've been a part of 3 pregnancies this year. Also, all 3 pregnancies have involved the 3 women I spend the most time with. How bout that? And, if you've forgotten, Im pregnant too, and highly anticipating my own birth. There is somethin' in the water.
2 of those births have been c-sections, and it was kind of weighing on me. I was starting to wonder if anyone I knew would have a vaginal birth, or if I would be the only odd duck doing things the way nature intended. That is to say, not that these ladies wanted c-sections, they didn't, and they had them for good reasons, but still, do you get what I'm trying to say here?
Anyway, Im so happy she had a good delivery. Apparently it took them a little longer than desired to get her epidural going, which is less than awesome. All things considered though, I am so glad she didn't have a c-section. AND she barely tore. Apparently they just hooked her up with one stitch, which is awesome. I'm just thrilled. Sometimes they just set women up for c-sections, and she easily could have been on of those women. I am just so happy she wasn't!
Because I just can't help by make things about me, I'm gonna have to say it. I CANT WAIT TO HAVE MY BABY!!! I don't know what the hell I am going to do with 2 children, but I guess millions of people have figured it out before me and will continue doing so after me so I should have a fair shot at this. :-) I am just so excited. If I have Sophie at the same point in pregnancy as I had Matthew, I would only have 2 weeks to go! THATS IT! But hopefully she will hold out just a wee bit longer. I wouldn't even mind if she went all the way to 40 weeks (famous last words). We shall see. There is just no way to know these things. We will check my cervix at my next appointment, so that will give us an idea, but not much else. I was a 2 at 36weeks with Matthew and had him a few days later. I know I could walk around at a 2 for weeks, but it is just an indicator. We'll see. Either way, I have majorly geared up the getting ready for baby process. I finished up her blanket this weekend, which was the last craft project to do. All I need to do now is finish up a little bit of shopping and hang up one more thing on the wall. However, that can get done at anytime. Even the shopping isn't totally imperative. It's mostly small stuff that could wait until later.
All that to say, I am ready, and I am excited. I want her fully cooked, for sure, but MAN I can't wait until I get to hold her! In the mean time, I sure am enjoying my last few weeks with Matthew all alone. He seems to know there is a big change on the horizon. He has become much more cuddly and sweet, which isn't his nature. He is more the Whirling Dervish type. A sweet Whirling Dervish, but whirling all the same. Stopping long enough to be held is uncommon for him.
Also, I have quite the list of things to wrap up at the office before I am done here. Since I won't be returning, I really need to make sure all the loose ends are tied up! So that is what I am going to start working on RIGHT NOW! Have a good Monday! I know I sure am!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Whoo-wee, Im Whooped
A friend came over today and helped me clean my house top to bottom! I feel so good! I feel so sore! My back and feet are screaming "Mercy!" and I really want a diet 7-up right now. Don't ask, I can't tell you.
Wait, yes I can. I had my glucose tolerance test done the other day, er, week. I didn't fail it, but the midwife said I had to pretend like I did anyway. Her thought was that even though I didn't pass, I only barely didn't fail. This means my pancreas still has to work a little too hard. She thought it would be a good idea to give the ole pancreas a rest and put me on a restricted diet. My calories aren't restricted, but what I can eat is. Severely. No carbs, well, no food billed as a carb. No sugar. No peas or corn. One low sugar fruit a day. So basically no fruit. It's been meat, cheese, veggies, and nuts around here lately. Lots and lots of nuts.
I have strayed into the land of sugar free items, but not too heavily. I enjoy some sugar free pudding from time to time, but otherwise, it is pretty dull. And actually, that is the problem, it is pretty rich. What I would give for a plain ole piece of bread, or a buttered potato. But nope, its some kind of cheesy, meaty thing. Or it is plain ole veggies, but you might as well put air in my stomach for all the lasting satisfaction they give me. Harumpf. It's not that bad and I have lost weight, which is saying something since I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. I'm not trying to lose weight, but let me tell you how not tempted I am to over eat now. I barely get enough food in my belly to call it a meal before I say, "Um, no thanks, I'm squicked out now."
Anyway, it's a blessing really. I was eating NOTHING but carbs and sugar before the switch, which I'm sure contributes to the difficulty of the situation. So this is like a very much needed slap in the behind. I'm just really hoping I can keep it up after the bella bambina gets here.
Wait, yes I can. I had my glucose tolerance test done the other day, er, week. I didn't fail it, but the midwife said I had to pretend like I did anyway. Her thought was that even though I didn't pass, I only barely didn't fail. This means my pancreas still has to work a little too hard. She thought it would be a good idea to give the ole pancreas a rest and put me on a restricted diet. My calories aren't restricted, but what I can eat is. Severely. No carbs, well, no food billed as a carb. No sugar. No peas or corn. One low sugar fruit a day. So basically no fruit. It's been meat, cheese, veggies, and nuts around here lately. Lots and lots of nuts.
I have strayed into the land of sugar free items, but not too heavily. I enjoy some sugar free pudding from time to time, but otherwise, it is pretty dull. And actually, that is the problem, it is pretty rich. What I would give for a plain ole piece of bread, or a buttered potato. But nope, its some kind of cheesy, meaty thing. Or it is plain ole veggies, but you might as well put air in my stomach for all the lasting satisfaction they give me. Harumpf. It's not that bad and I have lost weight, which is saying something since I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. I'm not trying to lose weight, but let me tell you how not tempted I am to over eat now. I barely get enough food in my belly to call it a meal before I say, "Um, no thanks, I'm squicked out now."
Anyway, it's a blessing really. I was eating NOTHING but carbs and sugar before the switch, which I'm sure contributes to the difficulty of the situation. So this is like a very much needed slap in the behind. I'm just really hoping I can keep it up after the bella bambina gets here.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Quick Thoughts
making ribs for the first time tonight, kinda nervous.
Matthew is the best son ever. Yes, he is better than yours. Sorry bout that.
Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible told me so. and so did the Holy Spirit. He tells me everyday, actually. Its awesome. You should ask him (he is with you now) and see what he says. I'll put $1,000,000 on "I love you, (insert your name here)".
Uh. I have to make other things for dinner, not just ribs, and I am kinda stuck... mashed taters? greens? We sure love our greens around here.
There is a baby in my belly and I am officially excited to see her come out! I've been nervous up til now, but now, I'm just plain ole ready.
I love my husband, and I am really enjoying the "up" our marriage is having right now. I love you "up"! Hopefully when we hit the next down, I'll remember that this too shall pass. Let's hope.
Hope! I've been doing that a lot lately. Learning how to hope again.
I am so mad at my dog. She got out of our yard, took her one last puppy with her, and then left him! Our one last puppy is gone. As a pregnant woman and mother, I'm livid. That puppy could be dead by now, but I will HOPE someone stopped to pick him up. He was the essence of cute, so I think that probably happened. I'm not putting up posters because I was already trying to find a home for him anyway, and if someone has him that can return him, I don't really want them to. I want them to keep him. It would give me better peace of mind, but I think I will still leave it be.
I have GOT to finish the laundry tonight, and by golly, I think I will. I really want to sweep the kitchen and vacuum the floors, too. I'm feeling rather ambitious considering I have 2 1/4 hours left til bed time to do those things, finish and eat dinner, and get my child to bed, all with a belly full of baby.
Matthew is the best son ever. Yes, he is better than yours. Sorry bout that.
Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible told me so. and so did the Holy Spirit. He tells me everyday, actually. Its awesome. You should ask him (he is with you now) and see what he says. I'll put $1,000,000 on "I love you, (insert your name here)".
Uh. I have to make other things for dinner, not just ribs, and I am kinda stuck... mashed taters? greens? We sure love our greens around here.
There is a baby in my belly and I am officially excited to see her come out! I've been nervous up til now, but now, I'm just plain ole ready.
I love my husband, and I am really enjoying the "up" our marriage is having right now. I love you "up"! Hopefully when we hit the next down, I'll remember that this too shall pass. Let's hope.
Hope! I've been doing that a lot lately. Learning how to hope again.
I am so mad at my dog. She got out of our yard, took her one last puppy with her, and then left him! Our one last puppy is gone. As a pregnant woman and mother, I'm livid. That puppy could be dead by now, but I will HOPE someone stopped to pick him up. He was the essence of cute, so I think that probably happened. I'm not putting up posters because I was already trying to find a home for him anyway, and if someone has him that can return him, I don't really want them to. I want them to keep him. It would give me better peace of mind, but I think I will still leave it be.
I have GOT to finish the laundry tonight, and by golly, I think I will. I really want to sweep the kitchen and vacuum the floors, too. I'm feeling rather ambitious considering I have 2 1/4 hours left til bed time to do those things, finish and eat dinner, and get my child to bed, all with a belly full of baby.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Puppies!
Hey! My dog had her puppies! It was SUCH a COOL experience!
I did eventually start researching about whelping puppies. The gist? Let mom take care of it and if it looks abnormal, go to a vet. Okay.... Anyway, I was really glad for my experience helping out my midwife. That made a lot of difference. My dog did a really good job. She took care of most everything. I was mostly there for labor support. When she would be to the point of passing a puppies, she would hide her big head in my armpit and move her bottom around until a puppy came out. She then went to work. After she got through the amniotic sac, I would start working on getting the puppy to breathe while she worked on the umbilical cord. We could then together take care of the mess. She ate most of it (kind of gross and also really convenient), but I was in charge of the chux pads. I got really good at aiming where I thought the puppy would ultimately come out.
She is being a great mother! She had 8 pups, 6 girls and 2 boys. They are all fat and happy. My "runt" is doing really well. I heard that sometimes a mom will kick a puppy or two out of the litter and refuse to let them nurse. A lot of times that can be your runt. I'm not concerned with her being the same size as the rest of the litter. I just want to make sure she is growing, and she is. It has been just over 2 weeks now. Their eyes are open, and I saw yesterday that their ears were starting to open. Soon they will have teeth and Mama might kick them off the boob, so the real work will begin. They are definitely getting messier and messier. In the last couple of days they have started to poop and pee on their own. Mom still cleans it up, but it's already been on the floor by that time where as she used to get it all up by licking them. Messy. Soon we will be adding puppy food to the mess! Yay! I'm starting the daily cleaning routine. I change the blanket they are using, mop the floor, and then feed and water Mom. Soon Ill be adding food and water for babies. Then Ill be adding outside time for everyone. Then Ill be adding some kind of elementery potty training. Yay! It's about to get CRAZY at my house! It will be puppies all the time!
I just really hope the people that said they wanted one still want one when it comes time to let them go home. They better! OR ELSE!
But oh my goodness, can I tell you how good it feels to snuggle with these little guys? I have to wear a t-shirt otherwise they claw my chest to bits, but they are so soft and sweet. Some are sweeter than others already, some are way more interested in trying to play bite. All are interested in having their little bellies scratched. It is fun to see their little personalities starting to emerge. It would probably be similar to a 2 month old human baby that can smile and kind of laugh.
Anyway, its cuteness to the max and it is about to become craziness to the max!
I did eventually start researching about whelping puppies. The gist? Let mom take care of it and if it looks abnormal, go to a vet. Okay.... Anyway, I was really glad for my experience helping out my midwife. That made a lot of difference. My dog did a really good job. She took care of most everything. I was mostly there for labor support. When she would be to the point of passing a puppies, she would hide her big head in my armpit and move her bottom around until a puppy came out. She then went to work. After she got through the amniotic sac, I would start working on getting the puppy to breathe while she worked on the umbilical cord. We could then together take care of the mess. She ate most of it (kind of gross and also really convenient), but I was in charge of the chux pads. I got really good at aiming where I thought the puppy would ultimately come out.
She is being a great mother! She had 8 pups, 6 girls and 2 boys. They are all fat and happy. My "runt" is doing really well. I heard that sometimes a mom will kick a puppy or two out of the litter and refuse to let them nurse. A lot of times that can be your runt. I'm not concerned with her being the same size as the rest of the litter. I just want to make sure she is growing, and she is. It has been just over 2 weeks now. Their eyes are open, and I saw yesterday that their ears were starting to open. Soon they will have teeth and Mama might kick them off the boob, so the real work will begin. They are definitely getting messier and messier. In the last couple of days they have started to poop and pee on their own. Mom still cleans it up, but it's already been on the floor by that time where as she used to get it all up by licking them. Messy. Soon we will be adding puppy food to the mess! Yay! I'm starting the daily cleaning routine. I change the blanket they are using, mop the floor, and then feed and water Mom. Soon Ill be adding food and water for babies. Then Ill be adding outside time for everyone. Then Ill be adding some kind of elementery potty training. Yay! It's about to get CRAZY at my house! It will be puppies all the time!
I just really hope the people that said they wanted one still want one when it comes time to let them go home. They better! OR ELSE!
But oh my goodness, can I tell you how good it feels to snuggle with these little guys? I have to wear a t-shirt otherwise they claw my chest to bits, but they are so soft and sweet. Some are sweeter than others already, some are way more interested in trying to play bite. All are interested in having their little bellies scratched. It is fun to see their little personalities starting to emerge. It would probably be similar to a 2 month old human baby that can smile and kind of laugh.
Anyway, its cuteness to the max and it is about to become craziness to the max!
One Lucky Beotch
My schedule right now is awesome!
I can't really tell anyone that because then I get the glare of doom. I wish everyone could work a schedule that is as awesome for them as mine is for me. Here's the scoop. I work all day Monday, all day Wednesday, and Friday morning. Here is a better way of looking at it.
Sun - off
Mon- on
Tues - off
Wed - on
Thurs - off
Fri - 1/2 on
Sat - off
So basically, my week is made of up Fridays and Saturdays. Except for Sunday. Sunday will always be Sunday. No one messes with Sunday, do they? Isn't that schedule awesome?! Even Monday, the dreaded Monday, is really like Friday because I have the next day off! I'm still getting used to it, and it will be over soon, when I deliver my lil' punkin. Still, it's awesome. I get so much more done now. Except today I will be napping, because despite my best efforts I have missed out on several hours of sleep this week. It's not a lot for a normal person, but it's turning this preggo into the walking dead.
However, this only serves to prove my point that I am one lucky beotch. Who gets to go home early on Friday and take a nap? No one. Who wants to? Everyone.
I can't really tell anyone that because then I get the glare of doom. I wish everyone could work a schedule that is as awesome for them as mine is for me. Here's the scoop. I work all day Monday, all day Wednesday, and Friday morning. Here is a better way of looking at it.
Sun - off
Mon- on
Tues - off
Wed - on
Thurs - off
Fri - 1/2 on
Sat - off
So basically, my week is made of up Fridays and Saturdays. Except for Sunday. Sunday will always be Sunday. No one messes with Sunday, do they? Isn't that schedule awesome?! Even Monday, the dreaded Monday, is really like Friday because I have the next day off! I'm still getting used to it, and it will be over soon, when I deliver my lil' punkin. Still, it's awesome. I get so much more done now. Except today I will be napping, because despite my best efforts I have missed out on several hours of sleep this week. It's not a lot for a normal person, but it's turning this preggo into the walking dead.
However, this only serves to prove my point that I am one lucky beotch. Who gets to go home early on Friday and take a nap? No one. Who wants to? Everyone.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Ya Know, Stuff
I feel good.
I straightened my hair the other day and it looked GOOD. And it was easy, and very repeatable.
I am really liking Gateway as a church. I mean really really. Can I tell you how I long for a South Campus of some sort? Jesus? Can we work on that?
Oh, and the reason I am liking Gateway, well, it takes more than I want to put in right now, but lets just say that Jesus is awesome. Not in that, "Im a preteen and I say this to fit in!" way, but in that "Oh my GOD life is really hard and I am so bad at life, but hey, there is Jesus and he really loves me, I mean a lot" way. I know when you say, "Jesus died for you", it's like an in one ear and out the other phrase. Think of when you are trying to tell someone about how much you love your kids, even if they are a parent themselves, you just know they aren't getting it, "No, you don't understand, I LOVE him!". It's like that. Jesus is AWESOME. Lets just all assume none of us are really understanding just how awesome Jesus is.
I really love my nephew. He is so beautiful. I can't wait to see what kind of person he becomes.
Itunes is a RAM sucker. It's frickin 10 pm, finish up so I can go to bed!
My son. I love saying that, "my son". Ive noticed that everyone just assumes new mothers want a girl. Even now that Im getting a girl, I kinda miss the fact that I won't have another boy around the house. I love love boys. And girls scare me. Please Jesus, let this be a cool girl. Or rather, let me be a good mom for whatever type of girl you give me.
My dog is about to give birth to puppies any day now. Seriously. I am so excited and nervous.
Like I said, I feel good.
Oh, and we have a first name for the girl. Sophia. But that is subject to change.
I straightened my hair the other day and it looked GOOD. And it was easy, and very repeatable.
I am really liking Gateway as a church. I mean really really. Can I tell you how I long for a South Campus of some sort? Jesus? Can we work on that?
Oh, and the reason I am liking Gateway, well, it takes more than I want to put in right now, but lets just say that Jesus is awesome. Not in that, "Im a preteen and I say this to fit in!" way, but in that "Oh my GOD life is really hard and I am so bad at life, but hey, there is Jesus and he really loves me, I mean a lot" way. I know when you say, "Jesus died for you", it's like an in one ear and out the other phrase. Think of when you are trying to tell someone about how much you love your kids, even if they are a parent themselves, you just know they aren't getting it, "No, you don't understand, I LOVE him!". It's like that. Jesus is AWESOME. Lets just all assume none of us are really understanding just how awesome Jesus is.
I really love my nephew. He is so beautiful. I can't wait to see what kind of person he becomes.
Itunes is a RAM sucker. It's frickin 10 pm, finish up so I can go to bed!
My son. I love saying that, "my son". Ive noticed that everyone just assumes new mothers want a girl. Even now that Im getting a girl, I kinda miss the fact that I won't have another boy around the house. I love love boys. And girls scare me. Please Jesus, let this be a cool girl. Or rather, let me be a good mom for whatever type of girl you give me.
My dog is about to give birth to puppies any day now. Seriously. I am so excited and nervous.
Like I said, I feel good.
Oh, and we have a first name for the girl. Sophia. But that is subject to change.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Mixed Bag
Today, I'm a mixed bag. This weekend was less than easy. It wasn't hard in the sense that I will remember it forever as being a hard weekend. It was just... way less than easy. I'm trying to work really hard to get ready for the impending change coming up. We are about to have a new litter of puppies (which I REALLY need to research), and I am about to have my own child a couple months after those puppies are taken care of. Warren is most likely going to let me stay home, which means that all of our disposable income is about to be sucked away. I desperately want to stay home with my kids for some time (a year?), but as far as I can tell, Warren desperately wants disposable income. I know all the women out there are thinking, "Well, being a mother comes before money, so your need is more valid". Maybe they aren't, but it's what the selfish part of me thinks. However, Warren's need to make sure his family is provided for is pretty significant. I grew up without a present mom, so it is what I want to provide. He grew up without stuff and was teased mercilessly about it, so it is what he wants to provide. Lord, please please please figure this out. Help me or Warren get over not getting what we want for a time, or better yet, is there a way we can both have what we want?
In my attempt to bribe Warren into letting me stay home, I have agreed to get a flat screen TV. We really don't have the money for this. I mean, we kinda do, if you are of the average American mindset, they we have PLENTY of money for a new TV and all the new expenses we are about to incur with a new baby. But if you are of a more responsible mindset than the average American, you know, this is less than responsible. I think there is a little war between my shoulder angel and demon, neither one really good or bad, just on opposite sides.
I really wish my dad would help out. I really wish my boss would lay me off instead of having to quit so I could draw unemployment. I really wish Warren would get promoted to Co-Manager, so money wouldn't be an issue. I really wish I were getting ALL of the things I want for this baby (clothes, cloth diapers, wrap).
Really, when it comes down to it, I really only want those things. I have everything else and the rest is just stuff. I need clothes, but cloth diapers and this particular wrap are really extra, though I really want them. I bet I could even find a swing from someone who wasn't using theirs anymore. But I don't have to have the swing. So really, not much to get in that area. Oh, and I could really use a pack and play, but that is cheap on craigslist.
I am so nervous about my dog having puppies. I have no freaking clue what to do or look for, and unfortunately, as Ive already bitched about, I don't have money to really take care of her if something goes wrong. I know, I know, but what about the TV you say? Well, I don't really have the cash for that in the first place, do I? I am not an animal hater, but neither do I give them human status, or equal as human status. I think I have a responsibility to this dog, as her owner, but I'm really not going to go much out of my way to shelter her from what nature wouldn't. If I had lots of disposable income, then I would spend it on her, but I don't. So I am trying to do the best by her without putting my family in a bad financial situation. Basically, I'm not draining savings for a dog, and I'm not going in debt for a dog. Isn't it funny how we worry about dogs not having homes, which really is only a problem because we refuse to let them hang out in nature? "I really love you puppy and everyone should love you as much as I do, but what I will not tolerate is HAVING LOOSE DOGS ON THE STREET! AGGHHH!!!" *rolling the eyes* If lose dogs on the street are so dangerous (and they really can be) then why do we take them into our homes? My random thoughts on pet ownership and how it is just a pet, not a person.
ANYWAY, I'm super excited to have some puppies and a baby girl (whom I don't know what to name), and I am kinda nervous. Having watched God provide for Shay should make me ashamed to be so nervous. How about this? I'll be a littler nervous, but I'll continue to believe that God will figure out something? In the meantime, maybe I'll figure out that he always provides.
I'm not really afraid that God wont provide, I'm afraid that my husband is going to get scared and then yank away my last chance to do the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and that is be a stay at home mom. I hate having it so close and then feeling like I'm not going to get it. And I hate that Warren is going to treat me bad and probably have a bad attitude the entire time. And I hate that I am going to have to take it, and that instead of growing up and being gracious, he is going to be a jerk. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to have to be the bigger man, like he has been so many times, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail, because I SUCK at being the bigger man.
In my attempt to bribe Warren into letting me stay home, I have agreed to get a flat screen TV. We really don't have the money for this. I mean, we kinda do, if you are of the average American mindset, they we have PLENTY of money for a new TV and all the new expenses we are about to incur with a new baby. But if you are of a more responsible mindset than the average American, you know, this is less than responsible. I think there is a little war between my shoulder angel and demon, neither one really good or bad, just on opposite sides.
I really wish my dad would help out. I really wish my boss would lay me off instead of having to quit so I could draw unemployment. I really wish Warren would get promoted to Co-Manager, so money wouldn't be an issue. I really wish I were getting ALL of the things I want for this baby (clothes, cloth diapers, wrap).
Really, when it comes down to it, I really only want those things. I have everything else and the rest is just stuff. I need clothes, but cloth diapers and this particular wrap are really extra, though I really want them. I bet I could even find a swing from someone who wasn't using theirs anymore. But I don't have to have the swing. So really, not much to get in that area. Oh, and I could really use a pack and play, but that is cheap on craigslist.
I am so nervous about my dog having puppies. I have no freaking clue what to do or look for, and unfortunately, as Ive already bitched about, I don't have money to really take care of her if something goes wrong. I know, I know, but what about the TV you say? Well, I don't really have the cash for that in the first place, do I? I am not an animal hater, but neither do I give them human status, or equal as human status. I think I have a responsibility to this dog, as her owner, but I'm really not going to go much out of my way to shelter her from what nature wouldn't. If I had lots of disposable income, then I would spend it on her, but I don't. So I am trying to do the best by her without putting my family in a bad financial situation. Basically, I'm not draining savings for a dog, and I'm not going in debt for a dog. Isn't it funny how we worry about dogs not having homes, which really is only a problem because we refuse to let them hang out in nature? "I really love you puppy and everyone should love you as much as I do, but what I will not tolerate is HAVING LOOSE DOGS ON THE STREET! AGGHHH!!!" *rolling the eyes* If lose dogs on the street are so dangerous (and they really can be) then why do we take them into our homes? My random thoughts on pet ownership and how it is just a pet, not a person.
ANYWAY, I'm super excited to have some puppies and a baby girl (whom I don't know what to name), and I am kinda nervous. Having watched God provide for Shay should make me ashamed to be so nervous. How about this? I'll be a littler nervous, but I'll continue to believe that God will figure out something? In the meantime, maybe I'll figure out that he always provides.
I'm not really afraid that God wont provide, I'm afraid that my husband is going to get scared and then yank away my last chance to do the only thing I've ever wanted to do, and that is be a stay at home mom. I hate having it so close and then feeling like I'm not going to get it. And I hate that Warren is going to treat me bad and probably have a bad attitude the entire time. And I hate that I am going to have to take it, and that instead of growing up and being gracious, he is going to be a jerk. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to have to be the bigger man, like he has been so many times, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail, because I SUCK at being the bigger man.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
My Nephew pt 2
So I knew as soon as I posted something about how I felt and made it a semi permanent part of this blog, I would be reassured, humbled, or something. Well, sho nuff, sho nuff batman, I was a little of both.
I was airing out my frustrations to my mother, which I always have to do carefully. She can pick up on a bad mood quickly and make it worse even quicker. It's the sad truth. Thanks for caring mom, but talking to you about it does not help. I dont know if it is because she is mostly right and it just hurts to hear the truth in a bad mood or if it is because she tries to explain why you shouldn't be upset in the first place, which is just about the worst thing I can think of to help someone. I think she does both. I know she means well. I do.
Well, I realized right after I got off the phone that I did the same thing to her that I think Caroline is doing to me; pushed her away. Mom was just doing her best to help me feel better, but it wasn't working and I didn't know how to be nice about it because she was actually making things worse. I'ld bet a million bucks that is what I was putting Caroline through. I was trying to make things better, but I wasn't hitting her target and I was just making it worse and worse. Unlike me though, she probably didn't know how to tell me to just shut the hell up. Not that I know how, but that I'll say it anyway.
Anyway, it makes me feel a little better, like she isn't trying to dump me as a friend. I don't think anyway. :-) And Warren helped me realize last night that if Caroline doesn't want to fight the breastfeeding battle, then she just doesn't have to. She knows she can ask me anything and she knows she has a whole host of support, so she can draw on it if she wants to. So I don't really have to worry about it. Just because I love breastfeeding doesn't mean I can make her love it. And that is okay.
But I didn't even write about that yesterday, did I? Nope, I totally left out how afraid I was that she was rejecting me as a friend, and that whole post really did not have a lot to do with how I felt (although, I still think she would have benefited from my opinion, but I guess that is part of the human plight, pride).
Anyway, they are home, and he is doing well, and if Matthew doesn't sleep the whole evening away, I might get to go visit them! Maybe I'll get to hug him this time.
I was airing out my frustrations to my mother, which I always have to do carefully. She can pick up on a bad mood quickly and make it worse even quicker. It's the sad truth. Thanks for caring mom, but talking to you about it does not help. I dont know if it is because she is mostly right and it just hurts to hear the truth in a bad mood or if it is because she tries to explain why you shouldn't be upset in the first place, which is just about the worst thing I can think of to help someone. I think she does both. I know she means well. I do.
Well, I realized right after I got off the phone that I did the same thing to her that I think Caroline is doing to me; pushed her away. Mom was just doing her best to help me feel better, but it wasn't working and I didn't know how to be nice about it because she was actually making things worse. I'ld bet a million bucks that is what I was putting Caroline through. I was trying to make things better, but I wasn't hitting her target and I was just making it worse and worse. Unlike me though, she probably didn't know how to tell me to just shut the hell up. Not that I know how, but that I'll say it anyway.
Anyway, it makes me feel a little better, like she isn't trying to dump me as a friend. I don't think anyway. :-) And Warren helped me realize last night that if Caroline doesn't want to fight the breastfeeding battle, then she just doesn't have to. She knows she can ask me anything and she knows she has a whole host of support, so she can draw on it if she wants to. So I don't really have to worry about it. Just because I love breastfeeding doesn't mean I can make her love it. And that is okay.
But I didn't even write about that yesterday, did I? Nope, I totally left out how afraid I was that she was rejecting me as a friend, and that whole post really did not have a lot to do with how I felt (although, I still think she would have benefited from my opinion, but I guess that is part of the human plight, pride).
Anyway, they are home, and he is doing well, and if Matthew doesn't sleep the whole evening away, I might get to go visit them! Maybe I'll get to hug him this time.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My Nephew
Oh, you should be warned. This might be a bit of a hornet's nest.
My sweet, adorable nephew, Aiden, was born Wed, July 1st. Isn't that a great birthday? I have this thing with dates, and that one sits very well with me. It must be fun to be the 1st! Anyway, it was a totally routine, necessary c-section (the necessary part is pretty important to me). He was *this* close to being a full 8 lbs. And like most babies of insulin dependent moms (or so I'm told) his blood sugar crashed. That's not a huge deal, except he was stuck in the nursery for a day, so Mom who was recovering from surgery couldn't see him, but Dad could. Then the little punk thought he would just start breathing too fast. Again, I don't know much about this, but apparently that is pretty worrisome. THEN, they found a heart murmur.
Shoo-wee child, cantcha give us a break? Or, cantcha catch one? Anyway, its meant 4 days all but alone in the nursery, and finally last night they were moved into a live-in situation where he could be monitored, and Mom and Dad could be with him 24/7. Let's pray that tomorrow they can go home, right?
Let me be the first to say, I hate this whole thing for Caroline and Geoff. As someone who has a little bit of experience medically in that grey area of "well, its not that bad and its not that great", I know, its HARD. Obviously, when it's great, you go on your merry way and totally take for granted how great everything is. It's just the way of things. When it's bad, you cry, you wail, you gnash teethe, and eventually come to find some acceptance in your situation, a little bit of peace in the midst of the suck. It's a far sight less awesome than great, but at least you know where you are. But when it could be either, it's just plain hard. It's like when you are waiting for the test results to your biopsy, or you wonder what the result of your MRI was only to find out it was clean for one thing, but dirty for another. It's not bad yet, but it's still not good.
You know you ought to be thankful for the parts that haven't gone bad yet, but for me that just leads to a list of all the other things that could go wrong. And how will this affect my health in the future? And truth be told, I'm going to live, I'm going to make it, but will I ever get to be normal again, like I was? It's like a roller coaster that instead of feeling good, feels bad, so you have all these ups and downs and you never really know how to feel, and you are told to just keep waiting, we'll see how it goes. Its such a feeling of powerlessness. It's humbling in that not so sweet way. You get to watch everyone else control their lung function, their fertility, their sanity, but you can't, or well, you don't know yet. All these things that everyone everyday takes for granted that they get power over, you don't for the time being. It's hard, let me tell you, real hard.
Of course, I've only had it applied to myself, not my child, so I'm sure that is a whole other ball of wax. A big, awful, rank, rude ball of wax with your baby stuck in the middle.
Here is where this post become all about me. Which I felt bad about for a second, but then remembered this blog is mine, so if you aren't reading this thing for my perspective, then I'm probably going to upset you a lot.
Allow me to admit that even though I have almost no medical training, I have a low intervention philosophy and I really really REALLY believe in the power of the mother/baby bond. I think when you keep mom and baby separated you take huge risks, so it should only be for something really bad that they should be separated. I think Dad's are a great first runner up, but they were not physically built to meet all of a babies needs, and I don't think they are emotionally or hormonally built to meet their needs like mom is. Do NOT get me wrong, I think Dad's are an indispensable part of a family unit, just that they aren't literally built to provide every single need for an infant. I totally understand that keeping mothers and babies together when things get iffy introduces a ton of variables and makes the process a lot less streamlined. But if the whole point is to keep baby healthy or get the baby to healthy, I just haven't seen a case where keeping mom out of the equation helps. Rather, I've seen and have come to understand that mom's involvement makes the world of difference.
I saw the epitome of these two thoughts this week. The nursery Aiden was in was your standard baby nursery, not the NICU, not something else, just your plain ole nursery. They, the very well qualified, nice, caring nurses, kept him in there under lock and key because he was stressed. WHY IN THE WORLD didn't anyone consider that maybe he was stressed because he missed the one person who is built to care for him? Babies and mothers have physiological responses to one another that promote health and well being. He was probably stressed more at night because mom was in her room sleeping instead of checking on him more regularly. He was probably stressed because you were poking him with IV's (totally necessary) and feeding him through a tube (also necessary). But if we know what we are doing is stressing a baby out and also necessary, then lets calm down, finish the procedure, and promptly return him to mom. Even when babies need to be highly monitored, they should do so with mom.
Then we have the live-in nursery. Totally different approach. I was still not allowed to touch him, though I could be around him. Around 8pm, the charge nurse came in and said, "Okay, time to check your vitals, so you can eat!" and of course, Aiden started crying because he was hungry and now couldn't snuggle with mom, which of course, messed up his vitals. What did the nurse do? She said, "Okay, lets calm down, mom, you come hold his hand, lets use this pacifier to calm him for the moment. He is just hungry." She knew that taking a babies vitals when they are hungry promotes the cycle of stressed baby begets more interventions which begets a more stressed baby. She had to take them, but she didn't just say, "He's stressed, lets shove this tube down his throat AGAIN." She helped him calm down, got an accurate vitals and said, "Mom, you're the best thing for him now" even when she knew mom was about to try breastfeeding for the first time (stressful). And it was stressful, but she gave it a shot (and even though he didn't latch right on, things looked really good to me. He did all the normal stuff I see new babies do with new moms. I think they'll get it if she doesn't stop trying.), then gave Aiden his bottle and he went right to sleep. No more stress. JUST LIKE A NORMAL BABY. I think if you treat sick babies like sick babies, they stay sick, but if you allow sick babies to try and be healthy babies, you get healthy. I'm not saying she should have over done it, but we all respond well to a little bit of stress, it's overstressing that is worrisome, and I think keeping mom from baby is the number one thing you can do to overstress a baby. Period. Dot.
Like I said, not a medical professional, not even close. It's just what I think. It's how I parent.
So maybe not period dot. I was just thinking how trying to eliminate all the stress is this child's life is actually contributing to making it more stressful. And I think that is why I'm so mad about it. Instead of letting him try to climb whatever hill he can, they cut him off at the pass. For instance, his blood sugar tanked, so they had to keep him in there to get that stabilized with a glucose drip. He couldn't climb that hill, he needed intervention. Then he started breathing fast (a sign of stress, I'm told). Instead of getting him and mom together immediately and then assessing him for a real stressor, they kept the one person made to reassure him and calm him down away. For days they just kept looking at him and asking, "I wonder what the deal is with this baby? He is totally healthy and can control his blood sugar, but he is stressed out over SOMETHING!?! We better keep him away from mom a little while longer." COME ON! It just kept snowballing until finally someone said, " lets get him in a different room where he can hang out with mom". So far, so freaking good! GAH! And part of me is upset with my friend because she could have been in there a lot more, she has just always been afraid to rock the boat. That whole nursery was concerned with Aiden's well-being, but no one is more concerned about his well-being than his mom. She should have a considerable amount of input. And really she does, she just didn't use it, didn't know she could, and if I even tried to make a suggestion it was shot down. So part of me feels like she facilitated some of this situation. I hate feeling like that, but I do. I'm sure the pain of not having her baby was more severe than recovering from surgery! So why didn't she get in there? Because she was afraid. Afraid that she would upset someone, that she wouldn't know what to do, that her opinion regarding her son meant less than a nurses? I don't know, she just didn't.
I figured out this week that anger is real and good. It's the emotion that is triggered when someone feels the need to protect. It can used for bad, and should only be used for protection in an appropriate way. So even though anger is good, a lot of times it is misused and hurts people. With that, I am mad at her. I am mad that she alone had the power to improve his situation and didn't. And I am mad that she didn't know that. I am mad that if she had let me make it known, she wouldn't have believed it. I am mad because Aiden needed a measure of protection and didn't get it. And for a whole week I have been mad and couldn't tell you why. And now I know, and now I can release it. I can give it to God by saying, "I hate that he wasn't protected all of the way in the best way, and I hate that I couldn't do anything to change it. Thank you for being there for him when she couldn't or wouldn't. Thank you that you are in control, that you love Aiden more than any of us combined times a million. Thank you that I don't have to carry this around anymore because I give it to you. It's yours to deal with. Thank you for being God, and thank you that I am not. Help me forgive everyone involved for not protecting him in the way I thought was best. Thank you that everyone did the best job that they knew how. Help me forgive mom and dad for not allowing me to give my opinions. It hurt me a lot that they don't think what I have to say is valid when it doesn't go along exactly with what they think is valid. It hurts me that I don't want to tell them about it because I don't feel like I can when their son is not in the best of shape. I know they are in the middle of a storm anyway, so help me to forgive them and let it go without getting to discuss it with them. Help me extend some mercy to them as it is really hard to deal with complaints and hurts when you are hurting yourself." It's hard to be angry and not to anything about it, but that is just what Im gonna do.
So as I was bitching, I mean typing this out, it looks like just one day with mom was all they needed. He should be released today. Uh huh. That's right, I'm smug as a bug right now.
But ya know what? They are doing the best they can, and if they wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. They don't want my opinion, and maybe it's my pride that is hurt more than anything, because, obviously, I think highly of my opinions. Maybe I'm hurt more than they didn't want it all versus asking for it and not liking it. Maybe it is that I have a strong opinion about this and that they wouldn't give the time of day to something I thought was really important is what is hurting me. I think its a bit of it all.
Hornet's nest? Told ya so.
At the end of the day, Aiden is healthy, and beautiful, and will go on to be just fine. Amen.
My sweet, adorable nephew, Aiden, was born Wed, July 1st. Isn't that a great birthday? I have this thing with dates, and that one sits very well with me. It must be fun to be the 1st! Anyway, it was a totally routine, necessary c-section (the necessary part is pretty important to me). He was *this* close to being a full 8 lbs. And like most babies of insulin dependent moms (or so I'm told) his blood sugar crashed. That's not a huge deal, except he was stuck in the nursery for a day, so Mom who was recovering from surgery couldn't see him, but Dad could. Then the little punk thought he would just start breathing too fast. Again, I don't know much about this, but apparently that is pretty worrisome. THEN, they found a heart murmur.
Shoo-wee child, cantcha give us a break? Or, cantcha catch one? Anyway, its meant 4 days all but alone in the nursery, and finally last night they were moved into a live-in situation where he could be monitored, and Mom and Dad could be with him 24/7. Let's pray that tomorrow they can go home, right?
Let me be the first to say, I hate this whole thing for Caroline and Geoff. As someone who has a little bit of experience medically in that grey area of "well, its not that bad and its not that great", I know, its HARD. Obviously, when it's great, you go on your merry way and totally take for granted how great everything is. It's just the way of things. When it's bad, you cry, you wail, you gnash teethe, and eventually come to find some acceptance in your situation, a little bit of peace in the midst of the suck. It's a far sight less awesome than great, but at least you know where you are. But when it could be either, it's just plain hard. It's like when you are waiting for the test results to your biopsy, or you wonder what the result of your MRI was only to find out it was clean for one thing, but dirty for another. It's not bad yet, but it's still not good.
You know you ought to be thankful for the parts that haven't gone bad yet, but for me that just leads to a list of all the other things that could go wrong. And how will this affect my health in the future? And truth be told, I'm going to live, I'm going to make it, but will I ever get to be normal again, like I was? It's like a roller coaster that instead of feeling good, feels bad, so you have all these ups and downs and you never really know how to feel, and you are told to just keep waiting, we'll see how it goes. Its such a feeling of powerlessness. It's humbling in that not so sweet way. You get to watch everyone else control their lung function, their fertility, their sanity, but you can't, or well, you don't know yet. All these things that everyone everyday takes for granted that they get power over, you don't for the time being. It's hard, let me tell you, real hard.
Of course, I've only had it applied to myself, not my child, so I'm sure that is a whole other ball of wax. A big, awful, rank, rude ball of wax with your baby stuck in the middle.
Here is where this post become all about me. Which I felt bad about for a second, but then remembered this blog is mine, so if you aren't reading this thing for my perspective, then I'm probably going to upset you a lot.
Allow me to admit that even though I have almost no medical training, I have a low intervention philosophy and I really really REALLY believe in the power of the mother/baby bond. I think when you keep mom and baby separated you take huge risks, so it should only be for something really bad that they should be separated. I think Dad's are a great first runner up, but they were not physically built to meet all of a babies needs, and I don't think they are emotionally or hormonally built to meet their needs like mom is. Do NOT get me wrong, I think Dad's are an indispensable part of a family unit, just that they aren't literally built to provide every single need for an infant. I totally understand that keeping mothers and babies together when things get iffy introduces a ton of variables and makes the process a lot less streamlined. But if the whole point is to keep baby healthy or get the baby to healthy, I just haven't seen a case where keeping mom out of the equation helps. Rather, I've seen and have come to understand that mom's involvement makes the world of difference.
I saw the epitome of these two thoughts this week. The nursery Aiden was in was your standard baby nursery, not the NICU, not something else, just your plain ole nursery. They, the very well qualified, nice, caring nurses, kept him in there under lock and key because he was stressed. WHY IN THE WORLD didn't anyone consider that maybe he was stressed because he missed the one person who is built to care for him? Babies and mothers have physiological responses to one another that promote health and well being. He was probably stressed more at night because mom was in her room sleeping instead of checking on him more regularly. He was probably stressed because you were poking him with IV's (totally necessary) and feeding him through a tube (also necessary). But if we know what we are doing is stressing a baby out and also necessary, then lets calm down, finish the procedure, and promptly return him to mom. Even when babies need to be highly monitored, they should do so with mom.
Then we have the live-in nursery. Totally different approach. I was still not allowed to touch him, though I could be around him. Around 8pm, the charge nurse came in and said, "Okay, time to check your vitals, so you can eat!" and of course, Aiden started crying because he was hungry and now couldn't snuggle with mom, which of course, messed up his vitals. What did the nurse do? She said, "Okay, lets calm down, mom, you come hold his hand, lets use this pacifier to calm him for the moment. He is just hungry." She knew that taking a babies vitals when they are hungry promotes the cycle of stressed baby begets more interventions which begets a more stressed baby. She had to take them, but she didn't just say, "He's stressed, lets shove this tube down his throat AGAIN." She helped him calm down, got an accurate vitals and said, "Mom, you're the best thing for him now" even when she knew mom was about to try breastfeeding for the first time (stressful). And it was stressful, but she gave it a shot (and even though he didn't latch right on, things looked really good to me. He did all the normal stuff I see new babies do with new moms. I think they'll get it if she doesn't stop trying.), then gave Aiden his bottle and he went right to sleep. No more stress. JUST LIKE A NORMAL BABY. I think if you treat sick babies like sick babies, they stay sick, but if you allow sick babies to try and be healthy babies, you get healthy. I'm not saying she should have over done it, but we all respond well to a little bit of stress, it's overstressing that is worrisome, and I think keeping mom from baby is the number one thing you can do to overstress a baby. Period. Dot.
Like I said, not a medical professional, not even close. It's just what I think. It's how I parent.
So maybe not period dot. I was just thinking how trying to eliminate all the stress is this child's life is actually contributing to making it more stressful. And I think that is why I'm so mad about it. Instead of letting him try to climb whatever hill he can, they cut him off at the pass. For instance, his blood sugar tanked, so they had to keep him in there to get that stabilized with a glucose drip. He couldn't climb that hill, he needed intervention. Then he started breathing fast (a sign of stress, I'm told). Instead of getting him and mom together immediately and then assessing him for a real stressor, they kept the one person made to reassure him and calm him down away. For days they just kept looking at him and asking, "I wonder what the deal is with this baby? He is totally healthy and can control his blood sugar, but he is stressed out over SOMETHING!?! We better keep him away from mom a little while longer." COME ON! It just kept snowballing until finally someone said, " lets get him in a different room where he can hang out with mom". So far, so freaking good! GAH! And part of me is upset with my friend because she could have been in there a lot more, she has just always been afraid to rock the boat. That whole nursery was concerned with Aiden's well-being, but no one is more concerned about his well-being than his mom. She should have a considerable amount of input. And really she does, she just didn't use it, didn't know she could, and if I even tried to make a suggestion it was shot down. So part of me feels like she facilitated some of this situation. I hate feeling like that, but I do. I'm sure the pain of not having her baby was more severe than recovering from surgery! So why didn't she get in there? Because she was afraid. Afraid that she would upset someone, that she wouldn't know what to do, that her opinion regarding her son meant less than a nurses? I don't know, she just didn't.
I figured out this week that anger is real and good. It's the emotion that is triggered when someone feels the need to protect. It can used for bad, and should only be used for protection in an appropriate way. So even though anger is good, a lot of times it is misused and hurts people. With that, I am mad at her. I am mad that she alone had the power to improve his situation and didn't. And I am mad that she didn't know that. I am mad that if she had let me make it known, she wouldn't have believed it. I am mad because Aiden needed a measure of protection and didn't get it. And for a whole week I have been mad and couldn't tell you why. And now I know, and now I can release it. I can give it to God by saying, "I hate that he wasn't protected all of the way in the best way, and I hate that I couldn't do anything to change it. Thank you for being there for him when she couldn't or wouldn't. Thank you that you are in control, that you love Aiden more than any of us combined times a million. Thank you that I don't have to carry this around anymore because I give it to you. It's yours to deal with. Thank you for being God, and thank you that I am not. Help me forgive everyone involved for not protecting him in the way I thought was best. Thank you that everyone did the best job that they knew how. Help me forgive mom and dad for not allowing me to give my opinions. It hurt me a lot that they don't think what I have to say is valid when it doesn't go along exactly with what they think is valid. It hurts me that I don't want to tell them about it because I don't feel like I can when their son is not in the best of shape. I know they are in the middle of a storm anyway, so help me to forgive them and let it go without getting to discuss it with them. Help me extend some mercy to them as it is really hard to deal with complaints and hurts when you are hurting yourself." It's hard to be angry and not to anything about it, but that is just what Im gonna do.
So as I was bitching, I mean typing this out, it looks like just one day with mom was all they needed. He should be released today. Uh huh. That's right, I'm smug as a bug right now.
But ya know what? They are doing the best they can, and if they wanted my opinion, they would ask for it. They don't want my opinion, and maybe it's my pride that is hurt more than anything, because, obviously, I think highly of my opinions. Maybe I'm hurt more than they didn't want it all versus asking for it and not liking it. Maybe it is that I have a strong opinion about this and that they wouldn't give the time of day to something I thought was really important is what is hurting me. I think its a bit of it all.
Hornet's nest? Told ya so.
At the end of the day, Aiden is healthy, and beautiful, and will go on to be just fine. Amen.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I Have an Itch
I just have an itch to write something. I dont know what. I was reading through the haggard post and noticed a million mistakes and typos. I feel just about as tired right now. Therefore, I know it is really not a good idea to be posting, but here I am anyway. Just keep in mind, for every typo you see, I have corrected 15. Promise.
My nose is runny. I mean, like a lot runny. I mean, I had to use chap stick to make my chapped nose feel better runny. That's runny. You don't even know.
It looks like husband is going to get rid of the dog. I really like this dog, and we just got her back. She escaped the back yard for a week and then magically reappeared! It was awesome. Well, the only thing keeping her from perfection is this rather terrible thing. You see, she poops. In the house. A lot. She had actually just pooped 2 hours before this last accident, and Warren and I are diligent to make sure she gets out enough. If there is an exception though, to the routine, she will not tell us. She suffers in silence and then eventually, inevitably, she craps EVERYWHERE. Because this dog doesn't just lay down a massive pile and call it a day, oh no. She walks as she shits. That means there are 15-30 golf ball sized poopies all within a certain area, sometimes the living room, sometimes the bed room, sometimes the dining room. Either way it is a bi-atch to clean. And the smell. I have had dogs my whole life and I am still diapering a child, so I'm not new to the poop smell, but this poop is wake you up out of a dead sleep stinky. It is clogs your airways stinky. It is gag inducing stinky (even when you ARENT pregnant). It is the worst stink I know of. Im not exaggerating at all, but keep in mind, Ive never smelled rotting flesh, which is supposed to top the cake. I pretty much HATE this thing she does and wish and pray she would whine or stop or SOMETHING. Alas, I cannot figure out how to get this dog to talk to me. Poor thing knows its bad. She knows. I think she hates it more than we do. Well, that can't be true...
Warren HATES this problem. We got a dog, Panzer, for 9 months, and I knew after 2 days I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. I tried for 9 months to like this dog, I really did. Eventually, she found a new home, which is my spineless way of saying I took her to the pound. So I have absolutely no ground to stand on when Warren says he wants this dog gone. And he is serious. The poop problem is just more than he can handle. I told him he had to do it though. I like this dog. I will miss this dog. I think it is tremendously irresponsible to give up a dog, however, Ive done it, so I feel like I can't blame him if he wants to do it. Also, if he insisted that we keep the dog I ousted, there would have been problems. So I can't even insist we keep her. I wont put my foot down because I am so thankful he didn't. So Im kind of stuck and I hate this for this dog.
All I know is, Im done with dogs. I love dogs and I love having pets, but we are obviously not responsible enough pet owners to actually have a dog. Maybe a cat. In several years. But my heart breaks for Panzer and now for Keiko. So, unless I am totally conviced I have my act together and have the money to vaccinate, medicate, and train another dog, I just won't do it.
My nose is runny. I mean, like a lot runny. I mean, I had to use chap stick to make my chapped nose feel better runny. That's runny. You don't even know.
It looks like husband is going to get rid of the dog. I really like this dog, and we just got her back. She escaped the back yard for a week and then magically reappeared! It was awesome. Well, the only thing keeping her from perfection is this rather terrible thing. You see, she poops. In the house. A lot. She had actually just pooped 2 hours before this last accident, and Warren and I are diligent to make sure she gets out enough. If there is an exception though, to the routine, she will not tell us. She suffers in silence and then eventually, inevitably, she craps EVERYWHERE. Because this dog doesn't just lay down a massive pile and call it a day, oh no. She walks as she shits. That means there are 15-30 golf ball sized poopies all within a certain area, sometimes the living room, sometimes the bed room, sometimes the dining room. Either way it is a bi-atch to clean. And the smell. I have had dogs my whole life and I am still diapering a child, so I'm not new to the poop smell, but this poop is wake you up out of a dead sleep stinky. It is clogs your airways stinky. It is gag inducing stinky (even when you ARENT pregnant). It is the worst stink I know of. Im not exaggerating at all, but keep in mind, Ive never smelled rotting flesh, which is supposed to top the cake. I pretty much HATE this thing she does and wish and pray she would whine or stop or SOMETHING. Alas, I cannot figure out how to get this dog to talk to me. Poor thing knows its bad. She knows. I think she hates it more than we do. Well, that can't be true...
Warren HATES this problem. We got a dog, Panzer, for 9 months, and I knew after 2 days I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. I tried for 9 months to like this dog, I really did. Eventually, she found a new home, which is my spineless way of saying I took her to the pound. So I have absolutely no ground to stand on when Warren says he wants this dog gone. And he is serious. The poop problem is just more than he can handle. I told him he had to do it though. I like this dog. I will miss this dog. I think it is tremendously irresponsible to give up a dog, however, Ive done it, so I feel like I can't blame him if he wants to do it. Also, if he insisted that we keep the dog I ousted, there would have been problems. So I can't even insist we keep her. I wont put my foot down because I am so thankful he didn't. So Im kind of stuck and I hate this for this dog.
All I know is, Im done with dogs. I love dogs and I love having pets, but we are obviously not responsible enough pet owners to actually have a dog. Maybe a cat. In several years. But my heart breaks for Panzer and now for Keiko. So, unless I am totally conviced I have my act together and have the money to vaccinate, medicate, and train another dog, I just won't do it.
I Feel GOOD! I Knew That I Would!
Yay! I finally feel pretty good. I love feeling good. I miss it when I don't feel good. Physically, not so hot, this pregnancy is being less kind than my previous one, but I know better than to complain too loudly because it can always get worse! Anyway, what I mean is that I feel good in my head. I think me and my crazy lady (counselor) are hitting on something really important for me, and I have high high hopes that this will help in some major areas I've been struggling in.
I realized the other day that I view life like a string in knots. Life was meant to be pleasant, straight forward, a beautiful process. But in this fallen world, sin gets our path tied up in knots. Also, sometimes because we are fallen, God has to put knots in our path so we can ultimately untie other, more important knots.
When you are in labor, it really does help to look at contractions as something with a purpose and to rename them. Instead of painful contractions, you can call them strong surges. The idea is that if you look at them as a good thing, as something that is ultimately helping you and your baby, you don't feel the pain the same because you don't regard the pain the same. You become more willing to work with the pain, you know each pain or surge is really working with you to bring your baby into the world, and that makes everything suck just a little less! Sometimes, a lot less!
While it is unfortunate that I was raised in such a way as to expect life to be hard and to suck (and I am dealing with the ways this has adverse affects on my life when it doesn't suck and isn't difficult), what is fortunate is that I have a perspective on hard events that I don't think other people have. A lot of the parts of myself that are good and that I really love and am glad I possess, I only have because of the struggles I've been through. There are so many WONDERFUL parts of my life, huge blessings, that I never would know or appreciate without the suffering I went through ahead of time. I should be clear and say that I am mostly talking about circumstantial suffering.
Now I am running out of time and just realizing that the whole point of this post was to talk about how good I feel. That's funny to me! Anyway, life is like a knotted string. For me. For now. :-) I don't know why, but thinking of life in that way makes me feel so much better about everything.
I realized the other day that I view life like a string in knots. Life was meant to be pleasant, straight forward, a beautiful process. But in this fallen world, sin gets our path tied up in knots. Also, sometimes because we are fallen, God has to put knots in our path so we can ultimately untie other, more important knots.
When you are in labor, it really does help to look at contractions as something with a purpose and to rename them. Instead of painful contractions, you can call them strong surges. The idea is that if you look at them as a good thing, as something that is ultimately helping you and your baby, you don't feel the pain the same because you don't regard the pain the same. You become more willing to work with the pain, you know each pain or surge is really working with you to bring your baby into the world, and that makes everything suck just a little less! Sometimes, a lot less!
While it is unfortunate that I was raised in such a way as to expect life to be hard and to suck (and I am dealing with the ways this has adverse affects on my life when it doesn't suck and isn't difficult), what is fortunate is that I have a perspective on hard events that I don't think other people have. A lot of the parts of myself that are good and that I really love and am glad I possess, I only have because of the struggles I've been through. There are so many WONDERFUL parts of my life, huge blessings, that I never would know or appreciate without the suffering I went through ahead of time. I should be clear and say that I am mostly talking about circumstantial suffering.
Now I am running out of time and just realizing that the whole point of this post was to talk about how good I feel. That's funny to me! Anyway, life is like a knotted string. For me. For now. :-) I don't know why, but thinking of life in that way makes me feel so much better about everything.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The Lord of Hosts
I get a daily email from this ministry, http://www.ransomedheart.com, and usually I delete them. It's sad but true. My heart is not in the best spot right now and a lot of religious stuff just hurts. Pretty much the only thing I seem to be able to put up with is how much God likes me. I know that isn't well rounded, but I figure that is an essential part of this whole thing. So with that perspective, check out the email I deigned to open today.
I was reading the prophet Jeremiah a few weeks ago when I ran across a passage that referred to God as “the Lord Almighty.” To be honest, it didn’t resonate. There’s something too religious about the phrase; it sounds churchy, sanctimonious. The Lawd Almiiiighty. It sounds like something your grandmother would say when you came into her kitchen covered in mud. I found myself curious about what the actual phrase means in Hebrew. Might we have lost something in the translation? So I turned to the front of the version I was using for an explanation. Here is what the editors said:
Because for most readers today the phrases “the Lord of hosts” and “God of hosts” have little meaning, this version renders them “the Lord Almighty” and “God Almighty.” These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, “he who is sovereign over all the ‘hosts’ (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the ‘hosts’ (armies) of Israel.”
No, they don’t. They don’t even come close. The Hebrew means “the God of angel armies,” “the God of the armies who fight for his people.” The God who is at war. Does “Lord Almighty” convey “the God who is at war”? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to anyone I’ve asked. It sounds like “the God who is up there but still in charge.” Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up his sleeves, take up sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.
(John Eldredge, Waking the Dead , 160)
Because for most readers today the phrases “the Lord of hosts” and “God of hosts” have little meaning, this version renders them “the Lord Almighty” and “God Almighty.” These renderings convey the sense of the Hebrew, namely, “he who is sovereign over all the ‘hosts’ (powers) in heaven and on earth, especially over the ‘hosts’ (armies) of Israel.”
No, they don’t. They don’t even come close. The Hebrew means “the God of angel armies,” “the God of the armies who fight for his people.” The God who is at war. Does “Lord Almighty” convey “the God who is at war”? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to anyone I’ve asked. It sounds like “the God who is up there but still in charge.” Powerful, in control. The God of angel armies sounds like the one who would roll up his sleeves, take up sword and shield to break down gates of bronze, and cut through bars of iron to rescue me.
(John Eldredge, Waking the Dead , 160)
I like it!
I mean, HOT DAMN, I LIKE it! I really do struggle with this image of a VERY far away Father and a VERY discreet and secret Holy Spirit, and a VERY occupied Jesus who can't possibly make time for me. But it's just not true. The Father is desperate to be with his children, Jesus is desperate to be known by his bride, and the Holy Spirit is desperate to break through the layers of our sin so that our hearts can be alive in this dark hour.
This isn't a truth I speak out of experience, but rather one I wholeheartedly believe, and one I know the Holy Spirit is working towards and that however shamefully and weakly, I am working towards as well.
And that isn't completely true. God has been faithful to me and has given me nuggets here and there that are leading me to the fullness of this truth, Im just not there yet. And I really really want to be.
He is the God of Hosts! He is coming to break down sin to get to me! His war is on sin and his prize is me! I can't wait for the day when Jesus prevails, and the war is won. The war will be ugly and hard-fought, but he will prevail.
In this struggle, I am so weak, and so prone to caving into my desires, but my eyes on are you, Jesus. I have dove's eyes for you.
I mean, HOT DAMN, I LIKE it! I really do struggle with this image of a VERY far away Father and a VERY discreet and secret Holy Spirit, and a VERY occupied Jesus who can't possibly make time for me. But it's just not true. The Father is desperate to be with his children, Jesus is desperate to be known by his bride, and the Holy Spirit is desperate to break through the layers of our sin so that our hearts can be alive in this dark hour.
This isn't a truth I speak out of experience, but rather one I wholeheartedly believe, and one I know the Holy Spirit is working towards and that however shamefully and weakly, I am working towards as well.
And that isn't completely true. God has been faithful to me and has given me nuggets here and there that are leading me to the fullness of this truth, Im just not there yet. And I really really want to be.
He is the God of Hosts! He is coming to break down sin to get to me! His war is on sin and his prize is me! I can't wait for the day when Jesus prevails, and the war is won. The war will be ugly and hard-fought, but he will prevail.
In this struggle, I am so weak, and so prone to caving into my desires, but my eyes on are you, Jesus. I have dove's eyes for you.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Perspective
"...Off I go to prophetic evangelism. So excited...God showed out last week. Lord, grant us souls!!! Lord, grant us disciples!!!"
This is a status update from one of my friends on facebook. Well, she isn't a friend. I don't know her even a little bit. I've met her once and seen her face all of two times. Maybe that is what allows me to be so critical, but who am I kidding? I'm always critical. Anyway, I have an opinion on her status update."Lord, grant us souls!" Is he keeping them from you? Does he have a locker of souls, from which he can pluck a few out when you are feeling brave and bolstered and like a good christian? Is he the one that that is doing you the favor by letting you lead someone to Christ? Maybe what you are trying to say is, "Lord, lead us to souls that are ripe for harvesting! I want to speak about you and I want the people I speak to, to be impacted by your truth!" "Show me who you have already been working on and please let me help in your work to pluck these people out of hell!"
I dont know. Maybe I think too much like a lost person and it is what keeps me from telling people the truth of Jesus. "Lord, grant us disciples"? sounds like a cult to me. Almighty power of the universe, wont you give us more people for our cause, I mean YOUR cause, so that we can look legitamate and like we really have the answer! Because we do! All your answers to life's problems right here. Just sign right here, sacrifice 8 hours of your life per week, and you are on your way to eternal GLORY! You have a job? Kids? A HOBBY! Jesus isn't your hobby? Don't you know this is more important than your job?! This is your eternity we are talking about here!!
If I read this entry and felt the need to comment, I would say, "Bitter much?"
Anyway, Im pissed about a great many other things. Pissed, and down, and sad, and totally missing all that makes my life so wonderful, and am therefore mad some more. :-) Have a great day, okay? For me?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My Heart Today
I am unsatisfied with the condition of my marriage. I want out, but in this area I am fighting with everything I have NOT to do what I want. I am nervous about kid no. 2. Im a little frustrated with my hair. Im a little more frustrated with my father and his inability to stay close to me. I feel almost totally alone right now. I have no access to almost every single one of my friends. I am actually afraid, yes scared, to start potty training. It is the last piece of my baby I just do not want to let go. I am shocked that I feel this way. Because Im pregnant, I don't ever trust how I really feel about anything. I am so far from the Lord. Every other thought I have is adulterous. And I want to think those thoughts even though I hate myself for thinking those thoughts. This makes it hard to have a sincere conversation with Jesus.
Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.
I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.
I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.
Most of all, I am hopeful. I am actually surprised at the amount of hope I have. And not a desperate hope, but an assured hope. There is a peace that instead of holding on by a string which is how it feels when Im so far away from the Lord, I have a peace that he is right there dancing with me and his firm hand is around my waist. Even though I want to break hold, he is holding me. I know he wont stop me if I do break hold, but I know now that just my bad desires, the desires I hate, they don't scare him. He loves dancing with me, and his hold is confident and secure. I am secure in his hold and confident that he will never let go, and this is a truth I am not used to accepting.
I have lived so long with the truth that God, any second now, was going to not just break hold, but literally cast me aside. It was only out of his interest to appear good that he held onto me at all, but that is patience was little, and my sin was soon becoming too great. But that is wrong. His patience is awesome, his love is awesome, and his hold is awesome.
I know in this battle of my will vs his will, in my mind, my will is winning. I know this is bad. However, I think I believe that the whole reason this is happening is so that I can see; his hold is strong.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I can't get no.. satisfaction
I AM going to learn how to be satisfied DAMMIT!
Does that mean I have to start off by being satisfied with with my dissatisfaction?
It's shit like that takes up all the room in my head and kicks out birthdays, plans, dinners, and whatever it is you told me yesterday that was really important that I not forget.
Does that mean I have to start off by being satisfied with with my dissatisfaction?
It's shit like that takes up all the room in my head and kicks out birthdays, plans, dinners, and whatever it is you told me yesterday that was really important that I not forget.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Inheritance
I think I have inherited self pity. I think I am racked by self pity. I am so in love with myself that when anything is below my very high expectations of how I think life should go, I am just so sad. Or mad.
Anyway, I really don't want to be writing, I want to be in the blue chair spending time with Jesus. However, I just hate sitting there feeling like this is one big cosmic joke that I am the butt of. "Hey, look at Beth try and "commune" with Jesus. Doesn't she know that all she will ever get is silence?" They say you can't really do it wrong, but if I'm not doing something wrong, then I guess Jesus doesn't want to meet with me? I don't know. Self pity. This whole time with Jesus thing doesn't look like I want it to so I am confused and angry and depressed and letting myself believe that God doesn't love me and doesn't want to spend time with me. I would really like my head not to be clouded for at least 15 min so I could figure out where it is I am supposed to be going. *sigh* self pity.
Anyway, I really don't want to be writing, I want to be in the blue chair spending time with Jesus. However, I just hate sitting there feeling like this is one big cosmic joke that I am the butt of. "Hey, look at Beth try and "commune" with Jesus. Doesn't she know that all she will ever get is silence?" They say you can't really do it wrong, but if I'm not doing something wrong, then I guess Jesus doesn't want to meet with me? I don't know. Self pity. This whole time with Jesus thing doesn't look like I want it to so I am confused and angry and depressed and letting myself believe that God doesn't love me and doesn't want to spend time with me. I would really like my head not to be clouded for at least 15 min so I could figure out where it is I am supposed to be going. *sigh* self pity.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Grammar
In my opinion, I have pretty decent grammar. I think it is just ridiculous to brag about being a grammar nazi because not everyone can remember all of the rules all of the time. Then, the first time you forget, someone else slams you and you are thusly ousted from your grammar thrown. I almost always remember to say "it's" when I mean "it is" and "its" when I mean possessive it. I fully comprehend all of the differences between your/you're. I cannot for the life of me figure out/remember the who/whom jig. What is the deal?
Haggard
I am TIE-errrd.
Im all in the throws of that wonderful 1st trimester, which really isn't so bad for me. I don't puke, I just kinda feel sea sick. What I do get is dog tired. Dang-dog-dilly tired. This pregnancy has been sooooooo much better as far as the fatigue area is concerned, but, I'm still dragging. Last night I was just about to rest my head on my pillow and then the midwife called. I should have said no, but it was the last birth before I get paid, so I thought, man, I need to just get this done! Plus, it's a birth, and that is always just plain ol' COOL! So I head on out around 9:30. Mom has baby at 11:15 and we scoot around 1:30. I would have liked to just crash, but I really needed a shower and knew there was NO WAY I could accomplish that in the morning. The only thing that could move me would be knowing if I didn't get the hell out of the house, I would lose my job. :-) So, I showered before I went to bed and ended up in snooze land around 2:30.
That means I got about 4.5 hours of sleep, which isn't too too bad normally, except for me it feels like 2 hours of sleep which is too too bad.
But it was a pretty cool birth to see, I think. It was the first time I've seen a mom deliver her second child, and this couple had it down. She just did her labor thang, and then pushed that kid out in 15 min. Which is fast. Afterwards, most moms and dads are in the post baby glow and just kinda linger and call people and fawn and all that, but these cats were ready to roll. She had that kiddo breastfeeding the entire time they were there, except when I had to get vitals. That is an unusual site for me since Im used to babies not getting their act together and just mouthing all over mom's nipple. I thought it was weird that the kid was overdue by a week and only 6lbs 9oz. He was a little guy! Im kind of glad she went over, imagine if she went early! Yikes stripes fruit stripes gum.
And oh my goodness, can I say how excited I am to give birth again. It is just one of my most favorite things to do. Ever. No, Im not joking.
Im all in the throws of that wonderful 1st trimester, which really isn't so bad for me. I don't puke, I just kinda feel sea sick. What I do get is dog tired. Dang-dog-dilly tired. This pregnancy has been sooooooo much better as far as the fatigue area is concerned, but, I'm still dragging. Last night I was just about to rest my head on my pillow and then the midwife called. I should have said no, but it was the last birth before I get paid, so I thought, man, I need to just get this done! Plus, it's a birth, and that is always just plain ol' COOL! So I head on out around 9:30. Mom has baby at 11:15 and we scoot around 1:30. I would have liked to just crash, but I really needed a shower and knew there was NO WAY I could accomplish that in the morning. The only thing that could move me would be knowing if I didn't get the hell out of the house, I would lose my job. :-) So, I showered before I went to bed and ended up in snooze land around 2:30.
That means I got about 4.5 hours of sleep, which isn't too too bad normally, except for me it feels like 2 hours of sleep which is too too bad.
But it was a pretty cool birth to see, I think. It was the first time I've seen a mom deliver her second child, and this couple had it down. She just did her labor thang, and then pushed that kid out in 15 min. Which is fast. Afterwards, most moms and dads are in the post baby glow and just kinda linger and call people and fawn and all that, but these cats were ready to roll. She had that kiddo breastfeeding the entire time they were there, except when I had to get vitals. That is an unusual site for me since Im used to babies not getting their act together and just mouthing all over mom's nipple. I thought it was weird that the kid was overdue by a week and only 6lbs 9oz. He was a little guy! Im kind of glad she went over, imagine if she went early! Yikes stripes fruit stripes gum.
And oh my goodness, can I say how excited I am to give birth again. It is just one of my most favorite things to do. Ever. No, Im not joking.
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Pioneer Woman
Have you seen this blog?! What fun Oh joy!!! She (Ree Drummond) is living the life I had always wanted to live but have no idea how to find. I married a man who knows less about the land than me (which means he knows nothing). I adore him, I do, but it just means my dreams of living on a lot of land and doing something farm-like with it are further away than they could have been if I had found myself a rancher. Ree found a rancher. Good for her. I think I've printed out a million of her recipes. I just have to figure out how to get this one into smaller portions. If I make that many cinnamon rolls, I will eat them all and then I will explode. But death by these things just cant be that bad. Can it? You might be thinking I could follow her suggestion and share then, but that is ludicrus. Why spread around warm cinnamon roll love when you can explode from it by hoarding them? Hm? No answer? I thought not.
Other than that, it is raining here. I keep my office dark to better see my drawings in AutoCad, and when it rains, it seems like twilight in the office. Which is just about my bed time these days. I would go get some coffee, but that is a slight no no for me being pregnant. "They" say you can have a cup a day, but I really prefer the expensive highly caffinated coffee if Im going to bother drinking it at all (which is seldom). So did they mean a shot of espresso a day or a cup of watered down office coffee a day? Because of my dilema, I usually only imbibe when the need it great. The need is not great today, so I will just enjoy the humming in my ears and it's attempt to lull me to sleep.
There are several things about this pregnancy that are different than my last. By pregnancy standards, my symptoms were and are mild, but it is strange to me to be experiencing different mild symptoms. In Matthew's first trimester I needed a minimum of 13 hours of sleep a day (Im not joking), I often times fell asleep at my desk. From 9 am to 11 am, I would have nausea that I would keep at bay with saltine crackers. Towards the end of the first trimester (weeks 1-12) I started feeling round ligament pain, which is kind of like a charlie horse cramp on the side of your stomach. It is very short and very intense. And that was it. This pregnancy, I am tired, but I just need around 9-10 hours of sleep, depending on the night. I am no where near falling asleep at my desk. I have 8-10 hour periods of sea-sickness. It is like a mild nausea, stomach rolling, blergish feeling. I can funtion in society, but I really would rather not. Matthew's 2 hour nausea sessions were a little more intense, but they ended. These are not predictable, except that once they start, I know they will go on for awhile. I have had a couple of these strange fits where I amd this close to puking, but dont. That never happened with Matthew. I puked once with him, some time in the second trimester, and that was Taco Bell's fault. So all in all similar in the intensity of the discomfort, but very dissimilar in the specific ailments. After having watched my good friend have 2 completely different pregnancies only to have 2 girls, I won't even for a second entertain that this must mean I've having a girl. I am 100% positive you just can never tell. I can't remember whether or not I've said what I want, so Ill say it here now anyway.
I think I want a girl. I've always wanted boys. I really wanted Matthew to be a boy. I was really relieved when he was. I am scared to death of having a girl. But..... I see my older friends with their daughters and I know I want that when Im older. Daughters might hate their moms when they are younger, and even though my mom and I have a not so awesome relationship, there are times when you just need your mommy. So even though I would be more than content to have 6 boys, I think I would like to take a crack at a girl. Either way, we'll see.
Speaking of birth, it is my son's second birthday, which is wonderful! I am thankful that this year went a little slower than the first. It still went by at the speed of light, but at least it was a little slower. Can I say how not excited for this year I am? I am terrified by the terrible twos. I am going to be working very hard to focus on the cute and let the terrible just go by the wayside.
Okey Dokey. Got to go.
Other than that, it is raining here. I keep my office dark to better see my drawings in AutoCad, and when it rains, it seems like twilight in the office. Which is just about my bed time these days. I would go get some coffee, but that is a slight no no for me being pregnant. "They" say you can have a cup a day, but I really prefer the expensive highly caffinated coffee if Im going to bother drinking it at all (which is seldom). So did they mean a shot of espresso a day or a cup of watered down office coffee a day? Because of my dilema, I usually only imbibe when the need it great. The need is not great today, so I will just enjoy the humming in my ears and it's attempt to lull me to sleep.
There are several things about this pregnancy that are different than my last. By pregnancy standards, my symptoms were and are mild, but it is strange to me to be experiencing different mild symptoms. In Matthew's first trimester I needed a minimum of 13 hours of sleep a day (Im not joking), I often times fell asleep at my desk. From 9 am to 11 am, I would have nausea that I would keep at bay with saltine crackers. Towards the end of the first trimester (weeks 1-12) I started feeling round ligament pain, which is kind of like a charlie horse cramp on the side of your stomach. It is very short and very intense. And that was it. This pregnancy, I am tired, but I just need around 9-10 hours of sleep, depending on the night. I am no where near falling asleep at my desk. I have 8-10 hour periods of sea-sickness. It is like a mild nausea, stomach rolling, blergish feeling. I can funtion in society, but I really would rather not. Matthew's 2 hour nausea sessions were a little more intense, but they ended. These are not predictable, except that once they start, I know they will go on for awhile. I have had a couple of these strange fits where I amd this close to puking, but dont. That never happened with Matthew. I puked once with him, some time in the second trimester, and that was Taco Bell's fault. So all in all similar in the intensity of the discomfort, but very dissimilar in the specific ailments. After having watched my good friend have 2 completely different pregnancies only to have 2 girls, I won't even for a second entertain that this must mean I've having a girl. I am 100% positive you just can never tell. I can't remember whether or not I've said what I want, so Ill say it here now anyway.
I think I want a girl. I've always wanted boys. I really wanted Matthew to be a boy. I was really relieved when he was. I am scared to death of having a girl. But..... I see my older friends with their daughters and I know I want that when Im older. Daughters might hate their moms when they are younger, and even though my mom and I have a not so awesome relationship, there are times when you just need your mommy. So even though I would be more than content to have 6 boys, I think I would like to take a crack at a girl. Either way, we'll see.
Speaking of birth, it is my son's second birthday, which is wonderful! I am thankful that this year went a little slower than the first. It still went by at the speed of light, but at least it was a little slower. Can I say how not excited for this year I am? I am terrified by the terrible twos. I am going to be working very hard to focus on the cute and let the terrible just go by the wayside.
Okey Dokey. Got to go.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I dont feel so well.
I'm very newly pregnant, and I don't feel so well. Blerg. That is onomatopoeia (which is not spelled like it sounds) for what my stomach is doing. Blerg.
Part of the physiological process of pregnancy is that the stomach and intestines move higher up in the abdominal cavity in order to make room for the expanding womb. I think that is a terrific idea, I just wish my body would only make this move when it became necessary because it is what makes me feel so blerg. Honestly, I'm not sure it is ever necessary for me. You see, I have a great deal of my height in my torso, and being 5'9" means I have quite a bit of torso. I do wish I had less width, but I digress. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't start "showing" until about 4 weeks before I popped. I wish I were joking. He just hid in there. This whole "baby in your ribs" routine? Nope. This whole "you look HUGE" crap everyone hates? I was dying for it! I never looked pregnant! Oh, believe me, I looked bigger, but not pregnant. It was glorious in that "I'm the only one in the world who wants to look pregnant! Why can't I look pregnant!!???!!!" way. So why my intestines think they should move up this early and at all is way beyond me. Mostly it just makes me want to say, "Blerg."
And I can feel everything! The top of my stomach has gotten hard, while the bottom is no where near being filled out! I don't think the top of my uterus is even over my pubic bone! They say your body gets "better" at pregnancy and nursing the more times you go through it. I just wish it could go FASTER! I'm only 7 weeks and some days and I am already miserable in my impatience! I want to see my baby! The only time I really need is that time after you find out the sex and have your shower and can set up the nursery. Now that time I need not to have a baby, but all the other times, I really want my baby!
But, I know how it goes. At week 10, I'll hear a heartbeat and maybe get a sonogram. 12 weeks in signals no more worry regarding miscarriages or midnight puke fests. At week 18, I'll get to feel the booger move inside of me. Just 2 weeks later I will get to see the booger in another sonogram, and hopefully, I will find out if I am having a boy or a girl. Then the arduous march to the finish line starts. I will get bigger. My skin will stretch. I will go see the midwife more often, my hips will spread. I will often feel like the baby is trying to kick through my stomach (but not my ribs). I will start to lose more sleep. At some point I'll have that shower and get that nursery put together. While I am really really excited about each individual component, what I am not excited about is all the waiting in between.
Just keep waiting.
No, you aren't there yet.
The good news is, in 2 weeks and 2 days I will be 25% done with this pregnancy and that much closer to my little person!
Part of the physiological process of pregnancy is that the stomach and intestines move higher up in the abdominal cavity in order to make room for the expanding womb. I think that is a terrific idea, I just wish my body would only make this move when it became necessary because it is what makes me feel so blerg. Honestly, I'm not sure it is ever necessary for me. You see, I have a great deal of my height in my torso, and being 5'9" means I have quite a bit of torso. I do wish I had less width, but I digress. When I was pregnant with my son, I didn't start "showing" until about 4 weeks before I popped. I wish I were joking. He just hid in there. This whole "baby in your ribs" routine? Nope. This whole "you look HUGE" crap everyone hates? I was dying for it! I never looked pregnant! Oh, believe me, I looked bigger, but not pregnant. It was glorious in that "I'm the only one in the world who wants to look pregnant! Why can't I look pregnant!!???!!!" way. So why my intestines think they should move up this early and at all is way beyond me. Mostly it just makes me want to say, "Blerg."
And I can feel everything! The top of my stomach has gotten hard, while the bottom is no where near being filled out! I don't think the top of my uterus is even over my pubic bone! They say your body gets "better" at pregnancy and nursing the more times you go through it. I just wish it could go FASTER! I'm only 7 weeks and some days and I am already miserable in my impatience! I want to see my baby! The only time I really need is that time after you find out the sex and have your shower and can set up the nursery. Now that time I need not to have a baby, but all the other times, I really want my baby!
But, I know how it goes. At week 10, I'll hear a heartbeat and maybe get a sonogram. 12 weeks in signals no more worry regarding miscarriages or midnight puke fests. At week 18, I'll get to feel the booger move inside of me. Just 2 weeks later I will get to see the booger in another sonogram, and hopefully, I will find out if I am having a boy or a girl. Then the arduous march to the finish line starts. I will get bigger. My skin will stretch. I will go see the midwife more often, my hips will spread. I will often feel like the baby is trying to kick through my stomach (but not my ribs). I will start to lose more sleep. At some point I'll have that shower and get that nursery put together. While I am really really excited about each individual component, what I am not excited about is all the waiting in between.
Just keep waiting.
No, you aren't there yet.
The good news is, in 2 weeks and 2 days I will be 25% done with this pregnancy and that much closer to my little person!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Intense Desire
I have had this intense desire lately. I know the phrase "intense desire" is incredibly provocative, but there is nothing about this desire I have that feels so intense that is sexual.
I want a man who is at least 6'1", who has a rather large build, and who is strong, to pull me into a hug and hold me for at least 5 min, preferably 10 min. My husband can't help me because he is an inch taller than me and when we hug he likes to have his arms over my shoulders which means that I have to hunch over to snuggle with him. A hug has a hard time being satisfying when it turns you into Igor.
I don't know why I want this hug, but I just do. My brother is too skinny, and I don't think my dad would be willing. I actually have the perfect candidate in mind, but I really don't know how to ask him, "Hey, will you do something for me that my husband can't?" If that doesn't send off warning signals in his mind, then I don't know if I want him hugging me. I just want a hug.
Anyway, I guess I will have to keep going on with out it. What can I otherwise do?
I want a man who is at least 6'1", who has a rather large build, and who is strong, to pull me into a hug and hold me for at least 5 min, preferably 10 min. My husband can't help me because he is an inch taller than me and when we hug he likes to have his arms over my shoulders which means that I have to hunch over to snuggle with him. A hug has a hard time being satisfying when it turns you into Igor.
I don't know why I want this hug, but I just do. My brother is too skinny, and I don't think my dad would be willing. I actually have the perfect candidate in mind, but I really don't know how to ask him, "Hey, will you do something for me that my husband can't?" If that doesn't send off warning signals in his mind, then I don't know if I want him hugging me. I just want a hug.
Anyway, I guess I will have to keep going on with out it. What can I otherwise do?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Long Time Gone
I have not written in a while, which is a shame because there is a lot to write about.
I'm working half time now.
Warren got promoted.
I realized I don't think God likes me. But he insists he does, so there is that.
I've been working out for a month and I really am enjoying it. I dont know if I've lost any weight or inches, and I don't really care.
Warren is so precious to me.
Matthew is so sweet and just does the cutest frickin things EVER.
I am hopelessly addicted to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy.
I got a cool new cell phone.
Perez Hilton is like a train wreck I cant stop staring at (meaning I can't stop checking his sight).
I think I'm finally coming off my crush on Robert Pattinson. That is until the New Moon Machine gets going.
I'm going to my dear dear friends wedding. When I met her, she was Catholic. Now she is Orthodox Jewish. It should be fun. All I know is I can't show my shoulders. Or something.
One of my best friends had her daughter. She is magnificent (both of them). The whole experience got me into a fight with my mother.
I kinda like pulling weeds. There is something satisfying about being able to pull the whole problem straight out of the ground, roots and all, all at once. I really really really wish life worked that way. Really.
I don't think I know even one John Mayer song, but my goodness, he is adorable. And yeah, he is good looking, but I mean just as a person, I think he is frickin adorable. Check this out.
Wait a minute, I do know one song, "Daughters". That's right.
So that is about it.
I'm working half time now.
Warren got promoted.
I realized I don't think God likes me. But he insists he does, so there is that.
I've been working out for a month and I really am enjoying it. I dont know if I've lost any weight or inches, and I don't really care.
Warren is so precious to me.
Matthew is so sweet and just does the cutest frickin things EVER.
I am hopelessly addicted to Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy.
I got a cool new cell phone.
Perez Hilton is like a train wreck I cant stop staring at (meaning I can't stop checking his sight).
I think I'm finally coming off my crush on Robert Pattinson. That is until the New Moon Machine gets going.
I'm going to my dear dear friends wedding. When I met her, she was Catholic. Now she is Orthodox Jewish. It should be fun. All I know is I can't show my shoulders. Or something.
One of my best friends had her daughter. She is magnificent (both of them). The whole experience got me into a fight with my mother.
I kinda like pulling weeds. There is something satisfying about being able to pull the whole problem straight out of the ground, roots and all, all at once. I really really really wish life worked that way. Really.
I don't think I know even one John Mayer song, but my goodness, he is adorable. And yeah, he is good looking, but I mean just as a person, I think he is frickin adorable. Check this out.
Wait a minute, I do know one song, "Daughters". That's right.
So that is about it.
Friday, January 2, 2009
New Year's Resolution
I had stopped making a resolution because it was always to lose weight, which I never successfully did. This year has been an interesting one as far as my weight/health goes. I have weighed more than I ever have before in my life. I've lost more than I ever have before in my life. The best part about this journey is that I am currently failing, but I am not quitting, and this is a new and good thing for me.
It is human nature to quit something when you start failing at it. Games, school, relationships, a recipe, anything. If we are bad at something, we just stop trying to succeed. That has always been my approach to weight loss (I won't use the word "dieting". A diet is a way of eating, which is only part of a weight loss journey). In Weight Watchers, I hit a plateau at 184 and quit. In Turbo Jam, walking, Julian Michaels, or any other exercise program, I was very bad at it, so I quit. I was so ashamed to be so bad at it, and I didn't have anyone telling me it was okay to be bad, that I would get better. I'm learning, there is no shame in being bad at something. The shame comes when you refuse to get better.
And it is a real shame to want to do something, but to give up because you are bad at it. Would I ever critisize a 7 y/o for being bad at baseball? Of course not! They haven't been playing for years and years. I'm not talking about being good on a professional level, I am talking about being good at something on a pleasurable level. By the time that 7 y/o is playing softball with his company's league, he isn't shabby. Especially if he stuck with it through school.
My point is, I want to lose weight, and I'm a really bad at it. Weigh Down worked wonders, but I'm bad at it. I ordered ChaLEAN Extreme, and I know I will be bad at it. This time, however, I am going to try it and see if I LIKE it, not try and see ifI am GOOD at it. I am trying to find things I enjoy. I don't like cardio, I'm finding out. I don't like frequently being in motion. I like to sometimes be in motion, but not all the time. What I also like is to feel strong. I like when I can lift something and feel my muscles engage. I've always stuck best to weight lifting. In college, I would skip the cardio part of the workout if I were going to skip anything. I just love being strong. So I thought, "I'll try lifting some weights?"
And this pressure that sits on my shoulders to be as good, to look as good just isnt there anymore. I'm not going to be a model. I'm a mother and a wife whose highest aspiration in life is to do soemthing meaningful, which will probably having nothing to do with the way I look. What is important is that I am healthy and feel capable. Why shouldn't I be able to hold my toddler and dance around? Why shouldn't I be able to sit up in bed without my arms? Why shouldn't I be able to run around or hurry somewhere without being winded? What I am bothered about is just feeling incapable.
And it is going to get so much worse. I will get bigger and older. This weight will take greater and greater tolls on my health. While I currently enjoy ridiculously good health and comfort for being 100 lbs overweight, I know I won't always. I will have back problems, I will get diabetes, I will hurt my joints, I will have heart problems, I will shave years off my life, and the remaining ones will be painful and I won't be able to make the best of them.
I've been bad at keep resolutions because I quit. I quit because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm bad. I feel bad because I am comparing my self to fitness veterens. So I quit for reasons that don't even matter. Even though I have been doing poorly with Weigh Down, I have't quit. I've kept going. I have gained a few lbs back. However, I know I will hit my stride again and I'll lose 20 more lbs. then I might get stuck, and I'll just wait it out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to force myself to do something I don't want to do. This time, however, I'm not giving up. If I am bulldozed in ever other area of this journey, fine, but I am determined to overcome quitting. Even if by struggling against the current I stay in the same exact spot, at least I'm not 50 ft down stream where I started. I've learned that lesson too many times. Get discouraged and quit, and then end up gaining more weight than before. It was better to just keep doing and be bad at it!
So that is the resolution. I'm going to find something I enjoy doing and work on getting better at it. Instead of focusing on a goal, I am going to focus on a process. It doesn't matter if I am in a size 6 if I don't have the skills and the knowledge to STAY in a size 6. Or 10 or 12 or whatever. I think this will always be my resolution. I'm sure with a thought process like this I won't always have weight problems, but there is always some problem in life to tackle. Instead of trying to just fix the problem, I need to find a way to fix the problem that makes me feel good. The problem was probably created by a process and it is truely the process that needs fixing, which can only be done by another process, so I might as well find joy in the processes that fix the processes in my life I am not enjoying.
It is human nature to quit something when you start failing at it. Games, school, relationships, a recipe, anything. If we are bad at something, we just stop trying to succeed. That has always been my approach to weight loss (I won't use the word "dieting". A diet is a way of eating, which is only part of a weight loss journey). In Weight Watchers, I hit a plateau at 184 and quit. In Turbo Jam, walking, Julian Michaels, or any other exercise program, I was very bad at it, so I quit. I was so ashamed to be so bad at it, and I didn't have anyone telling me it was okay to be bad, that I would get better. I'm learning, there is no shame in being bad at something. The shame comes when you refuse to get better.
And it is a real shame to want to do something, but to give up because you are bad at it. Would I ever critisize a 7 y/o for being bad at baseball? Of course not! They haven't been playing for years and years. I'm not talking about being good on a professional level, I am talking about being good at something on a pleasurable level. By the time that 7 y/o is playing softball with his company's league, he isn't shabby. Especially if he stuck with it through school.
My point is, I want to lose weight, and I'm a really bad at it. Weigh Down worked wonders, but I'm bad at it. I ordered ChaLEAN Extreme, and I know I will be bad at it. This time, however, I am going to try it and see if I LIKE it, not try and see ifI am GOOD at it. I am trying to find things I enjoy. I don't like cardio, I'm finding out. I don't like frequently being in motion. I like to sometimes be in motion, but not all the time. What I also like is to feel strong. I like when I can lift something and feel my muscles engage. I've always stuck best to weight lifting. In college, I would skip the cardio part of the workout if I were going to skip anything. I just love being strong. So I thought, "I'll try lifting some weights?"
And this pressure that sits on my shoulders to be as good, to look as good just isnt there anymore. I'm not going to be a model. I'm a mother and a wife whose highest aspiration in life is to do soemthing meaningful, which will probably having nothing to do with the way I look. What is important is that I am healthy and feel capable. Why shouldn't I be able to hold my toddler and dance around? Why shouldn't I be able to sit up in bed without my arms? Why shouldn't I be able to run around or hurry somewhere without being winded? What I am bothered about is just feeling incapable.
And it is going to get so much worse. I will get bigger and older. This weight will take greater and greater tolls on my health. While I currently enjoy ridiculously good health and comfort for being 100 lbs overweight, I know I won't always. I will have back problems, I will get diabetes, I will hurt my joints, I will have heart problems, I will shave years off my life, and the remaining ones will be painful and I won't be able to make the best of them.
I've been bad at keep resolutions because I quit. I quit because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed because I'm bad. I feel bad because I am comparing my self to fitness veterens. So I quit for reasons that don't even matter. Even though I have been doing poorly with Weigh Down, I have't quit. I've kept going. I have gained a few lbs back. However, I know I will hit my stride again and I'll lose 20 more lbs. then I might get stuck, and I'll just wait it out again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to force myself to do something I don't want to do. This time, however, I'm not giving up. If I am bulldozed in ever other area of this journey, fine, but I am determined to overcome quitting. Even if by struggling against the current I stay in the same exact spot, at least I'm not 50 ft down stream where I started. I've learned that lesson too many times. Get discouraged and quit, and then end up gaining more weight than before. It was better to just keep doing and be bad at it!
So that is the resolution. I'm going to find something I enjoy doing and work on getting better at it. Instead of focusing on a goal, I am going to focus on a process. It doesn't matter if I am in a size 6 if I don't have the skills and the knowledge to STAY in a size 6. Or 10 or 12 or whatever. I think this will always be my resolution. I'm sure with a thought process like this I won't always have weight problems, but there is always some problem in life to tackle. Instead of trying to just fix the problem, I need to find a way to fix the problem that makes me feel good. The problem was probably created by a process and it is truely the process that needs fixing, which can only be done by another process, so I might as well find joy in the processes that fix the processes in my life I am not enjoying.
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