Okay, so the dissatisfaction I keep bringing up (Im sure it has been a JOY to read about), that is just seeping into every area of my life, seemingly, is even getting into my marriage (big surprise).
I really really am a lucky gal when it comes to the whole marriage thing. Except in one rather vital area. I totally enjoy my husband's company. We are good friends. I appreciate all the hard work he does to keep a roof over our head, to raise our boy, to even keep the house clean. We make decisions together very seamlessly and without much disagreement. Even when we do disagree, things usually go pretty well. What it kind of boils down to is that we are terrific roommates, or partners. Our lives are so much better because of the other person. I know it. Because of me, he has a better life, and because of him, I have a better life. We just work so well together. We have this routine of life down pat.
I think you picked up on what is left out. There is almost no chemistry. It just feels like a really awesome business deal that also bleeds into personal life. It is so strange to me. If we had money problems, I know we would be like every other couple out there, fighting like pit bulls and divorced in a year. But I am really good with our money, and because of the way I handle it, we do surprisingly well for lower middle class folk. We both just love love love our son. He is so freaking fantastic. Nothing brings smiles to our faces like this kid. We just laugh and laugh, and he brings this tremendous tenderness out of both of us, for him. And we are sensitive to one another's needs. He knows I need hugs and touches, and obliges. I know he needs "things", and I oblige. But it really really is just fulfilling obligations (is that as painful for you as it is for me?). Neither of us are bitter about it. I'm happy to make him happy, I just am not overwhelmed by this need to be in bed with him. I know he is happy to make me happy, but much the same as me, is not overwhelmed by the need to be near me, touching or caressing. Before marriage, we were totally all over it. I wanted in his pants in a fierce way. He couldn't keep his hands of me (both in sexual and not sexual ways), and was often telling how much he loved me. Then we got married. Ouch. Why is life long commitment so bad for intimacy?
I read and hear everywhere that is the woman's responsibility to make a relationship work. I just don't know what to do. I tried the whole appreciation thing. Like, I do appreciate him very much and communicate it, but I guess the idea is that you smother a guy with it and he responds by turning into the man of your dreams? It didn't work. He got all bashful and told me to stop after a week because he said it felt cheap. I'm sure it did. And I was being very sincere because I honestly do appreciate him for everything he does and does not do (ya know, like the bad stuff some husbands do). I tried the whole vixen in the bedroom thing. Nope, he just got laid a lot, but I didn't get that sensitive, touching caring guy I wanted. I got more of the same. Get laid, go to bed. Before trying all this trickery, I tried to just tell him out right, but that backfired on me so severely. "I want you to want me!" "I DO want you." "Then why doesn't it seem like you want me" "I don't know. Maybe it is because you are too needy." And then of course, I'm now offended and we are fighting.
And don't think I haven't thought of that; being too needy. I really have. It is why I've given up talking about it straight up. Why bother? If I really am being too needy, then the fault is mine for being unsatisfied. If I'm not being too needy, husband just really doesn't want me, well that is an answer I don't want to deal with.
That is pretty bad, that last thought, but I think the worst part about all of it is he thinks everything is fine. He is 100% happy with our marriage.
So either I figure out a way to become satisfied or wait for my husband to get a clue. I really don't know how to make either happen, and I really wish I did.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Annoying Husband Thing
Why, oh why, do you, dear husband, try and wake my up to spend time together? I was with you just moments ago, practically begging to do something with you. You picked a stupid anime movie, that you know I hate, so I left to go to sleep after 30 min of badly edited cartoons. You waited until I had fallen asleep to actually spend time with me, and then you got your feelings hurt when I turned reading to you down. Seriously, if you want to spend time with me, you have a 30 min to get me engaged. If you ignore that window, I'm going to get sleepy, and I'm going to go to bed, and I'm not even going to feel a little bit bad about ignoring you. ESPECIALLY when you slept for three hours in the middle of the day and its no damn wonder why you aren't tired and you are bored.
Skip the nap, take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself to you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and don't think for a second that if I am already sleeping you have a shot in hell of getting me to wake back up to spend time with you when we could have done that 30 minutes prior, but instead you chose anime over me. YEAH.
DAMMIT.
The worst, dear husband. I mean the WORST is to ignore me over anime and then try and get some. I don't think so. When the kid goes down, come get yours. Trust me, I am ALL for it. If you don't, and I fall asleep, too damn bad for you. Do not wake me up at 11. Do not try and neck on me. I'm pissed and feeling rejected, just let me sleep and dream of someone who will take me out dancing.
Skip the nap, take advantage of an opportunity that presents itself to you EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, and don't think for a second that if I am already sleeping you have a shot in hell of getting me to wake back up to spend time with you when we could have done that 30 minutes prior, but instead you chose anime over me. YEAH.
DAMMIT.
The worst, dear husband. I mean the WORST is to ignore me over anime and then try and get some. I don't think so. When the kid goes down, come get yours. Trust me, I am ALL for it. If you don't, and I fall asleep, too damn bad for you. Do not wake me up at 11. Do not try and neck on me. I'm pissed and feeling rejected, just let me sleep and dream of someone who will take me out dancing.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Amelie
Can I say how much I love this movie?! Really, I just love it. A lot. The ending is something which just has me totally blown over. Maybe every woman thinks she is the only woman that just thinks up these totally ridiculous fantasies. I don't know, but I know I do, and I know I feel like the only one. And they aren't about sex. I don't really fantasize about sex. Now that I am stopping to think about it, they almost all have to do with being wanted. They go along the lines of being that one girl to the guy who can get any one he wanted.
Sometimes this didn't go so well for me. When I was younger I had pictures on one wall of my room of Teenie Bopper Andrew Keegan. They were only on one side because I just knew that he could see me through these photos. I would undress with my back to that wall. Obviously this isn't so much a cute fantasy, as much as a totally bizarre one. My point, however, is that I have an active imagination.
In Amelie, however, she finds herself day dreaming her life away. Prompted by the folk around her, especially her frail shut in neighbor, she acts on this crush she has in just the most creative and insane ways. Well, many ridiculously cute scenes later, after this girl and boy have just missed one another (purposely) you find Amelie in her kitchen preparing a meal. She is thinking of how this fellow orchestrates this rather elaborate ruse and ends up in her apt. In her day dream he fiddles with her beaded curtain, but in real life, it was the cat. Very disappointing. You are lead to think for half a second that in fact, he will have wanted her enough to go to all of this trouble to present himself to her, but it is just the cat. Well, the movie ends about 2 seconds after that when while she was day dreaming, he really was trying to get to her. *swoon*
I spend a lot of time day dreaming, especially with this cursed Twilight mania going on. I'm old enough to know better, and even to be bitter about it. "Yes, just keep hoping he will do such and such, you idiot!" Especially since I am married. What I am gonna do? Wait for some version of Edward to come around, and when he does, tell him, "Uh, I'm married, but thanks for the undying love sentiment". Apparently I'm young enough to keep doing it anyway. I used to be hopeful, and now I just want to stab myself in the foot. I am convinced it would hurt less.
Poor Warren gets the brunt of this (although he has no idea why I've turned into a lunatic, and I cant tell him it is because he doesn't treat me as if I am the reason for his existence, because I'm not, which is fine, really). What the hell is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me, though, of that I am convinced. I'm 24, I'm bored out of my mind, I am so deeply unsatisfied with what really is just a very fortunate existence. My dad said of my mom once that she was just pissed because life wasn't a huge fairy tale. He seemed to indicate that all of her bitterness was due to the fact that she just didn't get everything she wanted. I don't want to be that. I don't want to look at a very blessed life and call it rubbish. The very thought sickens me. I know being her daughter how hurt I was that she didn't seem to really even want me around. I've always kind of felt like if I died, it wouldn't matter one way or the other to her. I know that is over the top dramatic, but it is how I felt. I don't feel that way anymore, really. No, I can't when I watched everything she had built crumble around her, and I've watched her sink further and further into regret. Now all she does is apologize. Even for things that aren't her fault.
I don't want to be regretful. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Why in the world didn't I appreciate that?!?!" And yet, it just seems to be my knee jerk reaction. "Why doesn't this look and feel just the way I expected it to?!" Writing it out makes it so obvious, but being in the throws of it have been very confusing for me this week.
I guess what I need to do is identify what it is I want, do what I can to get it, and then if I can't, get over it. I wasn't really promised anything in this life except suffering and the friendship of Jesus, if I wanted it.
In all the sweet ways day dreaming feels and works, I hate it. I really really hate it.
Sometimes this didn't go so well for me. When I was younger I had pictures on one wall of my room of Teenie Bopper Andrew Keegan. They were only on one side because I just knew that he could see me through these photos. I would undress with my back to that wall. Obviously this isn't so much a cute fantasy, as much as a totally bizarre one. My point, however, is that I have an active imagination.
In Amelie, however, she finds herself day dreaming her life away. Prompted by the folk around her, especially her frail shut in neighbor, she acts on this crush she has in just the most creative and insane ways. Well, many ridiculously cute scenes later, after this girl and boy have just missed one another (purposely) you find Amelie in her kitchen preparing a meal. She is thinking of how this fellow orchestrates this rather elaborate ruse and ends up in her apt. In her day dream he fiddles with her beaded curtain, but in real life, it was the cat. Very disappointing. You are lead to think for half a second that in fact, he will have wanted her enough to go to all of this trouble to present himself to her, but it is just the cat. Well, the movie ends about 2 seconds after that when while she was day dreaming, he really was trying to get to her. *swoon*
I spend a lot of time day dreaming, especially with this cursed Twilight mania going on. I'm old enough to know better, and even to be bitter about it. "Yes, just keep hoping he will do such and such, you idiot!" Especially since I am married. What I am gonna do? Wait for some version of Edward to come around, and when he does, tell him, "Uh, I'm married, but thanks for the undying love sentiment". Apparently I'm young enough to keep doing it anyway. I used to be hopeful, and now I just want to stab myself in the foot. I am convinced it would hurt less.
Poor Warren gets the brunt of this (although he has no idea why I've turned into a lunatic, and I cant tell him it is because he doesn't treat me as if I am the reason for his existence, because I'm not, which is fine, really). What the hell is wrong with me? Something is wrong with me, though, of that I am convinced. I'm 24, I'm bored out of my mind, I am so deeply unsatisfied with what really is just a very fortunate existence. My dad said of my mom once that she was just pissed because life wasn't a huge fairy tale. He seemed to indicate that all of her bitterness was due to the fact that she just didn't get everything she wanted. I don't want to be that. I don't want to look at a very blessed life and call it rubbish. The very thought sickens me. I know being her daughter how hurt I was that she didn't seem to really even want me around. I've always kind of felt like if I died, it wouldn't matter one way or the other to her. I know that is over the top dramatic, but it is how I felt. I don't feel that way anymore, really. No, I can't when I watched everything she had built crumble around her, and I've watched her sink further and further into regret. Now all she does is apologize. Even for things that aren't her fault.
I don't want to be regretful. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Why in the world didn't I appreciate that?!?!" And yet, it just seems to be my knee jerk reaction. "Why doesn't this look and feel just the way I expected it to?!" Writing it out makes it so obvious, but being in the throws of it have been very confusing for me this week.
I guess what I need to do is identify what it is I want, do what I can to get it, and then if I can't, get over it. I wasn't really promised anything in this life except suffering and the friendship of Jesus, if I wanted it.
In all the sweet ways day dreaming feels and works, I hate it. I really really hate it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A Pretty Good Thought
This is why I am not completely Anti-Abortion (b/c I am pro life, I would think most pro-choicer's are as well).
Monday, December 8, 2008
Baby Boy
Well, it has been quite a while since I talked to my midwife about letting me help with some births. About 2 months, actually. I thought she was just mad at me. I just knew it would not be a good idea to call. If she wanted me to help, she would call. So I just waited.
Last night, while Matthew was asleep due to sickness, Warren and I were working feverishly on our bathroom. What started out as a toilet replacement became a full scale remodel. Okay, not full scale. We repainted, refloored, retrimmed, recaulked, and retoileted. The vanity, the shower, the mirror, and the light fixtures remain untouched. So we are installing the trim so that we can FINALLY install the toilet and Matthew wakes up. With a 103.8 temp. We gave him some Tylenol, got him in a warm bath and 20 min later the fever was down to 100.3. Whew. No trip to the hospital. I also had a meeting that I was planning on going to after he was back to sleep. Dad was willing to stay home and sleep with him. Obviously, it was as important as taking my kid to the hospital, but it was a relief that I didn't have to take my baby to the ER and I could still make my meeting. Icing on the cake. Well, about 7pm, the midwife calls. "Hey, you in for a birth?!?!?"
UGH! I have a sick baby, I am remodeling my bathroom, and tonight is the first meeting for this study I am super excited about. OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO A BIRTH!! :-) So I flew out of the door. I flew right back in when I couldn't find my keys, but then I FLEW right back out after I stole my husband's.
I got to the birthing center to find out that mom was complete, but not feeling the urge to push, so we just sat in midwife's office and chatted. After a bit she said she was ready to push, and by this time the real assistant was there. At one point mom needed oxygen b/c the baby's heart rate was dropping. We decided to take a break since there was still a bit of cervix left, and that was all she needed. After about 20 min, she was ready to go again, and man did we go! She got that kid out in 30 min (which is kind of awesome(who am I kidding, I don't really know. However, I think it is awesome)). She sat with him in the tub (where she had birthed) and passed the placenta. It ended up that I became the photographer, so that was nice for them.
We got mom and baby cleaned up and in bed. They basically just chilled out. The coolest part? I got to help her breastfeed! It was fun acting all like, "Yeah, I know what the hell I'm doing" When I really don't. I know how to breastfeed, I just don't really know how to teach someone else how, ya know? He wasn't feeling it, so we tried again after about 30 min. He latched on pretty well and she didn't complain about any pain, so hopefully they have a bright breastfeeding future ahead of them.
All in all, it was just a textbook birth, really. But it was so great. I didn't do much but get in the way and act like a moron (nothing says idiot like learning to take blood pressure on a nursing student who doesn't know it is your first attempt). However, I had so much fun! I didn't get giddy. I never felt faint. I pretty much kept my cool, which is kind of impressive for me.
Afterwards we just cleaned up and did a crap load of laundry. I was home by 1am. I got about 6.5 hours of sleep which isn't shabby in my book! I couldn't even fall asleep right away, which is one of my nifty tricks, I was too busy being excited about my very cool evening.
Anyway, I still don't know what I want to do, but I had a blast last night, and I think I could actually be capable of doing that. I don't know. I'm just going to try very hard to live in the moment and not think too too much about it.
Last night, while Matthew was asleep due to sickness, Warren and I were working feverishly on our bathroom. What started out as a toilet replacement became a full scale remodel. Okay, not full scale. We repainted, refloored, retrimmed, recaulked, and retoileted. The vanity, the shower, the mirror, and the light fixtures remain untouched. So we are installing the trim so that we can FINALLY install the toilet and Matthew wakes up. With a 103.8 temp. We gave him some Tylenol, got him in a warm bath and 20 min later the fever was down to 100.3. Whew. No trip to the hospital. I also had a meeting that I was planning on going to after he was back to sleep. Dad was willing to stay home and sleep with him. Obviously, it was as important as taking my kid to the hospital, but it was a relief that I didn't have to take my baby to the ER and I could still make my meeting. Icing on the cake. Well, about 7pm, the midwife calls. "Hey, you in for a birth?!?!?"
UGH! I have a sick baby, I am remodeling my bathroom, and tonight is the first meeting for this study I am super excited about. OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO A BIRTH!! :-) So I flew out of the door. I flew right back in when I couldn't find my keys, but then I FLEW right back out after I stole my husband's.
I got to the birthing center to find out that mom was complete, but not feeling the urge to push, so we just sat in midwife's office and chatted. After a bit she said she was ready to push, and by this time the real assistant was there. At one point mom needed oxygen b/c the baby's heart rate was dropping. We decided to take a break since there was still a bit of cervix left, and that was all she needed. After about 20 min, she was ready to go again, and man did we go! She got that kid out in 30 min (which is kind of awesome(who am I kidding, I don't really know. However, I think it is awesome)). She sat with him in the tub (where she had birthed) and passed the placenta. It ended up that I became the photographer, so that was nice for them.
We got mom and baby cleaned up and in bed. They basically just chilled out. The coolest part? I got to help her breastfeed! It was fun acting all like, "Yeah, I know what the hell I'm doing" When I really don't. I know how to breastfeed, I just don't really know how to teach someone else how, ya know? He wasn't feeling it, so we tried again after about 30 min. He latched on pretty well and she didn't complain about any pain, so hopefully they have a bright breastfeeding future ahead of them.
All in all, it was just a textbook birth, really. But it was so great. I didn't do much but get in the way and act like a moron (nothing says idiot like learning to take blood pressure on a nursing student who doesn't know it is your first attempt). However, I had so much fun! I didn't get giddy. I never felt faint. I pretty much kept my cool, which is kind of impressive for me.
Afterwards we just cleaned up and did a crap load of laundry. I was home by 1am. I got about 6.5 hours of sleep which isn't shabby in my book! I couldn't even fall asleep right away, which is one of my nifty tricks, I was too busy being excited about my very cool evening.
Anyway, I still don't know what I want to do, but I had a blast last night, and I think I could actually be capable of doing that. I don't know. I'm just going to try very hard to live in the moment and not think too too much about it.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Embarrassed
You know you are truly embarrassed by something when you are hesitant to write about it on your anonymous blog.
I saw Twilight again today. That makes three times. I mean. Ugh.
The part where Edward admits he has been watching Bella sleep for two months. That is how I feel. I feel super wrong, and creepy, but I'm not stopping myself? What I do wait for is an excuse. The first time was obviously for myself, but the second and third were in service to some friends. I'm gonna just keep telling myself that. At least they liked the film, so that makes me feel a little better. The chick that went to see it with me today hasn't read any of the books. I was sure she was going to turn to me after the movie and shake her head at me in shame effectively saying, "No no Beth. This needs to stop." But she didn't. She sighed and exclaimed, "That was great! I need to read the books!"
I just hope she didn't see the relief on my face.
Someone needs to kick Robert Pattinson for playing Edward so damn well. It just hurts.
Anyway. I'm working hard on coming back to the world of grown ups. It is a good world. I love so many things about this world. But the 17 y/o in me just slithers down her seat to day dream about this romance in secret and it is freaking killin' me.
I saw Twilight again today. That makes three times. I mean. Ugh.
The part where Edward admits he has been watching Bella sleep for two months. That is how I feel. I feel super wrong, and creepy, but I'm not stopping myself? What I do wait for is an excuse. The first time was obviously for myself, but the second and third were in service to some friends. I'm gonna just keep telling myself that. At least they liked the film, so that makes me feel a little better. The chick that went to see it with me today hasn't read any of the books. I was sure she was going to turn to me after the movie and shake her head at me in shame effectively saying, "No no Beth. This needs to stop." But she didn't. She sighed and exclaimed, "That was great! I need to read the books!"
I just hope she didn't see the relief on my face.
Someone needs to kick Robert Pattinson for playing Edward so damn well. It just hurts.
Anyway. I'm working hard on coming back to the world of grown ups. It is a good world. I love so many things about this world. But the 17 y/o in me just slithers down her seat to day dream about this romance in secret and it is freaking killin' me.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
My Broken Head
This is the deal. I fainted twice while on the potty. You can read about that here (if you really want to.......). I really did not want to go to the doctor because I knew it was be extremely unsatisfying as I talked about here.
But it happened twice in a couple of weeks, so that was enough to warrant the whole work up. Well, I finally had my followup. The blood work? Fine. The EEG? Fine. The MRI? Better than fine. Yup.
I knew going into the appt the best news I could get was, "Nope, you still have a tumor that isn't doing anything and we don't know why you are fainting when you crap." Happily, I was wrong. I got this news instead, "Nope, you do NOT have a brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed. You no longer have to hurry to have kids or worry that at some point your brain will stop working and you'll come into the office to take hormone shots once a month. AND we still don't know why you faint. Try not to crap."
No, they didn't tell me to avoid the turlet, but he chalked it up to a vasovagel response (shock). I'm not sure what my body is worried about, but I guess there is something scary about pooping because twice I've woken up on the floor with rug burn on my face (which is far worse than pooping, IMHO).
The GREAT news is that I don't have a brain tumor! YES! No more MRI's. No more rushing to have babies. No more worries that I'll be dependent on hormone shots for decades!
That is two major things in one year. Cervical Cancer and Brain Tumor. Gone. Ka put. Nada. I'm feeling fortunate. And you know what? I can't tell my mom. I didn't want to tell her about the tests because when she worries it's bad for everyone, so I thought, "If it's bad news then I'll let her know, and if it is good news then it doesn't matter, and no one is the wiser" Except the news was better than good. So do I tell her, "Hey, I got tested for the worrisome thing that I didn't want to tell you about, but the good news is I am tumor free?" or just not tell her? I'm probably not going to tell her and let my dad or brother bring it up on accident and say, "I really didn't tell you about that? No, I think I did. You must have been drunk..." How's that for Godly behavior?
But it happened twice in a couple of weeks, so that was enough to warrant the whole work up. Well, I finally had my followup. The blood work? Fine. The EEG? Fine. The MRI? Better than fine. Yup.
I knew going into the appt the best news I could get was, "Nope, you still have a tumor that isn't doing anything and we don't know why you are fainting when you crap." Happily, I was wrong. I got this news instead, "Nope, you do NOT have a brain tumor. It was misdiagnosed. You no longer have to hurry to have kids or worry that at some point your brain will stop working and you'll come into the office to take hormone shots once a month. AND we still don't know why you faint. Try not to crap."
No, they didn't tell me to avoid the turlet, but he chalked it up to a vasovagel response (shock). I'm not sure what my body is worried about, but I guess there is something scary about pooping because twice I've woken up on the floor with rug burn on my face (which is far worse than pooping, IMHO).
The GREAT news is that I don't have a brain tumor! YES! No more MRI's. No more rushing to have babies. No more worries that I'll be dependent on hormone shots for decades!
That is two major things in one year. Cervical Cancer and Brain Tumor. Gone. Ka put. Nada. I'm feeling fortunate. And you know what? I can't tell my mom. I didn't want to tell her about the tests because when she worries it's bad for everyone, so I thought, "If it's bad news then I'll let her know, and if it is good news then it doesn't matter, and no one is the wiser" Except the news was better than good. So do I tell her, "Hey, I got tested for the worrisome thing that I didn't want to tell you about, but the good news is I am tumor free?" or just not tell her? I'm probably not going to tell her and let my dad or brother bring it up on accident and say, "I really didn't tell you about that? No, I think I did. You must have been drunk..." How's that for Godly behavior?
Monday, November 24, 2008
Fat Ass
I broke our toilet. When you weigh as much as I do, or maybe it is a chick thing, you walk around with a constant fear of breaking whatever you are sitting on. It really is kinda funny. "Oh shit, the chair is squeaking. Please don't break." And I'll probably never grow out of it because if I do ever manage to lose this weight, I'll still be rather large as I am tall and muscular, and yes, I literally do have big bones. :-) Anyway, it isn't an excuse for being over weight, but you'll never see me at 120lbs, and if you do, it will be because I am very sick. ANYWAY
So I was sitting on the throne and reached back to give it a flush, but the tubing slipped out and started spraying all over my back from under the lid that is too big for our toilet. I'm also holding a book I desperately don't want to soak. I finally give up and leave my hand wedged between the lid and the tank and let the water deflect off my hand and into the tank. It finally fills up and I can set my book down and get my pants back on and deal with this. Well, in trying to get my hand out, the lid slips sideways into the tank and causes it to crack at the bottom. So now a whole toilets worth of water is spewing all over the bathroom and on my feet and I still haven't marked my spot in the book and gotten my britches up! Warren saves the day by turning off the water (GENIUS). But we do need a new toilet.
So no, it didn't break because of my fat ass, but still, I broke the toilet.
Warren wanted to rip up the tile while we had the toilet off and replace it as well, so I worked off my shame by taking it out on the VCT. My knuckles hurt, but I feel better.
All that to say. It is my birthday today. Guess what we are going to do tonight? Shop for a new toilet. I'm getting a toilet for my birthday. Yup.
I could be pissed, but that really is pretty funny.
So I was sitting on the throne and reached back to give it a flush, but the tubing slipped out and started spraying all over my back from under the lid that is too big for our toilet. I'm also holding a book I desperately don't want to soak. I finally give up and leave my hand wedged between the lid and the tank and let the water deflect off my hand and into the tank. It finally fills up and I can set my book down and get my pants back on and deal with this. Well, in trying to get my hand out, the lid slips sideways into the tank and causes it to crack at the bottom. So now a whole toilets worth of water is spewing all over the bathroom and on my feet and I still haven't marked my spot in the book and gotten my britches up! Warren saves the day by turning off the water (GENIUS). But we do need a new toilet.
So no, it didn't break because of my fat ass, but still, I broke the toilet.
Warren wanted to rip up the tile while we had the toilet off and replace it as well, so I worked off my shame by taking it out on the VCT. My knuckles hurt, but I feel better.
All that to say. It is my birthday today. Guess what we are going to do tonight? Shop for a new toilet. I'm getting a toilet for my birthday. Yup.
I could be pissed, but that really is pretty funny.
Robert Pattinson
Here is a fellow I feel a lot of sympathy for, Robert Pattinson. Oh my goodness. Did I see Twilight? Yes (x2). Do I think he and the rest of the cast did a great job portraying these characters? In all honesty, I really do. Do I think he is one beautiful piece of handsomeness? You betcha I do. But my goodness. What is the deal?
I'm certainly not trying to insinuate that he isn't a fantastic person. I don't really know having never even seen him in person. But the screaming and following and obsession? I think the pain of all of that would be worse than the pain of ruining my career by saying, "Please stop. You've gone too far." Of course, that is just me, and actually, should I ever be put in that ridiculous position, I probably would never say that, but I would probably want to. Very badly. These girls are asking to be bitten, married, impregnated, and/or killed. Darlings, are you even thinking before you speak? What if he insists you live with your mother in law who hunts squirrels and force feeds them to you every night? Now do you want to marry him? And impregnated? Really? The child might be good looking, but you would also be a single mother. Yippy Skippy. Asking to be bitten, well, what can you do about that, he did play a vampire. And we should all run from anyone who asks us to kill them. Surely that was just an exception. Otherwise I'm very embarrassed to be a fan right now.
And I think that is my point. I am embarrassed to be a fan right now. The man isn't Edward. Edward only exists in 80 y/o's that have had time to perfect themselves, if they put their mind to the effort. But then, obviously, they are 80, so in order to be in love with them, you would have had to have fallen for the trick 60 years previous when they weren't Edward. So by my account, Rob hasn't a prayer of being like Edward, and you crazy fan who is offering your soul up to him, you would be fantastically lucky if he were even a Jacob. Again, I don't know Rob, but I'm just saying, Jacob's are hard to come by.
So can we let the poor man alone and save his ear drums. Let us thank him for a job well done. Let us thank him for letting us gaze upon his pretty face. Let us wish him well. Let us not ask if we can have his baby. He is not the answer to all of your problems and you are not the answer to his.
Now I feel bad, like I might have been too harsh. But I really do feel bad for this guy. I know its part of the job, the admiration of the fans and all. But aren't we just supposed to be fans, not lunatics?
I'm just sayin'....
I'm certainly not trying to insinuate that he isn't a fantastic person. I don't really know having never even seen him in person. But the screaming and following and obsession? I think the pain of all of that would be worse than the pain of ruining my career by saying, "Please stop. You've gone too far." Of course, that is just me, and actually, should I ever be put in that ridiculous position, I probably would never say that, but I would probably want to. Very badly. These girls are asking to be bitten, married, impregnated, and/or killed. Darlings, are you even thinking before you speak? What if he insists you live with your mother in law who hunts squirrels and force feeds them to you every night? Now do you want to marry him? And impregnated? Really? The child might be good looking, but you would also be a single mother. Yippy Skippy. Asking to be bitten, well, what can you do about that, he did play a vampire. And we should all run from anyone who asks us to kill them. Surely that was just an exception. Otherwise I'm very embarrassed to be a fan right now.
And I think that is my point. I am embarrassed to be a fan right now. The man isn't Edward. Edward only exists in 80 y/o's that have had time to perfect themselves, if they put their mind to the effort. But then, obviously, they are 80, so in order to be in love with them, you would have had to have fallen for the trick 60 years previous when they weren't Edward. So by my account, Rob hasn't a prayer of being like Edward, and you crazy fan who is offering your soul up to him, you would be fantastically lucky if he were even a Jacob. Again, I don't know Rob, but I'm just saying, Jacob's are hard to come by.
So can we let the poor man alone and save his ear drums. Let us thank him for a job well done. Let us thank him for letting us gaze upon his pretty face. Let us wish him well. Let us not ask if we can have his baby. He is not the answer to all of your problems and you are not the answer to his.
Now I feel bad, like I might have been too harsh. But I really do feel bad for this guy. I know its part of the job, the admiration of the fans and all. But aren't we just supposed to be fans, not lunatics?
I'm just sayin'....
Friday, November 21, 2008
Oh Lordie! Twilight the Movie!
If you haven't heard of Twilight, google it. Seriously. You don't have to like it, but you should be embarrassed for not knowing. Even I know, and I'm always the last to know anything. You must have been trying not to know. (some one's cranky...)
Yes I'm cranky, because I have gotten NO sleep the week. Am I making excuses? NO! Because I loved it, and I would do the same thing given the opportunity for a redo. I had to stay up all night for a sleep deprived EEG, so that was just necessary. But when I was just barely recovered from that later in the week, I went to a midnight movie which I never do because my bed time is 9pm that is the kind of not night owl I am.
So the movie that made that whole ordeal worth it, Twilight, had some major major pressure to deliver. First, I went to see it at midnight, which is not it's fault, but still counts. Second, I am a fan of the books. Third, I'm not a teenage girl who is hopelessly in love with the actors playing these characters, so they can't suck because I am actually paying attention. Then there is the HYPE. Oh my goodness, the hype. I HATE when they hype movies like this. If it is only barely slightly less than the hype led you to believe it would be, you think it was no good, when really it was pretty dang good, it was just slightly less than the hype. So not fair. So those were some factors in my head going into this whole experience. One factor on the side of the movie is that I am not a "the movie better be the book in motion picture" fan. I realize they are two different types of art, two very different ways to communicate ideas. AND, if I wanted to experience Twilight a la Stephenie Meyer, I would have just reread the book. But this was Twilight a la Catherine Hardwick, so I was excited to see where she took it. These were some things in my head going into the experience. So what did I think?
I should start out saying that I really enjoyed myself because I have some tough criticisms,and you might not catch that in everything I have to say. There were some parts I would have done differently, but there were some parts that were so transcendentally better than the book, I was literally breathless. It was geared to a young audience, so I forgave the offenses I had due to my age. The movie felt much more "teen love" rather than "epic love". I was disappointed in that a little. But this is the most difficult part of these kinds of projects. I read the books and took something very personal from them, which was the immense sacrifice that both Bella and Edward took part of for the other. So of course when that part was not the focus of their love story, I missed it. It was there, but I'm talking about my unreal expectations as a previous fan in that example.
I think overall I wish they could have moved away from the book more than they did. I definitely understand the pressure to make the book fans happy, but since I am a fan of the interpretation more than the accuracy, I felt a little like, "yeah, I've read that line before... 5 times... I don't want to hear it". Some of it was good, like the lion and the lamb, and the other was a little redundant like Bella's three lines about how Edward is a vampire, he wants her blood and she loves him. I think it does sum things up really well, but I've just read those lines a lot, so it was a little redundant (like I said ;-)).
Lastly, and this has to do with having too much of the book in there as well, I felt as if there were many many aspects that only Twilight insiders would understand. Again, this is a super hard balance where you will find yourself pleasing no one because book fans want to see the aspects they fell in love with, and new on lookers want things to make sense and not fly over their head. For instance, in the biology scene, instead of wondering what the hell Edward's problem is with Bella because he is acting weird (you aren't supposed to know he wants to kill her), I laughed because of how far they took the pain Edward was in. Part of Edward's character is that he maintains a very firm facade, and that is part of the appeal of the books because you get to peek under it. So seeing Edward flinch like he did was kind of out of character and weird. He was supposed to come off as a jerk who seemed offended at Bella, not as a psychopath. There were a couple of scenes like that where I just basically felt the whole bit was overacted, not a little overacted, severely overacted. But again, in this story which is so focused on passion, how do you draw the line? When does something go from passionate and stirring to cheesy and over the top? I felt like some of the editing and music contributed to that as well.
On the other side of that very coin, however, I was totally caught up in some of the scenes. Instead of flying over my head, they took me up with them. The kiss scene was just. Oh Lord, it just was. I loved how they integrated the whole revealing who Edward really is and how everyone really feels about each other in the one scene in the woods. That went very well and would have taken up way too much space to do separately like it was in the book. The back and forth of the fear and uncertainty, the acceptance, the vulnerability, all of it was just wonderful, with the climax of the mutual understanding that they were falling in love in the worst and most dangerous of circumstances. The setting and chemistry and music was fantastic. I also really really enjoyed the getting to know each other parts that followed. It brought much needed levity. I liked how they had much more fun meeting the Cullen's and Hales than they did in the book. Poor Nicki Reed and Ashley Greene (they play Rosalie and Alice) just got soo much grief. I think they were wonderful. In fact I wasn't much worried about any of the casting with the exception of Jacob.
I am just barely not a Team Jacob fan for Bella, and I am 100% a Team Jacob fan for myself. I was not feeling Taylor Lautner for the part of Jacob. I can't really pin why. However, seeing his performance just sealed the deal. He has just enough chemistry and shyness. He clearly felt inferior to Edward, but I definitely got the sense that he was interested but not hopeful for Bella. I liked how they prematurely started the tension between Jacob and Edward in a "this is more than I'm jealous of you" kind of way. I am actually very excited what they do with Jacob in New Moon whereas before I was not looking forward to it. He carried that part in a way that put my fears about his age and maturity to shame.
I was afraid the villains were going to be over the top, but I liked them. You connected with them, got a real sense of their feeling of superiority. James wasn't evil, he was condescending, and it was his pride that lead him to feel like he could treat Bella as no more than a dinner roll. I really liked how they captured that. I think in that, they allowed us to understand a little that the even though we spend so much time with the Cullen's, that they are in fact the exception, not the rule. Their position is precarious and vulnerable because of their lifestyle. I thought that dynamic was subtle, but I am really glad it was there. It is a depth that I believe is essential for the rest of the series.
I really enjoyed Bella's friends. I had a hard time connecting with them in the books which served my obsession for Edward well. In the movie however, I felt that Bella was more integrated, and that the tension will be a good focal point in later movies. I appreciated more of Angela and less of Jessica as well. Jessica really got on my nerves in the books, so that was a huge relief for me.
So there ya go. Some parts I literally rolled my eyes at, and some parts literally left me speechless and breathless (which makes me want to roll my eyes at myself now). Very very interesting direction. Hardwick took this movie to a place I never expected it to go, not even with all the footage we were allowed to see ahead of time. I don't know how to describe that place, but it was different than expected. It wasn't a cheap imitation of the book, it stood alone as a piece of art. I REALLY liked the indie quality because of what I feared the massive popularity and hype would do to it all. I didn't miss the polish even a little bit. It was totally unexpected, and I loved it!
One last thought. The sparkle. Even in the books I thought this was over the top and ridiculous. Seriously. Sparkles? But I was very impressed by the effect they did for it in the movie. I actually liked it! I thought it enhanced and didn't detract. I could never wrap my mind around that reading the books, so it was a delight to have it done for me in the movies!
Will I see it again? I think I'm gonna have to just to wrap my mind around it. There were so many aspects that were so unexpected (which is a real feat for a movie based so closely on a book). I enjoyed everything so much the first time, though. So it will be no chore, let me assure you!
Yes I'm cranky, because I have gotten NO sleep the week. Am I making excuses? NO! Because I loved it, and I would do the same thing given the opportunity for a redo. I had to stay up all night for a sleep deprived EEG, so that was just necessary. But when I was just barely recovered from that later in the week, I went to a midnight movie which I never do because my bed time is 9pm that is the kind of not night owl I am.
So the movie that made that whole ordeal worth it, Twilight, had some major major pressure to deliver. First, I went to see it at midnight, which is not it's fault, but still counts. Second, I am a fan of the books. Third, I'm not a teenage girl who is hopelessly in love with the actors playing these characters, so they can't suck because I am actually paying attention. Then there is the HYPE. Oh my goodness, the hype. I HATE when they hype movies like this. If it is only barely slightly less than the hype led you to believe it would be, you think it was no good, when really it was pretty dang good, it was just slightly less than the hype. So not fair. So those were some factors in my head going into this whole experience. One factor on the side of the movie is that I am not a "the movie better be the book in motion picture" fan. I realize they are two different types of art, two very different ways to communicate ideas. AND, if I wanted to experience Twilight a la Stephenie Meyer, I would have just reread the book. But this was Twilight a la Catherine Hardwick, so I was excited to see where she took it. These were some things in my head going into the experience. So what did I think?
I should start out saying that I really enjoyed myself because I have some tough criticisms,and you might not catch that in everything I have to say. There were some parts I would have done differently, but there were some parts that were so transcendentally better than the book, I was literally breathless. It was geared to a young audience, so I forgave the offenses I had due to my age. The movie felt much more "teen love" rather than "epic love". I was disappointed in that a little. But this is the most difficult part of these kinds of projects. I read the books and took something very personal from them, which was the immense sacrifice that both Bella and Edward took part of for the other. So of course when that part was not the focus of their love story, I missed it. It was there, but I'm talking about my unreal expectations as a previous fan in that example.
I think overall I wish they could have moved away from the book more than they did. I definitely understand the pressure to make the book fans happy, but since I am a fan of the interpretation more than the accuracy, I felt a little like, "yeah, I've read that line before... 5 times... I don't want to hear it". Some of it was good, like the lion and the lamb, and the other was a little redundant like Bella's three lines about how Edward is a vampire, he wants her blood and she loves him. I think it does sum things up really well, but I've just read those lines a lot, so it was a little redundant (like I said ;-)).
Lastly, and this has to do with having too much of the book in there as well, I felt as if there were many many aspects that only Twilight insiders would understand. Again, this is a super hard balance where you will find yourself pleasing no one because book fans want to see the aspects they fell in love with, and new on lookers want things to make sense and not fly over their head. For instance, in the biology scene, instead of wondering what the hell Edward's problem is with Bella because he is acting weird (you aren't supposed to know he wants to kill her), I laughed because of how far they took the pain Edward was in. Part of Edward's character is that he maintains a very firm facade, and that is part of the appeal of the books because you get to peek under it. So seeing Edward flinch like he did was kind of out of character and weird. He was supposed to come off as a jerk who seemed offended at Bella, not as a psychopath. There were a couple of scenes like that where I just basically felt the whole bit was overacted, not a little overacted, severely overacted. But again, in this story which is so focused on passion, how do you draw the line? When does something go from passionate and stirring to cheesy and over the top? I felt like some of the editing and music contributed to that as well.
On the other side of that very coin, however, I was totally caught up in some of the scenes. Instead of flying over my head, they took me up with them. The kiss scene was just. Oh Lord, it just was. I loved how they integrated the whole revealing who Edward really is and how everyone really feels about each other in the one scene in the woods. That went very well and would have taken up way too much space to do separately like it was in the book. The back and forth of the fear and uncertainty, the acceptance, the vulnerability, all of it was just wonderful, with the climax of the mutual understanding that they were falling in love in the worst and most dangerous of circumstances. The setting and chemistry and music was fantastic. I also really really enjoyed the getting to know each other parts that followed. It brought much needed levity. I liked how they had much more fun meeting the Cullen's and Hales than they did in the book. Poor Nicki Reed and Ashley Greene (they play Rosalie and Alice) just got soo much grief. I think they were wonderful. In fact I wasn't much worried about any of the casting with the exception of Jacob.
I am just barely not a Team Jacob fan for Bella, and I am 100% a Team Jacob fan for myself. I was not feeling Taylor Lautner for the part of Jacob. I can't really pin why. However, seeing his performance just sealed the deal. He has just enough chemistry and shyness. He clearly felt inferior to Edward, but I definitely got the sense that he was interested but not hopeful for Bella. I liked how they prematurely started the tension between Jacob and Edward in a "this is more than I'm jealous of you" kind of way. I am actually very excited what they do with Jacob in New Moon whereas before I was not looking forward to it. He carried that part in a way that put my fears about his age and maturity to shame.
I was afraid the villains were going to be over the top, but I liked them. You connected with them, got a real sense of their feeling of superiority. James wasn't evil, he was condescending, and it was his pride that lead him to feel like he could treat Bella as no more than a dinner roll. I really liked how they captured that. I think in that, they allowed us to understand a little that the even though we spend so much time with the Cullen's, that they are in fact the exception, not the rule. Their position is precarious and vulnerable because of their lifestyle. I thought that dynamic was subtle, but I am really glad it was there. It is a depth that I believe is essential for the rest of the series.
I really enjoyed Bella's friends. I had a hard time connecting with them in the books which served my obsession for Edward well. In the movie however, I felt that Bella was more integrated, and that the tension will be a good focal point in later movies. I appreciated more of Angela and less of Jessica as well. Jessica really got on my nerves in the books, so that was a huge relief for me.
So there ya go. Some parts I literally rolled my eyes at, and some parts literally left me speechless and breathless (which makes me want to roll my eyes at myself now). Very very interesting direction. Hardwick took this movie to a place I never expected it to go, not even with all the footage we were allowed to see ahead of time. I don't know how to describe that place, but it was different than expected. It wasn't a cheap imitation of the book, it stood alone as a piece of art. I REALLY liked the indie quality because of what I feared the massive popularity and hype would do to it all. I didn't miss the polish even a little bit. It was totally unexpected, and I loved it!
One last thought. The sparkle. Even in the books I thought this was over the top and ridiculous. Seriously. Sparkles? But I was very impressed by the effect they did for it in the movie. I actually liked it! I thought it enhanced and didn't detract. I could never wrap my mind around that reading the books, so it was a delight to have it done for me in the movies!
Will I see it again? I think I'm gonna have to just to wrap my mind around it. There were so many aspects that were so unexpected (which is a real feat for a movie based so closely on a book). I enjoyed everything so much the first time, though. So it will be no chore, let me assure you!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Goings On
There is kinda a lot going on with me right now. I'll not be worrying about chronological order, FYI. I have to stay up all night tonight because I'm having a sleep deprived EEG in the mornin'. Wed I have an MRI at 8pm. Thurs night I'm going to go see Twilight. Sat I went to The Rose Garden Tea Room that has the best rose petal tea EVER. In your face. Next Mon is my birthday, and I have absolutely no plans (maybe Ill count Twilight as my birthday fete). Thanksgiving is in a week and a half. I desperately need to go to the grocery store. My mom is coming into town soon, as is my father. I don't know how they will share their grandchild time, but I'm sure we will figure it out. I'm not even a little convinced that these tests we are going to run this week on my brain will give us any answers. I knew I had to bite the bullet and go though because I fainted twice in 2 weeks for apparently no reason, so that always merits a visit to the brain doctor. What else? I restarted my "diet" which I've been ignoring for the last several weeks. It always astounds me how full I get with such little food when I eat slowly and take sips between bites. I made awesome pancakes this morning, only to find that we didn't have syrup. Husband was thrilled about that. Oh, more things the husband is thrilled about. According to the brain doctor we need to have all the kids we want to have asap because my pituitary is a ticking time bomb. We both want child #2, we just weren't quite on the child #2 train. We certainly want to hop on before it leaves the station, we just thought we had a little more time to prepare. I'm thinking this might be my last pack of BC. Yay for 6 week long cycles and PMS from Satan himself. I'll not mention some of the vaginal festivities that ensue when not on BC. That should be graphic enough. Did I mention that I am super excited about Twilight? I think it is going to be really really good. I generally like book to movie movies, but some are just bad. Bad bad. So we'll see. However, I've been hearing good things so far. Wanna know how I'm going to spend my entire night trying to battle sleep? I'm going to read the latest installment of the Inheritance Cycle, Brisinger, by Christopher Paolini. I hope I spelled that man's name correctly, and his book. I don't have time to spell check too hard core, I'm at work. Which brings me to my final point.
Drafting is still boring. With the weeks looking like they have and will, I'll stop complaining about it and be grateful for a time.
Drafting is still boring. With the weeks looking like they have and will, I'll stop complaining about it and be grateful for a time.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Weird Dream
I wanted to get this dream down because it was really weird and I never remember my dreams, if I do, it is only for a few seconds. This one has stuck with me all day.
A little background info. I had a childhood friend, Morgan, who for some reason won't reply to my efforts to contact her. She didn't come to my wedding (although, she may have been out of the country, but I never heard from her), and she has ignored a couple of messages I've sent her over facebook. I really am trying not to be petty, but I feel pretty hurt over it. We were friends for 18 years, and then just not friends after graduation. So, the whole situation nags me, apparently enough to dream about it. Here we go.
Morgan finally calls me after all this time of avoidance, and asks if I want to come over to her apt to hang out. I go, but she ends up locking me in there for 2 weeks. In the dream, I don't remember what I do for 2 weeks, I just know, I can't get out, I've tried. Well, she ends up throwing a party at night, but it seems like there is a huge fire somewhere because there is orange everywhere, like the whole party is on fire, but I can't see the fire. I am able to sneak out. My emotions are very similar to what might be a refugee's. I'm panicking, I'm searching for help, I'm terrified she will find me again. I find a woman and she agrees to help me. Morgan ends up finding me, and my heart is just pounding in my ears, I'm terrified. Then I remember that I'm 5'9" and 260 lbs, a lot of which is muscle. I can't be forced to do anything I don't want to do by this 5'4", 120 lbs woman. She comes at me, and I spin her around and hold her arms crossed over her chest pressed to me in a hold she can't get out of. I try to convey that she isn't in danger of retaliation but that this behavior will stop, but I do not speak.
And that is it.
A little background info. I had a childhood friend, Morgan, who for some reason won't reply to my efforts to contact her. She didn't come to my wedding (although, she may have been out of the country, but I never heard from her), and she has ignored a couple of messages I've sent her over facebook. I really am trying not to be petty, but I feel pretty hurt over it. We were friends for 18 years, and then just not friends after graduation. So, the whole situation nags me, apparently enough to dream about it. Here we go.
Morgan finally calls me after all this time of avoidance, and asks if I want to come over to her apt to hang out. I go, but she ends up locking me in there for 2 weeks. In the dream, I don't remember what I do for 2 weeks, I just know, I can't get out, I've tried. Well, she ends up throwing a party at night, but it seems like there is a huge fire somewhere because there is orange everywhere, like the whole party is on fire, but I can't see the fire. I am able to sneak out. My emotions are very similar to what might be a refugee's. I'm panicking, I'm searching for help, I'm terrified she will find me again. I find a woman and she agrees to help me. Morgan ends up finding me, and my heart is just pounding in my ears, I'm terrified. Then I remember that I'm 5'9" and 260 lbs, a lot of which is muscle. I can't be forced to do anything I don't want to do by this 5'4", 120 lbs woman. She comes at me, and I spin her around and hold her arms crossed over her chest pressed to me in a hold she can't get out of. I try to convey that she isn't in danger of retaliation but that this behavior will stop, but I do not speak.
And that is it.
A Friend's Take
A friend wrote an excellent little blog entry that spoke to me here. It is about being a Christian in this nation and how she feels about President Elect, Barack Obama. I really couldn't find much I didn't agree with personally. I really wanted to expound upon this statement she made.
"As Paul put down, I as a Christian serve two kingdoms; the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of whichever ruler God sees fit to hand the reins."
I think Christian's as a whole are confused about America. We seem to have this overwhelming belief and conviction that this is a Christian nation, and it isn't. Iraq is a Muslim nation. That means their laws are directly affected by what the Koran and other holy texts say. Israel is a Hebrew nation which means its laws are affected and based on what the Torah says. That is what it means to be a religious nation. America is a free nation. We are a nation that stands aside any and all religions, but not within them. So for us, as Christians to make laws because something is a sin under one religion or another is not patriotic. It is persecution. The constitution of this great nation bases all of its laws on the rights of a free man. What is humane? What does every person deserve that is within our power to give? What can we do as a government to protect the people under our umbrella? These are questions for our leaders. What we should never expect our leaders to ask is, "What would the God I serve consider sinful, and how should I legislate that?". Why? Because if that leader were an atheist, I don't want them legislating away my relgious rights. If that leader were a Muslim, I don't want them legislating what they consider to be Allah's will. I don't ever want the tables turned on me. So, no, I don't ever want my leaders to legislate what they think is the Christian right.
What I do want is for anyone of any religion is to take that first question, "What is humane?" and fit that into the context of their religious experience and come up with an answer. Let me use the homosexual marriage issue as an example. I do not want law makers looking at this issue and thinking, "Is this a sin?". That is for religious leaders and God to do. I want them to look at it and ask, "What is humane?". The humane answer that has nothing to do with religion is that homosexuals deserve every social right as heterosexuals. Their lifestyle breaks no federal, state, or city law, so therefore they do not deserve to be condemned under that law and kept from the rights I enjoy as a heterosexual. To do anything else is persecution because I am calling them under the law of my religion when I have no right to do that in this nation. As a Christian, I worry about what their eternity will look like, but as an American, I cannot deny rights I enjoy because I think they are sinning, but really they are breaking no American law. I should also say, I do not think there should be any law written to admonish or ban homosexuality in this country. Their lifestyle falls under the context of humane and should therefore be honored, just like we don't put adulterers (and I do not mean to impune the honor of homosexuals by using this example, just to say that Christians consider both of these actions a sin) under American law because what they do is not considered inhumane. It is terribly rude and insulting, but deserves no punishment outside of the direct consequences that typically follow such an act.
Christians, America is not a Christian nation. It's job it to protect and serve human rights, not Christian rights. Stop projecting your faith into legislature, but rather, let your faith raise you higher to always fight for human rights with a stronger conviction than those around you. Let God's love and acceptance find its way into your policies and speeches. Do not compromise, but do not persecute. Saying homosexuals should enjoy every legal and social right that heterosexuals do is not saying that you condone homosexuality. Stopping acting like a fox cornered. When we can live in peace with those we disagree with, we will enjoy the greatest amount of relgious freedom and expression because those around us who disagree won't feel threatened. Christ never kept sinners acountable, he kept his followers(who still sin too, lest we forget) accountable. It is the Father's job to judge, not ours. Never waiver in your beliefs and convictions, but do start treating everyone with the same love and respect you expect and hope to recieve. Fight with love, disagree with understanding, and stand firm upon human rights. This advice I would give to anyone of any religion or creed. I'll leave you with one thought, Christ followers. Sodom and Gamorah were burnt down to the ground. What was the one condition that God gave Abraham in order to save the cities? He said, "Find me ONE honorable person who fears me and I will spare the entire people." Be the one honorable person who fears the Lord. You do the fearing, and let God do the judging.
"As Paul put down, I as a Christian serve two kingdoms; the kingdom of God, and the kingdom of whichever ruler God sees fit to hand the reins."
I think Christian's as a whole are confused about America. We seem to have this overwhelming belief and conviction that this is a Christian nation, and it isn't. Iraq is a Muslim nation. That means their laws are directly affected by what the Koran and other holy texts say. Israel is a Hebrew nation which means its laws are affected and based on what the Torah says. That is what it means to be a religious nation. America is a free nation. We are a nation that stands aside any and all religions, but not within them. So for us, as Christians to make laws because something is a sin under one religion or another is not patriotic. It is persecution. The constitution of this great nation bases all of its laws on the rights of a free man. What is humane? What does every person deserve that is within our power to give? What can we do as a government to protect the people under our umbrella? These are questions for our leaders. What we should never expect our leaders to ask is, "What would the God I serve consider sinful, and how should I legislate that?". Why? Because if that leader were an atheist, I don't want them legislating away my relgious rights. If that leader were a Muslim, I don't want them legislating what they consider to be Allah's will. I don't ever want the tables turned on me. So, no, I don't ever want my leaders to legislate what they think is the Christian right.
What I do want is for anyone of any religion is to take that first question, "What is humane?" and fit that into the context of their religious experience and come up with an answer. Let me use the homosexual marriage issue as an example. I do not want law makers looking at this issue and thinking, "Is this a sin?". That is for religious leaders and God to do. I want them to look at it and ask, "What is humane?". The humane answer that has nothing to do with religion is that homosexuals deserve every social right as heterosexuals. Their lifestyle breaks no federal, state, or city law, so therefore they do not deserve to be condemned under that law and kept from the rights I enjoy as a heterosexual. To do anything else is persecution because I am calling them under the law of my religion when I have no right to do that in this nation. As a Christian, I worry about what their eternity will look like, but as an American, I cannot deny rights I enjoy because I think they are sinning, but really they are breaking no American law. I should also say, I do not think there should be any law written to admonish or ban homosexuality in this country. Their lifestyle falls under the context of humane and should therefore be honored, just like we don't put adulterers (and I do not mean to impune the honor of homosexuals by using this example, just to say that Christians consider both of these actions a sin) under American law because what they do is not considered inhumane. It is terribly rude and insulting, but deserves no punishment outside of the direct consequences that typically follow such an act.
Christians, America is not a Christian nation. It's job it to protect and serve human rights, not Christian rights. Stop projecting your faith into legislature, but rather, let your faith raise you higher to always fight for human rights with a stronger conviction than those around you. Let God's love and acceptance find its way into your policies and speeches. Do not compromise, but do not persecute. Saying homosexuals should enjoy every legal and social right that heterosexuals do is not saying that you condone homosexuality. Stopping acting like a fox cornered. When we can live in peace with those we disagree with, we will enjoy the greatest amount of relgious freedom and expression because those around us who disagree won't feel threatened. Christ never kept sinners acountable, he kept his followers(who still sin too, lest we forget) accountable. It is the Father's job to judge, not ours. Never waiver in your beliefs and convictions, but do start treating everyone with the same love and respect you expect and hope to recieve. Fight with love, disagree with understanding, and stand firm upon human rights. This advice I would give to anyone of any religion or creed. I'll leave you with one thought, Christ followers. Sodom and Gamorah were burnt down to the ground. What was the one condition that God gave Abraham in order to save the cities? He said, "Find me ONE honorable person who fears me and I will spare the entire people." Be the one honorable person who fears the Lord. You do the fearing, and let God do the judging.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Boo Hoo
Usually I'm all boo hoo over having to drop my son off with his aunt. NOT THIS MORNING!
I definitely wish that I could work less so I could be a bigger part of his life. Definitely. It is mornings like this one though that prove to me that full time mommy is not what I want on my resume. If I were rich and I didn't have to work, I would probably still try and figure out something that gave me a little space from my 19 month old. I love him, I adore him, I want to kiss him every waking moment of the day. Today, I am glad to not have to hear his whining. I am glad to not have to be the parent. I am glad to not have to figure out which hill I want do die on. I am glad he is pitching a fit for someone else at this moment. I will be thrilled to pick him up at 5pm and restore my mantle of "Mother". Until then, I am appreciating that I will go to the grocery store on my lunch break and not have to avoid the bananas for fear of the inevitable "NANA!" screaming that would ensue.
I definitely wish that I could work less so I could be a bigger part of his life. Definitely. It is mornings like this one though that prove to me that full time mommy is not what I want on my resume. If I were rich and I didn't have to work, I would probably still try and figure out something that gave me a little space from my 19 month old. I love him, I adore him, I want to kiss him every waking moment of the day. Today, I am glad to not have to hear his whining. I am glad to not have to be the parent. I am glad to not have to figure out which hill I want do die on. I am glad he is pitching a fit for someone else at this moment. I will be thrilled to pick him up at 5pm and restore my mantle of "Mother". Until then, I am appreciating that I will go to the grocery store on my lunch break and not have to avoid the bananas for fear of the inevitable "NANA!" screaming that would ensue.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Again With The Serious
So, in this recent election, there was a proposition to ban gay marriage in the state of California. It passed. People are pissed. And I can see why. And I am still glad it passed. I watched a clip from MSNBC where the guy just reams us who did or who would have voted for it. He just cries from the heart, "WHY?!" I felt compelled to answer him.
Do I think love is absolutely the most important thing ever? YES. Do I think it counts among sinners? YES! Why? Because we are all sinners. So if I were to discount the love of a gay couple, I undermine my own. We are absolutely no different in that. Do I agree with him that the "sanctity of marriage" is barely upheld by the people working so fervently to protect it. Sure do. He is right on that as well. The marriages we Christians do support only end up working out half the time anyway. That's messed up. It needs to be fixed. Doesn't all of this mean I should be okay with homosexuals getting married? No. Marriage currently is a societal term, but more than that, it is a religious term. My marriage has nothing to do with the state or politics. It is a covenant I made between my husband and God, the God of the Hebrews and Christians. It is clear in scripture that homosexuality is an abomination against God. So you cannot bring your abomination to God and ask him to uphold it. And I don't appreciate you using the same title I use to represent a covenant to represent your state title. It's not that I don't want to sully the title of marriage, it's that what you are doing isn't marriage. I would also go so far as to say what a lot of people do isn't marriage. Basically what I'm saying is that I think there should be two words. One describes the covenant I made with God and my husband (religious), and the other describes my social and legal standing with the person I am committed to (state). They were mixed out of convenience since governments started administrating it and I think now they need to be separated.
For example, I got married by my pastor and then I went to the county courthouse and registered my union with the state. One is a religious designation, one is a legal designation.
I think homosexuals deserve all the legal and social benefits I receive by being married. I just don't think they should use a religious term to describe their union.
Do I think love is absolutely the most important thing ever? YES. Do I think it counts among sinners? YES! Why? Because we are all sinners. So if I were to discount the love of a gay couple, I undermine my own. We are absolutely no different in that. Do I agree with him that the "sanctity of marriage" is barely upheld by the people working so fervently to protect it. Sure do. He is right on that as well. The marriages we Christians do support only end up working out half the time anyway. That's messed up. It needs to be fixed. Doesn't all of this mean I should be okay with homosexuals getting married? No. Marriage currently is a societal term, but more than that, it is a religious term. My marriage has nothing to do with the state or politics. It is a covenant I made between my husband and God, the God of the Hebrews and Christians. It is clear in scripture that homosexuality is an abomination against God. So you cannot bring your abomination to God and ask him to uphold it. And I don't appreciate you using the same title I use to represent a covenant to represent your state title. It's not that I don't want to sully the title of marriage, it's that what you are doing isn't marriage. I would also go so far as to say what a lot of people do isn't marriage. Basically what I'm saying is that I think there should be two words. One describes the covenant I made with God and my husband (religious), and the other describes my social and legal standing with the person I am committed to (state). They were mixed out of convenience since governments started administrating it and I think now they need to be separated.
For example, I got married by my pastor and then I went to the county courthouse and registered my union with the state. One is a religious designation, one is a legal designation.
I think homosexuals deserve all the legal and social benefits I receive by being married. I just don't think they should use a religious term to describe their union.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Abortion Statement #2
Check out my previous post on this.
I just watched an edited video of the Rick Warren question session with Obama and McCain re: Abortion, and his question helped me to figure out a way to sum up my belief.
When does a baby get Human rights?
At the moment of conception
When does a baby get legal rights?
At the moment of birth
What that means to me is that the embryo inside a mother is to be respected, revered, and protected second to the mother. Once it is born, it is a citizen of the US, and it deserves every right and privilege that citizenship has to offer. Then it is equal to it's mother and every other US citizen.
I just watched an edited video of the Rick Warren question session with Obama and McCain re: Abortion, and his question helped me to figure out a way to sum up my belief.
When does a baby get Human rights?
At the moment of conception
When does a baby get legal rights?
At the moment of birth
What that means to me is that the embryo inside a mother is to be respected, revered, and protected second to the mother. Once it is born, it is a citizen of the US, and it deserves every right and privilege that citizenship has to offer. Then it is equal to it's mother and every other US citizen.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Plunge
First of all, why is it so difficult to write about ANY issue on an anonymous blog? Well let's talk about the power of religion. I am a very very spiritual person. I think Jesus is awesome. I love him, and I would die for him. Almost all of my goals in life are centered around him. I am trying desperately to be closer to him. With that said, I've recently realized (and it was the catalyst for this blog) that it is really really difficult to have your own opinion when you fellowship with a bunch of religious people. Why? Because a differing opinion could mean that I love God and you do not. And a great great great deal of the time that is how it feels.
Hypothetically (HA) there is this leader in the church and they say drinking alcohol is sinful. They had prayed about it, they have studied it in scripture, they are convinced that drinking alcohol is sinful. Because they are a leader, so then must you. It doesn't matter that you studied it and actually found references where it is encouraged (not only Jesus' first miracle of turning water into wine, but my fave is Song of Songs 1:2 insinuating that wine is awesome). It doesn't matter that you've prayed about and feel peace about it. It doesn't matter. That religious leader said no, so therefore you must say no. What this leads to is a bunch of people who only care about a certain issue because someone told them to. Not only does that mean a lot of work for that leader, because re-convincing people something is evil/good can be hard work, but now all these people are judging those around them that disagree for no real reason. Most importantly, their relationship with the Holy Spirit has been hindered, not strengthened (which I believe is the real work of the church leadership - teach people how to have a relationship with God, NOT teach them how they should be living their lives. If they are communing with God, he will take care of that) *stepping off soap box*
So to have opinions on abortion that even slightly differ from ABSOLUTELY NOT can feel daunting. It feels stifling. Basically, all my friends, if they knew how I really felt, would label me a baby killer, which is not what I am. And I hate that. I hate that a lot. I know that no group of people is perfect, and I absolutely love my group of friends, but abortion is a closed book issue. I've never had an abortion and probably never will. Also, I will probably never encourage someone to have an abortion, and I will probably go a step further and beg them not to do it. There are some things about the mega right wing conservative Christian way of looking at this that do bother me, however surprising that may be.
Here is what I understand to be the Pro-life abortion creed. Life starts at conception. Any time you take life is considered murder, and on that premise, abortion should be illegal. I mean, it is pretty straight forward.
Here is what I understand to be the Pro-choice abortion creed. I have the right to make whatever choice I want to make. I do not consider a fetus alive (but that doesn't mean I don't value it) and therefore can with a clear conscience decide whether or not to end my pregnancy based on what is happening in my life at this moment.
I don't agree with either of those statements.
Before I start trying to explain what I do believe. Let me upfront about the fact that MUCH of what I believe lies in the bed of religious conviction. I have both studied this and prayed about it. I am not 100% settled on my opinion, but I am pretty convinced.
I believe a person isn't a person until they are no longer dependent on the mother for life. I believe they are JUST barely not a person. I believe they have a soul and a spirit, and I believe if they die in the uterus they still go before God to be judged. Tricky isn't. (I'm gonna start leaving out the believe part. Its annoying. Ill just state what I think as fact, and you just understand that all this is, is a fact that I believe) Basically, even if you don't believe a person is a person no matter how small, the fact is they will be. And that thing that isn't a person deserves your care and respect.
When conception occurs, biologically, its like hiking Mount Everest. I won't go into it, but ask the millions of women having trouble conceiving. It is difficult. It takes so many factors to line up perfectly to conceive a baby, let alone grow the baby, birth the baby, and then keep the baby alive unprotected by your abdomen. I just can't believe that the thing formed at conception isn't important, vitally important. I mean VITALLY important to the human race.
When you decide to have sex you know two things, 1) it feels great 2) I am doing the only thing I can do to create a baby. Whatever you believe about sex and marriage, it is always true that you can get pregnant having sex. If you are adult enough to have sex. you are adult enough to deal with ALL the consequences that come with it. Abortion as a means of birth control is absolutely 100% ridiculous. It infuriates me. The thought that we can get out of something because a consequence we knew would probably happen happened is disgusting to me. No birth control is 100%. Having an abortion because you were irresponsible and participated in an action that you were not fully ready to embrace the consequences of is childish. Again, if you are not adult enough to deal with the consequences of sex, you should not be having it. So teens that were having sex and WHOOPS got pregnant need to deal with it. Ladies who are on the fast track to their amazing career and WHOOPS get pregnant need to deal with it. Put on your big girl panties. What I am NOT meaning to insinuate is that you should keep the baby. I do not mean to say that sex=motherhood. What I mean to say is that sex=baby, and you need to deal with that. If you are willing to take the risk, fine, be willing to take the consequence. The idea of a people doing something and completely ignoring the natural consequences of it is gross and immoral no matter your religion or lack thereof. There should always be jail for theft. There should always be celebration for successful potty training. There should always be every attempt to keep a baby alive when impregnated.
What about babies with birth defects that will hinder them in life or will cause death immediately outside the womb? Trickier. Because I believe in a God, I believe it is his job to decided when to create someone and when to end their life. From a much less religious perspective, a doctor's job is to save people (or those that will be people). By the nature of their job, they work tirelessly to enhance life, to protect life, and in many many cases, save life. Do no harm. When an abortion is done, there is much harm done. For a doctor or a parent to decide to do harm is a weighty decision that should never be done lightly. Letting a doctor due harm because you are afraid of the course nature might take is not okay. If a baby dies 3 min after birth, I would think as a parent, you would want those 3 min. Death should not be our decision. It isn't a totally un-religious point of view, but it is less so than "Let's leave the dirty work to God." Would you ever look at a blind person and expect them to say, "I wish I had never been born?" I wouldn't, and I think neither would most people. What is most difficult about this aspect of abortion is that because of technology, we can keep people alive that never would have made it otherwise. Because we are immensely blessed we can support the weaker vessels in society where as in the Congo, if you can't run, you lose. I don't think this blessing should mean we are allowed to believe that a life just isn't worth living if it isn't easy and simple.
Okay, so what about Mom's health? Trickiest. Here is where I differ from Pro-lifer's. I don't think fetuses should have equal or more rights than the mom caring for it. I don't think it is wise to make a law saying, "I protect you baby, but not you mom." I don't think it is biblical or godly or morally correct. If a mom is dying, why should she remain pregnant? Obviously I think every option should be looked at to keep mother and baby alive, but in the event that the mom is going to die, the baby needs to come out. If that is at 16 weeks, it will probably die, which is tragic, but not as tragic as losing the mother. If that is at 33 weeks, then there is a good chance everyone is going to be okay. But that isn't considered abortion, it is considered birth and then fetal demise if the baby doesn't survive. I don't really think there should be a difference. The baby comes out, it is born. The baby should come out naturally. The baby should be taken out unnaturally if either the baby or the mother is in danger of death. I also extend this to ectopic pregnancies. It is foolish and bad for the human race to force women to carry babies that will at the very least kill the baby and cause the women to be infertile. At the very worst they both die. Foolish foolish foolish. Babies dependant on their mothers should not have rights equal to their mothers. I do not consider mental health to be covered in this umbrella. Again, if you thought having a baby would unhinge you mentally, you should not have been having sex.
Last but certainly not least, rape. Totally fair question. I also disagree with pro-lifers here. Kinda. :-) To me this is the major infringement of church and state. Having a conviction of the sanctity of life doesn't make you a Christian. It doesn't even make you religious. But telling someone they have to carry a child that is a direct result of abuse is not okay. This is not a consequence of their actions. This is not a selfish decision. This is not the order of nature. As a Christian, I would carry the baby because I believe God put that baby inside of me. But to force a non Christian to do the same, I believe, is persecution because they are not Christian. They believe a child is the biological consequence of sex. Sex they did not agree to. Sex that was probably very damaging. There is absolutely no humane reason a woman that was abused should carry the resulting child. I think I would because of religious reasons and convictions, but to force those on another woman without those convictions is wrong and unAmerican and like I said, I believe, persecution.
So, for the most part, I think abortion is inhumane. I also think to consider an unborn baby to have more rights than a mother is also inhumane. I don't know how I would want that specifically legislated, but I do know that I want abortion highly highly restricted.
There I said it. I would also like to say that I'm not editing this heavily because of the reason I started my blog. I want to respect my opinion. I don't want my opinion to be swayed by fear of anything or anyone but God. I'm afraid that if I re-read this too close I will chicken out, so forgive the grammar and spelling mistakes.
[ETA] I forgot to run the spell check, but didn't change the content. Just trying to stay accountable to myself.
Hypothetically (HA) there is this leader in the church and they say drinking alcohol is sinful. They had prayed about it, they have studied it in scripture, they are convinced that drinking alcohol is sinful. Because they are a leader, so then must you. It doesn't matter that you studied it and actually found references where it is encouraged (not only Jesus' first miracle of turning water into wine, but my fave is Song of Songs 1:2 insinuating that wine is awesome). It doesn't matter that you've prayed about and feel peace about it. It doesn't matter. That religious leader said no, so therefore you must say no. What this leads to is a bunch of people who only care about a certain issue because someone told them to. Not only does that mean a lot of work for that leader, because re-convincing people something is evil/good can be hard work, but now all these people are judging those around them that disagree for no real reason. Most importantly, their relationship with the Holy Spirit has been hindered, not strengthened (which I believe is the real work of the church leadership - teach people how to have a relationship with God, NOT teach them how they should be living their lives. If they are communing with God, he will take care of that) *stepping off soap box*
So to have opinions on abortion that even slightly differ from ABSOLUTELY NOT can feel daunting. It feels stifling. Basically, all my friends, if they knew how I really felt, would label me a baby killer, which is not what I am. And I hate that. I hate that a lot. I know that no group of people is perfect, and I absolutely love my group of friends, but abortion is a closed book issue. I've never had an abortion and probably never will. Also, I will probably never encourage someone to have an abortion, and I will probably go a step further and beg them not to do it. There are some things about the mega right wing conservative Christian way of looking at this that do bother me, however surprising that may be.
Here is what I understand to be the Pro-life abortion creed. Life starts at conception. Any time you take life is considered murder, and on that premise, abortion should be illegal. I mean, it is pretty straight forward.
Here is what I understand to be the Pro-choice abortion creed. I have the right to make whatever choice I want to make. I do not consider a fetus alive (but that doesn't mean I don't value it) and therefore can with a clear conscience decide whether or not to end my pregnancy based on what is happening in my life at this moment.
I don't agree with either of those statements.
Before I start trying to explain what I do believe. Let me upfront about the fact that MUCH of what I believe lies in the bed of religious conviction. I have both studied this and prayed about it. I am not 100% settled on my opinion, but I am pretty convinced.
I believe a person isn't a person until they are no longer dependent on the mother for life. I believe they are JUST barely not a person. I believe they have a soul and a spirit, and I believe if they die in the uterus they still go before God to be judged. Tricky isn't. (I'm gonna start leaving out the believe part. Its annoying. Ill just state what I think as fact, and you just understand that all this is, is a fact that I believe) Basically, even if you don't believe a person is a person no matter how small, the fact is they will be. And that thing that isn't a person deserves your care and respect.
When conception occurs, biologically, its like hiking Mount Everest. I won't go into it, but ask the millions of women having trouble conceiving. It is difficult. It takes so many factors to line up perfectly to conceive a baby, let alone grow the baby, birth the baby, and then keep the baby alive unprotected by your abdomen. I just can't believe that the thing formed at conception isn't important, vitally important. I mean VITALLY important to the human race.
When you decide to have sex you know two things, 1) it feels great 2) I am doing the only thing I can do to create a baby. Whatever you believe about sex and marriage, it is always true that you can get pregnant having sex. If you are adult enough to have sex. you are adult enough to deal with ALL the consequences that come with it. Abortion as a means of birth control is absolutely 100% ridiculous. It infuriates me. The thought that we can get out of something because a consequence we knew would probably happen happened is disgusting to me. No birth control is 100%. Having an abortion because you were irresponsible and participated in an action that you were not fully ready to embrace the consequences of is childish. Again, if you are not adult enough to deal with the consequences of sex, you should not be having it. So teens that were having sex and WHOOPS got pregnant need to deal with it. Ladies who are on the fast track to their amazing career and WHOOPS get pregnant need to deal with it. Put on your big girl panties. What I am NOT meaning to insinuate is that you should keep the baby. I do not mean to say that sex=motherhood. What I mean to say is that sex=baby, and you need to deal with that. If you are willing to take the risk, fine, be willing to take the consequence. The idea of a people doing something and completely ignoring the natural consequences of it is gross and immoral no matter your religion or lack thereof. There should always be jail for theft. There should always be celebration for successful potty training. There should always be every attempt to keep a baby alive when impregnated.
What about babies with birth defects that will hinder them in life or will cause death immediately outside the womb? Trickier. Because I believe in a God, I believe it is his job to decided when to create someone and when to end their life. From a much less religious perspective, a doctor's job is to save people (or those that will be people). By the nature of their job, they work tirelessly to enhance life, to protect life, and in many many cases, save life. Do no harm. When an abortion is done, there is much harm done. For a doctor or a parent to decide to do harm is a weighty decision that should never be done lightly. Letting a doctor due harm because you are afraid of the course nature might take is not okay. If a baby dies 3 min after birth, I would think as a parent, you would want those 3 min. Death should not be our decision. It isn't a totally un-religious point of view, but it is less so than "Let's leave the dirty work to God." Would you ever look at a blind person and expect them to say, "I wish I had never been born?" I wouldn't, and I think neither would most people. What is most difficult about this aspect of abortion is that because of technology, we can keep people alive that never would have made it otherwise. Because we are immensely blessed we can support the weaker vessels in society where as in the Congo, if you can't run, you lose. I don't think this blessing should mean we are allowed to believe that a life just isn't worth living if it isn't easy and simple.
Okay, so what about Mom's health? Trickiest. Here is where I differ from Pro-lifer's. I don't think fetuses should have equal or more rights than the mom caring for it. I don't think it is wise to make a law saying, "I protect you baby, but not you mom." I don't think it is biblical or godly or morally correct. If a mom is dying, why should she remain pregnant? Obviously I think every option should be looked at to keep mother and baby alive, but in the event that the mom is going to die, the baby needs to come out. If that is at 16 weeks, it will probably die, which is tragic, but not as tragic as losing the mother. If that is at 33 weeks, then there is a good chance everyone is going to be okay. But that isn't considered abortion, it is considered birth and then fetal demise if the baby doesn't survive. I don't really think there should be a difference. The baby comes out, it is born. The baby should come out naturally. The baby should be taken out unnaturally if either the baby or the mother is in danger of death. I also extend this to ectopic pregnancies. It is foolish and bad for the human race to force women to carry babies that will at the very least kill the baby and cause the women to be infertile. At the very worst they both die. Foolish foolish foolish. Babies dependant on their mothers should not have rights equal to their mothers. I do not consider mental health to be covered in this umbrella. Again, if you thought having a baby would unhinge you mentally, you should not have been having sex.
Last but certainly not least, rape. Totally fair question. I also disagree with pro-lifers here. Kinda. :-) To me this is the major infringement of church and state. Having a conviction of the sanctity of life doesn't make you a Christian. It doesn't even make you religious. But telling someone they have to carry a child that is a direct result of abuse is not okay. This is not a consequence of their actions. This is not a selfish decision. This is not the order of nature. As a Christian, I would carry the baby because I believe God put that baby inside of me. But to force a non Christian to do the same, I believe, is persecution because they are not Christian. They believe a child is the biological consequence of sex. Sex they did not agree to. Sex that was probably very damaging. There is absolutely no humane reason a woman that was abused should carry the resulting child. I think I would because of religious reasons and convictions, but to force those on another woman without those convictions is wrong and unAmerican and like I said, I believe, persecution.
So, for the most part, I think abortion is inhumane. I also think to consider an unborn baby to have more rights than a mother is also inhumane. I don't know how I would want that specifically legislated, but I do know that I want abortion highly highly restricted.
There I said it. I would also like to say that I'm not editing this heavily because of the reason I started my blog. I want to respect my opinion. I don't want my opinion to be swayed by fear of anything or anyone but God. I'm afraid that if I re-read this too close I will chicken out, so forgive the grammar and spelling mistakes.
[ETA] I forgot to run the spell check, but didn't change the content. Just trying to stay accountable to myself.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
French Toast
I made 2 loaves of Challah bread this weekend, gave one to The Prayer Room for a Lord's supper I didn't go to (I was in a MAJOR funk this weekend). I saw that they had two BOXES of rolls to feed 10-20 people, so I kept a loaf. I might feel guilty about it, but the plan was to make this baked french toast. And I will never feel guilty about baked french toast. Then we ran out of both milk and eggs on Sun. Boo. Well Husband came to the rescue and went to the store yesterday to refill our supplies. What did I discover in the meantime? Toasted Challah with butter and honey.
Dammit.
Now I'll never get baked french toast with Challah.
And I really need to get to work. I need to push it to the MAX! GARH!!
Also, I'm reading Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Me likes. I have ramen noodles for lunch and I'm not excited about that. Wish I had butter, honey, and challah. I had a big conversation with Warren last night. Could have gone dreadful, but we both did very well and ended on a good note. Nothing is changing, just am glad he understands how I feel. Matthew likes when I read to him. We only have one book right now, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Suess. I plan on going shopping today or tomorrow to get that kid some winter clothes.
And I desperately need to get back to work!
Ack, one more thing. I love love love Smitten Kitchen. The French Laundry at Home is my motivator for getting down and dirty in the kitchen, but Smitten Kitchen supplies the recipes! (I figured since I've got two of her posts in one of mine, I should bring up this blissful blog! *drool*)
WORK!
Dammit.
Now I'll never get baked french toast with Challah.
And I really need to get to work. I need to push it to the MAX! GARH!!
Also, I'm reading Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Me likes. I have ramen noodles for lunch and I'm not excited about that. Wish I had butter, honey, and challah. I had a big conversation with Warren last night. Could have gone dreadful, but we both did very well and ended on a good note. Nothing is changing, just am glad he understands how I feel. Matthew likes when I read to him. We only have one book right now, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Suess. I plan on going shopping today or tomorrow to get that kid some winter clothes.
And I desperately need to get back to work!
Ack, one more thing. I love love love Smitten Kitchen. The French Laundry at Home is my motivator for getting down and dirty in the kitchen, but Smitten Kitchen supplies the recipes! (I figured since I've got two of her posts in one of mine, I should bring up this blissful blog! *drool*)
WORK!
Not Much to Report
You know what would be really fun for me right now? I would like to take some time and go read to my elderly Grandpa. He is a fantastic quiet man who is suffering from old. He is just too damn old. Obviously, I'm not in the "let's live as long as we possibly can" camp. I'm more in the "If I pee on myself, I'm taking an enthusiastic tumble down the stairs" camp. But that is probably more do to the fact that I'm young. Maybe, as with most things, age will give me perspective.
I quite like reading aloud to people. The sound of my own voice makes me happy. I'm just that kind of lady. I like sharing a good story with others. I like to convey my excitement through my voice to make them excited. I also like to think I'm pretty good at it. My only measurement is against my husband who doesn't like roller coasters because they are boring. Uh huh. So if I can get him interested and even a step past that, slightly excited, I know I'm doing a pretty good job. What I mean to say about that is, I'm glad he tolerates it because I really like doing it.
I think Grandpa would like it because he is bed-ridden. He is lonely and bored. He can't do much but listen since the shaking due to Parkinson's makes it hard for him to speak, move, crochet (not that he can) or do anything except watch TV. And you know I'm more entertaining than the news right now. All they can think to talk about is money and politics, neither which affect him much anymore. However, he lives in Oklahoma, I live in (fat) Texas, and I have other responsibilities that keep me from it. Maybe I'll take a day. The man deserves it, that's for sure.
Anyway, I wrote all that because I don't have much else to report. Matthew is still the cutest monster. Warren is still the best husband. I still have the best job I can get (that I know of). Life is good, and I am bored. :-) How bout that?
I wished I liked reading the Bible more than I do.....
I quite like reading aloud to people. The sound of my own voice makes me happy. I'm just that kind of lady. I like sharing a good story with others. I like to convey my excitement through my voice to make them excited. I also like to think I'm pretty good at it. My only measurement is against my husband who doesn't like roller coasters because they are boring. Uh huh. So if I can get him interested and even a step past that, slightly excited, I know I'm doing a pretty good job. What I mean to say about that is, I'm glad he tolerates it because I really like doing it.
I think Grandpa would like it because he is bed-ridden. He is lonely and bored. He can't do much but listen since the shaking due to Parkinson's makes it hard for him to speak, move, crochet (not that he can) or do anything except watch TV. And you know I'm more entertaining than the news right now. All they can think to talk about is money and politics, neither which affect him much anymore. However, he lives in Oklahoma, I live in (fat) Texas, and I have other responsibilities that keep me from it. Maybe I'll take a day. The man deserves it, that's for sure.
Anyway, I wrote all that because I don't have much else to report. Matthew is still the cutest monster. Warren is still the best husband. I still have the best job I can get (that I know of). Life is good, and I am bored. :-) How bout that?
I wished I liked reading the Bible more than I do.....
Friday, October 24, 2008
Unsatisfied
Bleck. I hate this feeling. To tell on my mother a little bit, she lives fairly unsatisfied. It drives me crazy. When I was young, but old enough to appreciate it, she went on a business trip to Europe. To call it a business trip was just down right insulting. It was a paid vacation. 2 weeks of EUROPE. I hadn't been, but I was smart enough to know that I should be jealous jealous jealous (and I was). She came back, and I was thirsting more for tales of her journey than a hug. Her response to my rather obvious question, "How was it?!".
"Fine, but the trains are HORRIBLE."
What kind of answer is that? How was Paris? Did you go to the Louvre? You were in Switzerland. Tell me about the chocolate you had by the lake! Dammit woman, give me ROMANCE!
Obviously she didn't deliver and left me very unsatisfied with her dissatisfaction.
So now I want to just kick myself for being unsatisfied with life. Bored. Grumpy. Not Satisfied.
"Fine, but the trains are HORRIBLE."
What kind of answer is that? How was Paris? Did you go to the Louvre? You were in Switzerland. Tell me about the chocolate you had by the lake! Dammit woman, give me ROMANCE!
Obviously she didn't deliver and left me very unsatisfied with her dissatisfaction.
So now I want to just kick myself for being unsatisfied with life. Bored. Grumpy. Not Satisfied.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Dragging
I am dragging. I feel like my face is drooping like a basset hounds. Guess how much sleep I got last night? That's right, 9 hours. I had a HUGE cup of coffee this morning. Helped about as much as a feather pillow. Having one night of restless sleep is one thing, but this has been going on for weeks now. Except it wasn't restless. I slept like a rock. Am I anemic? I really don't think so. At this point though, I'm not ruling anything out. I WebMD-ed fatigue and fainting. That was helpful. I deserve no more than I got though. Cheapies like myself with what seem to be rather large problems shouldn't be able to find the answer on the interest. I should go to a professional.
It is just that I know exactly how this will go. "You are tired and you fainted? Let's get some blood work." "Oh, you also have a brain tumor? Well even though you aren't showing one symptom related to that, we'd better get an MRI anyway." So I get my blood sucked, pay out the butt for an MRI, and the results end up, "Yeah, you have a benign thyroid condition. Deal with it" Or something like that.
The conclusions I'm coming to? I'm cheap. I'm lazy. I don't really want to find out about yet another problem I might have. I don't really want to pay to be told what I was prepared to do anyway; deal with it. If I could get another symptom, that would help, like another fainting spell. You just can't ignore chronic fatigue AND fainting. If I weren't almost positive that I am not pregnant, I would swear I was pregnant. That is what I'll do. I'll go see a Dr. when the symptoms are worse than feeling pregnant, because not much except a real potent disease feels worse than that.
*drag*
It is just that I know exactly how this will go. "You are tired and you fainted? Let's get some blood work." "Oh, you also have a brain tumor? Well even though you aren't showing one symptom related to that, we'd better get an MRI anyway." So I get my blood sucked, pay out the butt for an MRI, and the results end up, "Yeah, you have a benign thyroid condition. Deal with it" Or something like that.
The conclusions I'm coming to? I'm cheap. I'm lazy. I don't really want to find out about yet another problem I might have. I don't really want to pay to be told what I was prepared to do anyway; deal with it. If I could get another symptom, that would help, like another fainting spell. You just can't ignore chronic fatigue AND fainting. If I weren't almost positive that I am not pregnant, I would swear I was pregnant. That is what I'll do. I'll go see a Dr. when the symptoms are worse than feeling pregnant, because not much except a real potent disease feels worse than that.
*drag*
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Comments!
Holy moly. I just found 2 comments on this thing. One was from a fellow back in Sept and the other was from the other day from the one and only Carol Blymire. Yeah, she freaked my freak in the non freaky way. Yes, I had to go there. You liked it.
I think it just cracks me up because this thing is kinda supposed to be a secret. How does a stranger and a person you look up to end up leaving comments? Really, I have an idea, I just don't want to get into it. I would rather muse about writing. Flipping through the posts I've written, I'm realizing that this is kinda fun. Some times I write about serious things. Sometimes I write about less serious things. I don't really use this as a way to vent, that is what Warren is for. He is an excellent sounding board. I don't really use this as venue to push an agenda. No one reads it, and I'm certainly no promoting it.
I guess I'm just taking a moment to look back and realize that this blog is serving its intended purpose. I am writing more. I am forming an opinion and "publishing" it. And I'm still doing this with almost no liability, which is something I like to think I need right now.
I think I'll take it up a notch and write about things I'm unsure about. Like Abortion? Hm. I don't know.
What I do know is that a stroll down to the cookie store is becoming so tempting that Im actually slouching in my chair. How is that for deep, insightful, truthful, and life changing?! I thought so.
I think it just cracks me up because this thing is kinda supposed to be a secret. How does a stranger and a person you look up to end up leaving comments? Really, I have an idea, I just don't want to get into it. I would rather muse about writing. Flipping through the posts I've written, I'm realizing that this is kinda fun. Some times I write about serious things. Sometimes I write about less serious things. I don't really use this as a way to vent, that is what Warren is for. He is an excellent sounding board. I don't really use this as venue to push an agenda. No one reads it, and I'm certainly no promoting it.
I guess I'm just taking a moment to look back and realize that this blog is serving its intended purpose. I am writing more. I am forming an opinion and "publishing" it. And I'm still doing this with almost no liability, which is something I like to think I need right now.
I think I'll take it up a notch and write about things I'm unsure about. Like Abortion? Hm. I don't know.
What I do know is that a stroll down to the cookie store is becoming so tempting that Im actually slouching in my chair. How is that for deep, insightful, truthful, and life changing?! I thought so.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Here is a fun fact!
Men's Fitness has ranked the fittest and fattest cities in America. I live in a suburb of both Dallas and Fort Worth. You might never expect a SUBURB to make this list. Well, you would be wrong. Fort Worth takes slot no.4 and Dallas no. 6. I thought to myself, "I guess I can take that avg and that would be what my city would rank since I live right in the middle"(which would be bad enough) never DREAMING a SUBURB would make their list. Well, I went to check out the other cities on the list and saw "Arlington" at the top. Surely that is not the Arlington I live in. Surely they mean a different Arlington. SURELY living between no.4 and no. 6 is bad enough. SURELY we are not NO. 2!!!! Here is our report card. It is a hard truth.
3 of the top 10 fattest cities are in one metroplex, my metroplex. 6 of the top 10 fattest cities are in one state, my state. Ladies and gentlemen, I know we've all heard it before, but I'm having a moment, bigger is not necessarily better.
I love Texas, and I had heard something like this before. Now that I know the cold hard truth, I am blown away (well, not really, its hard to blow down a fatty like myself, specially blocked by all the other fatties around me). I'm currently on a weight loss mission, so I'm not in that whole denial, hey that is funny, frame of mind right now. I'm in a, this totally sucks and how is that even frickin' possible and what about DFW makes us collectively the fattest metroplex in the nation?! frame of mind. There is A LOT that falls on the shoulders of each individual in the way of personal responsibility. But COME ON! How can one metroplex be so unhealthy and it not be on the shoulders of someone else as well? How do we as a whole just end up so stinkin' fat? I for one am all for increased restaurant rates and decreased health food rates. Something. Anything. To be near or in a city on that list is a real eye opener. To be near or in 3, well. That is just shameful. Makes me want to move to Minneapolis (no.2 fittest city). I've been there before, it is wonderful. I didn't note that it was particularly healthy, but Ill pay better attention when I'm house hunting.
There is one thing I HAVE to say in defense of their report card. They had this to say about the residents of Arlington, "Arlington residents are 92 percent less likely than average to go cross-country skiing. That's the 4th lowest rate in our survey." Lets take a stroll down geography lane. Arlington in located in North Texas. It has an avg snowfall of 2" a year. We spend several weeks of each summer in the triple digits. Seems to me like the only two thing necessary for cross country skiing are flat spaces (which, admittedly, we have in abundance) and at the very least SNOW. I should note as an actual resident of Arlington, I find that 2" statistic hard to swallow, unless of course you are counting ice, then yes, MAYBE we get 2" of cold shit on the ground. Come on! Of course we don't cross country ski! Maybe we could pay to have snow shipped in and then we wouldn't be fat anymore.
In all truth, they are building a ski resort somewhere near by. Yup, an indoor ski resort in TEXAS. Which was once a part of MEXICO. Which is where people go to get drunk and tan. Not ski. I'm just saying. Maybe they can ski in Mexico, but I promise they would rather be drunk and tan.
If I weren't already on a weight loss mission (and doing pretty well if I say so myself) I would start today. Now I am going to enjoy my hummus and pita chip snack. YUM!
3 of the top 10 fattest cities are in one metroplex, my metroplex. 6 of the top 10 fattest cities are in one state, my state. Ladies and gentlemen, I know we've all heard it before, but I'm having a moment, bigger is not necessarily better.
I love Texas, and I had heard something like this before. Now that I know the cold hard truth, I am blown away (well, not really, its hard to blow down a fatty like myself, specially blocked by all the other fatties around me). I'm currently on a weight loss mission, so I'm not in that whole denial, hey that is funny, frame of mind right now. I'm in a, this totally sucks and how is that even frickin' possible and what about DFW makes us collectively the fattest metroplex in the nation?! frame of mind. There is A LOT that falls on the shoulders of each individual in the way of personal responsibility. But COME ON! How can one metroplex be so unhealthy and it not be on the shoulders of someone else as well? How do we as a whole just end up so stinkin' fat? I for one am all for increased restaurant rates and decreased health food rates. Something. Anything. To be near or in a city on that list is a real eye opener. To be near or in 3, well. That is just shameful. Makes me want to move to Minneapolis (no.2 fittest city). I've been there before, it is wonderful. I didn't note that it was particularly healthy, but Ill pay better attention when I'm house hunting.
There is one thing I HAVE to say in defense of their report card. They had this to say about the residents of Arlington, "Arlington residents are 92 percent less likely than average to go cross-country skiing. That's the 4th lowest rate in our survey." Lets take a stroll down geography lane. Arlington in located in North Texas. It has an avg snowfall of 2" a year. We spend several weeks of each summer in the triple digits. Seems to me like the only two thing necessary for cross country skiing are flat spaces (which, admittedly, we have in abundance) and at the very least SNOW. I should note as an actual resident of Arlington, I find that 2" statistic hard to swallow, unless of course you are counting ice, then yes, MAYBE we get 2" of cold shit on the ground. Come on! Of course we don't cross country ski! Maybe we could pay to have snow shipped in and then we wouldn't be fat anymore.
In all truth, they are building a ski resort somewhere near by. Yup, an indoor ski resort in TEXAS. Which was once a part of MEXICO. Which is where people go to get drunk and tan. Not ski. I'm just saying. Maybe they can ski in Mexico, but I promise they would rather be drunk and tan.
If I weren't already on a weight loss mission (and doing pretty well if I say so myself) I would start today. Now I am going to enjoy my hummus and pita chip snack. YUM!
Friday, October 10, 2008
She's Out For the Count!
I was just working along around 2pm yesterday and then I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. Right away. So I quickly got to the throne and then felt like I was gonna throw up. I picked up the trash can and then felt like I was going to faint. Well, when I woke up with a sore tongue(I bit it) on the rug in the company bathroom with my drawers around my ankles, it took me a min to figure out which feeling won. Thankfully there was not a tie because that would have been super gross. I got up much too quickly (even after lying there for 5 min praying no one would need to use the restroom and then knock and then I would have to tell them they really could not come in to help me since they would hear in my voice that all was not well), I finished up, then I promptly went to lie down in the back. The trash from the bin I dropped when I fainted was still all over the place. I did not care. I laid there until Warren came and got me and took me home.
I was perfectly fine every second of the day before that, and except feeling very weak, every second after. WHY did I faint? Hm? I'm not pregnant. I didn't do anything funny. I had eaten that day. Why? I never felt bad and still don't feel bad. I am sleepy even after a full nights rest every night this week, but that is it. I'm sleepy. And I fainted. What is the deal?!
Anyway, now I feel woozy talking about this.
I was perfectly fine every second of the day before that, and except feeling very weak, every second after. WHY did I faint? Hm? I'm not pregnant. I didn't do anything funny. I had eaten that day. Why? I never felt bad and still don't feel bad. I am sleepy even after a full nights rest every night this week, but that is it. I'm sleepy. And I fainted. What is the deal?!
Anyway, now I feel woozy talking about this.
The French Laundry at Home
I fell absolutely head over heels in love with this blog some time ago. It is called "The French Laundry at Home". Hopefully you are more cultured than I am, and that title makes sense to you, but for those more like me, I'll explain. Apparently there is this coffee table cook book called the French Laundry. By that I mean most people look through it, not try and make anything out of it. It is Thomas Keller's book named after his famous restaurant. It is gourmet. I mean super gourmet. It is not as scary super gourmet as this woman's net project, Alinea at Home. Close enough I say. Apparently Alinea is about coking sous vide. I'm so unfamiliar with that, I'm not even sure if I spelled it correctly, nor do I care. Ms. Blymire just published her last recipe for TFLAH and seemed like she had quite a good time doing so. It really was quite a successful project for her.
I left her a rather lengthy comment talking about a number of things, but at the end I started to tell her about how her blog was shaping my life. I thought I would finish the thought here since I didn't want to leave such a huge comment in her comment section.
I haven't tried, and have no ambition to try any of the recipes in TFL soon. For one, they scare me silly. That might seem like I haven't learned a thing from TFLAH, but I have, believe me. But they are much too big for me. I'm still trying to get roasting a chicken down and making stock at all. For two, I don't have half the equipment I might need. With some careful improvising and planning I think I could work around a lot of that, but it still hampers the ambition. I also don't have the funds, for three. What makes a recipe good is the ingredient, and much of the ingredients are somewhat pricey. I could swing it maybe 3-4 times a year, but not at all consistently. I know Carol had to carefully budget to pull off as many recipes as she did in such little time. I also know that the point isn't to try and swing this stuff consistently, but still, it is a reason. I'm not swimming in cash. I'm not even playing in the sprinklers. For four, I don't even have the book, nor can I afford to get the book. I haven't tried very hard to find a cheap copy for all the aforementioned reasons, although I do hope to get a copy some time soon.
What I HAVE done, however, is this. I have started going a little crazy in the kitchen. I'm not cooking through anything, I don't have the patience, time, money, or attention to do something like that. All of those things go to more important things. I have started reading a number of food blogs and printing off their recipes. I've also started tackling my moms classics like saffron risotto (no where near on mom's level, but it is the best dish I make no exception), Coq Au Vin, greens, broth, and this freaking awesome Mexican casserole. It might not seem like a real recipe since it has cream of crap in it, but holy moly, it knocks my socks off, and Husband cleans up 2/3 of it when I make it. I have a peanut noodle thing I LOVE to make. Its another fave of mine I can do. Every weekend I am attempting another recipe. I cook one or two new things a week. I think for a crazy busy full time working mom of a toddler who might not even have the satisfaction of a good dish to look forward to, this is kinda awesome. Because a lot of times I fail. I mean fail fail FAIL. Like throw it out, no one needs to suffer through that, lets eat grilled cheese instead, fail. Sometimes I'm convinced it is the recipe, but other times, I know it's me. And that is okay.
Why is this such a thing for me? Because I am good at anything I try. It sounds conceited, and I guess it is, but it is the truth. I am generally good at anything I try. Knitting, jewelry making, math, reading, singing, acting, teaching, writing, drawing, physics, construction, electronics, etc. I am a jack of all trades. In a way it is nice because, well, I'm decent at almost anything I try. I'll never be an expert, and I don't care. I don't have the personality to care about becoming specialized. If midwifery is for me, I'll never go on to be the the field's expert. But I'll be good at it. The one exception I've found so far? I know you've guessed it. Cooking. Truthfully, I'm not that shabby for someone who has only been trying for 3 years. Really, not shabby but not good. I'm not slightly talented. I do not have the upper hand. I have several friends (including husband) that are much better at this in the same amount of time of trying than I am. That is perfectly okay. Also, there are other things I'm not good at, but I don't care enough to try to get better or be bothered about it. I'm not good at organizing, but I don't care to be, get it? Well, I care to be a good cook. I have this mission in life to best my mom on this. I don't know why. I love my mom and admire her. And I have to be a better cook than she is. :-) I don't have to be, but it is something I just admire the crap out of and I want to emulate it. She is my cooking hero.
BUT, it was TFL that kicked my rear into gear. I had to get over my phobias and get to it. I wouldn't be good at this for awhile, and many things would be wasted in the pursuit to culinary happiness, but just like Carol, I had to just stop thinking about it and try to expand my comfort zone. Did I want to be known as the lady that ate out everyday? Or could I press through the bad dishes and become a respectable cook in the kitchen I pay a lot for (as it is the biggest room in our house by far)?
When you are good at almost everything you try, you shudder at the thought of hindrance of something you would like to do for lack of talent. I just can't say, "Looks like cooking isn't for me." Maybe if I were so bad it was lamentable, but I'm not. And I'm getting better, much better. Perhaps The French Laundry at Home came just at the opportune time and gets all the glory for something that would have happened anyway? I don't know or care. It was SUCH a pleasure to read that blog, and I know her next project will make me just as impatient for the next post as this one did.
Hopefully one day soon I can try the "Cornets". Or maybe the easy "Gazpacho". Also this dessert looks delightful! And honestly, though she hated making it, these sandwiches sound delish! And this. *drool* Until then, I will be perfecting my roasted chicken (which came out not all the way cooked last time.... uh huh)
I know you aren't reading this Carol Blymire, but thanks for sharing your hobby with us. You didn't have to blog it. You didn't have to let us in, but I'm really thankful you have. Thankful you will continue to. Some things are just entertaining, like tetris. Other things, like your blog, are insights into a quest. We saw your heroic side saddle your steed and take this challenge on full tilt with fear in your eyes, and cuts and bruises when you fell off. A lot of us are too afraid to dream. Too afraid to think of the cost. You showed us it is okay if life is hard, because then it has the chance to be good. You haven't impacted just my cooking. You've impacted the way I see life. I have fun. I refuse to be bored. I think about the things I want to do and try to figure out how I can get them done, even if they are spending more time playing with my son or changing my career. So... thanks, again. Have fun with Alinea!
I left her a rather lengthy comment talking about a number of things, but at the end I started to tell her about how her blog was shaping my life. I thought I would finish the thought here since I didn't want to leave such a huge comment in her comment section.
I haven't tried, and have no ambition to try any of the recipes in TFL soon. For one, they scare me silly. That might seem like I haven't learned a thing from TFLAH, but I have, believe me. But they are much too big for me. I'm still trying to get roasting a chicken down and making stock at all. For two, I don't have half the equipment I might need. With some careful improvising and planning I think I could work around a lot of that, but it still hampers the ambition. I also don't have the funds, for three. What makes a recipe good is the ingredient, and much of the ingredients are somewhat pricey. I could swing it maybe 3-4 times a year, but not at all consistently. I know Carol had to carefully budget to pull off as many recipes as she did in such little time. I also know that the point isn't to try and swing this stuff consistently, but still, it is a reason. I'm not swimming in cash. I'm not even playing in the sprinklers. For four, I don't even have the book, nor can I afford to get the book. I haven't tried very hard to find a cheap copy for all the aforementioned reasons, although I do hope to get a copy some time soon.
What I HAVE done, however, is this. I have started going a little crazy in the kitchen. I'm not cooking through anything, I don't have the patience, time, money, or attention to do something like that. All of those things go to more important things. I have started reading a number of food blogs and printing off their recipes. I've also started tackling my moms classics like saffron risotto (no where near on mom's level, but it is the best dish I make no exception), Coq Au Vin, greens, broth, and this freaking awesome Mexican casserole. It might not seem like a real recipe since it has cream of crap in it, but holy moly, it knocks my socks off, and Husband cleans up 2/3 of it when I make it. I have a peanut noodle thing I LOVE to make. Its another fave of mine I can do. Every weekend I am attempting another recipe. I cook one or two new things a week. I think for a crazy busy full time working mom of a toddler who might not even have the satisfaction of a good dish to look forward to, this is kinda awesome. Because a lot of times I fail. I mean fail fail FAIL. Like throw it out, no one needs to suffer through that, lets eat grilled cheese instead, fail. Sometimes I'm convinced it is the recipe, but other times, I know it's me. And that is okay.
Why is this such a thing for me? Because I am good at anything I try. It sounds conceited, and I guess it is, but it is the truth. I am generally good at anything I try. Knitting, jewelry making, math, reading, singing, acting, teaching, writing, drawing, physics, construction, electronics, etc. I am a jack of all trades. In a way it is nice because, well, I'm decent at almost anything I try. I'll never be an expert, and I don't care. I don't have the personality to care about becoming specialized. If midwifery is for me, I'll never go on to be the the field's expert. But I'll be good at it. The one exception I've found so far? I know you've guessed it. Cooking. Truthfully, I'm not that shabby for someone who has only been trying for 3 years. Really, not shabby but not good. I'm not slightly talented. I do not have the upper hand. I have several friends (including husband) that are much better at this in the same amount of time of trying than I am. That is perfectly okay. Also, there are other things I'm not good at, but I don't care enough to try to get better or be bothered about it. I'm not good at organizing, but I don't care to be, get it? Well, I care to be a good cook. I have this mission in life to best my mom on this. I don't know why. I love my mom and admire her. And I have to be a better cook than she is. :-) I don't have to be, but it is something I just admire the crap out of and I want to emulate it. She is my cooking hero.
BUT, it was TFL that kicked my rear into gear. I had to get over my phobias and get to it. I wouldn't be good at this for awhile, and many things would be wasted in the pursuit to culinary happiness, but just like Carol, I had to just stop thinking about it and try to expand my comfort zone. Did I want to be known as the lady that ate out everyday? Or could I press through the bad dishes and become a respectable cook in the kitchen I pay a lot for (as it is the biggest room in our house by far)?
When you are good at almost everything you try, you shudder at the thought of hindrance of something you would like to do for lack of talent. I just can't say, "Looks like cooking isn't for me." Maybe if I were so bad it was lamentable, but I'm not. And I'm getting better, much better. Perhaps The French Laundry at Home came just at the opportune time and gets all the glory for something that would have happened anyway? I don't know or care. It was SUCH a pleasure to read that blog, and I know her next project will make me just as impatient for the next post as this one did.
Hopefully one day soon I can try the "Cornets". Or maybe the easy "Gazpacho". Also this dessert looks delightful! And honestly, though she hated making it, these sandwiches sound delish! And this. *drool* Until then, I will be perfecting my roasted chicken (which came out not all the way cooked last time.... uh huh)
I know you aren't reading this Carol Blymire, but thanks for sharing your hobby with us. You didn't have to blog it. You didn't have to let us in, but I'm really thankful you have. Thankful you will continue to. Some things are just entertaining, like tetris. Other things, like your blog, are insights into a quest. We saw your heroic side saddle your steed and take this challenge on full tilt with fear in your eyes, and cuts and bruises when you fell off. A lot of us are too afraid to dream. Too afraid to think of the cost. You showed us it is okay if life is hard, because then it has the chance to be good. You haven't impacted just my cooking. You've impacted the way I see life. I have fun. I refuse to be bored. I think about the things I want to do and try to figure out how I can get them done, even if they are spending more time playing with my son or changing my career. So... thanks, again. Have fun with Alinea!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Birthing Assistant
I FINALLY got a hold of my midwife (seriously, the woman has been swamped). We FINALLY talked about me helping with births! I'm FINALLY on her on call list!
And here is the best news. I will be working for free for some time. I don't know how long. I will be working in the middle of the night and on weekends, maybe. Currently, I have no one to help me watch Matthew when I'm called on the weekend. So, in truth, while I am freakishly excited, I don't know how I'm going to do this. All of my friends are so busy and can't commit to being on call. I know a couple of people, but they are kind of out of the way. The one person I could for sure count on, Husband's mom, I don't want to bother since Sat is the only real day off she gets. Yick... Lord. Please send someone to help me.... Some ones to help me.
I wish I could just make a list of anyone willing and then give them all one day a month and maybe or maybe not need them depending on if I'm needed. I don't know if this is going to work like that.
And here is the best news. I will be working for free for some time. I don't know how long. I will be working in the middle of the night and on weekends, maybe. Currently, I have no one to help me watch Matthew when I'm called on the weekend. So, in truth, while I am freakishly excited, I don't know how I'm going to do this. All of my friends are so busy and can't commit to being on call. I know a couple of people, but they are kind of out of the way. The one person I could for sure count on, Husband's mom, I don't want to bother since Sat is the only real day off she gets. Yick... Lord. Please send someone to help me.... Some ones to help me.
I wish I could just make a list of anyone willing and then give them all one day a month and maybe or maybe not need them depending on if I'm needed. I don't know if this is going to work like that.
Friday, October 3, 2008
X-Box 360
I am so very bad ass.
Our X-box 360 gave us the finger a couple of weeks ago, and by that, I mean the Red Ring of Death. It is a ring, 3/4 the way lit that flashes red meaning, "Uh, I'm not working any more and you can't make me." Unless of course you ship your box ($30) to Microsoft and pay their extortion ($160) to fix it. Hm. Sweet. Especially when the price of a new box is about $200 or something like that. Husband found this "fix it yourself" video linked from the Microsoft website, so it seemed legit. He went ahead and ordered the parts and then said to me, "Hey, babe, I think you can do this. Why don't you give fixing it a shot?" Uh, because I'm not an electrician? What a set up! Yeah, put me in charge so that it is my fault if the damn thing was a rip off and the X-box blows up in my face and he has an excuse to spend several hundred dollars on a new one! I don't think so!
Well, he gave me the puppy dog look and the line, "It's not like that. I just know you like taking things apart and putting them back together. I thought it would be fun for you...." Dammit. Then I felt bad for jumping to conclusions and blaming him for being a prick when I was the prick. Now I had to take on the liability. Such is marriage.
So the parts came in the mail and I spent the better part of 2 hours (it was supposed to be a one hour fix) scrubbing of dried caked thermal grease from these sensors. Then I lovingly spread some new goo on and reconnected some important parts to wait for the thing to heat up and re-glue everything together. It was supposed to blink 3 red lights for 2 min and then blink 2 red lights for 2 more min for a total of 4. It didn't. It just continued on with the 3 red lights of death, and I slumped in defeat. Husband gave me a hardy pat on the back and a encouraging, "Nice try."
I wasn't going to dump the whole unassembled thing in the trash, so I finished up the video, just in case. I plugged it back in and sure as shit, we had green lights!!!!!!
THANK GOODNESS! I was so excited. Warren fell in love with me again and we had a good time that night celebrating my victory!
Right before you half way reassemble things, you are supposed to hand tighten the bolts, which I did, but I don't think they were tightened enough. I think that's why it wasn't working right. Then after your 4 min test, you tighten them with a wrench and reassemble the whole thing, so I went ahead with that and WALA! Magic! Working X-Box 360!
Like I said, I am so very bad ass.
Our X-box 360 gave us the finger a couple of weeks ago, and by that, I mean the Red Ring of Death. It is a ring, 3/4 the way lit that flashes red meaning, "Uh, I'm not working any more and you can't make me." Unless of course you ship your box ($30) to Microsoft and pay their extortion ($160) to fix it. Hm. Sweet. Especially when the price of a new box is about $200 or something like that. Husband found this "fix it yourself" video linked from the Microsoft website, so it seemed legit. He went ahead and ordered the parts and then said to me, "Hey, babe, I think you can do this. Why don't you give fixing it a shot?" Uh, because I'm not an electrician? What a set up! Yeah, put me in charge so that it is my fault if the damn thing was a rip off and the X-box blows up in my face and he has an excuse to spend several hundred dollars on a new one! I don't think so!
Well, he gave me the puppy dog look and the line, "It's not like that. I just know you like taking things apart and putting them back together. I thought it would be fun for you...." Dammit. Then I felt bad for jumping to conclusions and blaming him for being a prick when I was the prick. Now I had to take on the liability. Such is marriage.
So the parts came in the mail and I spent the better part of 2 hours (it was supposed to be a one hour fix) scrubbing of dried caked thermal grease from these sensors. Then I lovingly spread some new goo on and reconnected some important parts to wait for the thing to heat up and re-glue everything together. It was supposed to blink 3 red lights for 2 min and then blink 2 red lights for 2 more min for a total of 4. It didn't. It just continued on with the 3 red lights of death, and I slumped in defeat. Husband gave me a hardy pat on the back and a encouraging, "Nice try."
I wasn't going to dump the whole unassembled thing in the trash, so I finished up the video, just in case. I plugged it back in and sure as shit, we had green lights!!!!!!
THANK GOODNESS! I was so excited. Warren fell in love with me again and we had a good time that night celebrating my victory!
Right before you half way reassemble things, you are supposed to hand tighten the bolts, which I did, but I don't think they were tightened enough. I think that's why it wasn't working right. Then after your 4 min test, you tighten them with a wrench and reassemble the whole thing, so I went ahead with that and WALA! Magic! Working X-Box 360!
Like I said, I am so very bad ass.
AANNDDDDD I'm convinced!
If this midwifery route is for me, it will be the CPM. I just read a blog entry on a woman in CNM school who is basically in med school. I don't think so. I don't have the time, the money, or the heart to do that. No way. I have what I believe to be a very sound theory about the way life is going to be for U.S. citizens. It is going to be less rosy.
We live in such a time where we have the luxury of choice every day, all day. This won't last forever. We are one or two more major crisis's away from being just like every Joe blow country out there struggling to make it. I hope it doesn't happen, but it could. I can't take out the kind of loans it would take to get my CNM, because they could come take my house. I don't care to spend 8 years becoming a CNM because I want to be practicing ASAP. What if the crash happens before I am licensed (aka educated)? Then it was for naught and I still don't have a house. And I don't care to care for a woman through her whole life (and be educated to do it). I care to help women birth babies. When/If things end up for the rest of us like they are in Houston and New Orleans, then we need to be real. A birthing mom won't give a crap if I can prescribe a medication no one has access to, she cares if I can help get that kid out of her. Plus, I still believe that 8 years field experience is more valuable than 8 years of book experience that might have nothing to do with what I want to do anyway. If it is to be, then CPM it is, unless otherwise convinced.
We live in such a time where we have the luxury of choice every day, all day. This won't last forever. We are one or two more major crisis's away from being just like every Joe blow country out there struggling to make it. I hope it doesn't happen, but it could. I can't take out the kind of loans it would take to get my CNM, because they could come take my house. I don't care to spend 8 years becoming a CNM because I want to be practicing ASAP. What if the crash happens before I am licensed (aka educated)? Then it was for naught and I still don't have a house. And I don't care to care for a woman through her whole life (and be educated to do it). I care to help women birth babies. When/If things end up for the rest of us like they are in Houston and New Orleans, then we need to be real. A birthing mom won't give a crap if I can prescribe a medication no one has access to, she cares if I can help get that kid out of her. Plus, I still believe that 8 years field experience is more valuable than 8 years of book experience that might have nothing to do with what I want to do anyway. If it is to be, then CPM it is, unless otherwise convinced.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thoughts - 9-26-08
I don't know why I'm not losing weight. I'm doin the stinkin program right, and Im trying to go to God for everything? Eh. Guess I'll just have to do more of that trusting God thing. Sheesh. :-)
Speaking of Weigh Down, I'm a starvin' marvin. I want some serious food in my belly. Perhaps Pad Thai? mmmmm.... its a deal!
I loved the season premire of Grey's Anatomy! Wow! Im lovin this new dude for Christina! Except he is kinda scary. And I know he said he wouldn't stay, but I think he will. George and Lexi? Eh. Dont really care, Im not feeling the chemistry. I wish the man would just take it easy and focus on the work for a few more shows. So glad Rose isn't really pregnant, I thought I was gonna have to stop watching. The show is almost a soap opera as it is, I dont think I could stay a fan if it went into real soap opera territory. And I want some good things for Slone DANGIT! He is one of my fave characters. They are all so good looking, but nothin is as fun to watch as a man finding himself. But isn't that what Alex is going through? Maybe, but he is a huge jerk. You can go through hard things, but that doesn't entitle you to be a jerk to EVERYONE. I'm just sayin.
I also caught Ugly Betty, and MAN do I love that show. Not as much as Grey's or Private Practice (so cant wait until that premire airs!) It is just so sweet. And I am loving wating her grow up because it just feels so much like what I'm going through in my life, growing up and learning and trying and leaping, and all that great stuff.
Its time to go! PAD THAI!
Speaking of Weigh Down, I'm a starvin' marvin. I want some serious food in my belly. Perhaps Pad Thai? mmmmm.... its a deal!
I loved the season premire of Grey's Anatomy! Wow! Im lovin this new dude for Christina! Except he is kinda scary. And I know he said he wouldn't stay, but I think he will. George and Lexi? Eh. Dont really care, Im not feeling the chemistry. I wish the man would just take it easy and focus on the work for a few more shows. So glad Rose isn't really pregnant, I thought I was gonna have to stop watching. The show is almost a soap opera as it is, I dont think I could stay a fan if it went into real soap opera territory. And I want some good things for Slone DANGIT! He is one of my fave characters. They are all so good looking, but nothin is as fun to watch as a man finding himself. But isn't that what Alex is going through? Maybe, but he is a huge jerk. You can go through hard things, but that doesn't entitle you to be a jerk to EVERYONE. I'm just sayin.
I also caught Ugly Betty, and MAN do I love that show. Not as much as Grey's or Private Practice (so cant wait until that premire airs!) It is just so sweet. And I am loving wating her grow up because it just feels so much like what I'm going through in my life, growing up and learning and trying and leaping, and all that great stuff.
Its time to go! PAD THAI!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Meeting with a Midwife
So, I drove my happy self to another birthing center just down the road from the one I used! The coincidence seems odd. The only two birthing centers I've heard of are smack dab in the same scary part of town, 2 min apart. Whatever.
This was quite an operation! This birthing center has something like 5 or 6 midwives on staff, and 3 apprentices. Whoa dang! I learned so much about the place. Also, I loved chatting with April, the woman who showed me around. Some of the other midwives I've talked to have treated me like I wasn't cool enough to join the club, so it was so very refreshing to spend some time with someone so excited about educating me about midwifery and their apprenticeship program. I think the CPM route is the one I will end up persuing. I just think the time you spend becoming qualified to be a nurse midwife is too valuable to be used in school. I really feel like 8 years of being there with the birthing moms is so much more valuable than being in school where most of the time you aren't touching anything resembling midwifery, mothers or babies. My academia mind is not pleased with my latest opinion. But I'm not set on one certain thing right now. I still have yet to hear from the nurse midwife I know about helping out with some births. The woman has been crazy crazy busy, so I'm not even a little offended. However, if she was less then serious then she will have to do more than avoid my calls. *crazy gleam in my eyes*
I wish I could better pin down how this meeting with April made me feel. The women in the practice were all very different, very caring. They really did like to hear what I had to say, kept asking me questions. I think the vast majority of them were Christian. April let me ask some very hard questions. I asked how she felt CPM's and CNM's compared and if CPM's were a less safe choice. I asked her about infant demise, something Husband is very worried about for me. I asked her about the lifestyle and she gave it to me pretty straight. I even felt comfortable explaining how I thought this might be like a calling for me, so I am being very fearful and slow about it. She really seemed to understand. All in all, it was a terrific experience. I feel much more connected? knowledgable? I certainly feel like I have a better feel of the pace of a midwives life. I've been reading some fantastic midwifery blogs, but sometimes they are just so politically charged, and I don't want to be involved with that so much. I just want to help women have a wonderful, safe, beautiful experience.
I think to sum up what I think of midwifery, I'ld have to rip off the phrase, "It's not the destination that matters, but the journey." I look at the journey of women who have labored in a hospital, and it just looks unnessecarily hard. It makes me want to throw them a party for managing to do it at all. I look at the journey of women who have birthed in birthing centers or at home, and they look like they've have a whole lot of fun. The truth for low risk, healthy women is that the destination is almost always the same, a happy healthy child, but what the mom goes through to get there differs greatly.
This was quite an operation! This birthing center has something like 5 or 6 midwives on staff, and 3 apprentices. Whoa dang! I learned so much about the place. Also, I loved chatting with April, the woman who showed me around. Some of the other midwives I've talked to have treated me like I wasn't cool enough to join the club, so it was so very refreshing to spend some time with someone so excited about educating me about midwifery and their apprenticeship program. I think the CPM route is the one I will end up persuing. I just think the time you spend becoming qualified to be a nurse midwife is too valuable to be used in school. I really feel like 8 years of being there with the birthing moms is so much more valuable than being in school where most of the time you aren't touching anything resembling midwifery, mothers or babies. My academia mind is not pleased with my latest opinion. But I'm not set on one certain thing right now. I still have yet to hear from the nurse midwife I know about helping out with some births. The woman has been crazy crazy busy, so I'm not even a little offended. However, if she was less then serious then she will have to do more than avoid my calls. *crazy gleam in my eyes*
I wish I could better pin down how this meeting with April made me feel. The women in the practice were all very different, very caring. They really did like to hear what I had to say, kept asking me questions. I think the vast majority of them were Christian. April let me ask some very hard questions. I asked how she felt CPM's and CNM's compared and if CPM's were a less safe choice. I asked her about infant demise, something Husband is very worried about for me. I asked her about the lifestyle and she gave it to me pretty straight. I even felt comfortable explaining how I thought this might be like a calling for me, so I am being very fearful and slow about it. She really seemed to understand. All in all, it was a terrific experience. I feel much more connected? knowledgable? I certainly feel like I have a better feel of the pace of a midwives life. I've been reading some fantastic midwifery blogs, but sometimes they are just so politically charged, and I don't want to be involved with that so much. I just want to help women have a wonderful, safe, beautiful experience.
I think to sum up what I think of midwifery, I'ld have to rip off the phrase, "It's not the destination that matters, but the journey." I look at the journey of women who have labored in a hospital, and it just looks unnessecarily hard. It makes me want to throw them a party for managing to do it at all. I look at the journey of women who have birthed in birthing centers or at home, and they look like they've have a whole lot of fun. The truth for low risk, healthy women is that the destination is almost always the same, a happy healthy child, but what the mom goes through to get there differs greatly.
The Birthday
The birthday of my brother went fine. Well, it went fine, but there were some really terrible moments. Well, just one really terrible moment. I spent all day wondering if I were going to be late to the dang thing I was supposed to be cooking for because of my meeting with some midwives (posting about that next). And I was, but brother and his girlfriend were even later. I think the poor dear might be a little afraid of me. Perhaps both the poor dears are. Anyway, Husband made most of the food, I finished up and then I get yet another call that this ADULT is going to be even later than expected.
Really, its not such a huge thing, except I've got this 18 month old that just goes ape shit when he isn't in bed by 8:30. He is the crankiest crank ever. Couple this with his absolute hatred of missing anything (wonder where he gets that from.................... no I don't). It's a recipe for the world's worst evening. No I wont go to bed! Why the hell are you still here, I need to go to bed! For the love of god, what is going on?! And then his head starts spinning. It's terrible. Well, lucky for me, my brother was so late, Matthew was already in bed. Perfect! Except we spent the whole evening whispering, "Happy Birthday Brother. SHUT THE HELL UP!"
But because of this worry of trying to do something nice, being disrespected (in all fairness it was the girlfriend's school's fault, but whatever), worrying about Son, trying to get a lot of food made, and probably a healthy dose of "I'm a crazy" I ended up just losing it. I just start bawling like a baby. I had to go outside because I didn't want to wake the real baby. Husband doesn't deal with my tears very well (posting about that after the next post) so I was pretty much left to myself to suck it up and be nice to be soon to be arriving guests. But I didn't. I snapped at Warren and said a fistful of mean things. I cried some more. Some of the food got over cooked (no one noticed though because it was Husband's roast, and he makes a kick butt roast (get it?)). Right when they arrived, I fled to the bedroom to take another minute and do something about my red eyes. I came out totally poised and ready to have a sweet birthday dinner.
And it worked. Everything went well. I ignored Husband for most of the meal and concentrated on Brother and Girlfriend. Husband took a call that lasted the rest of the time they were there, which would have really offended me any other time, but this time I was grateful. I shoved pretty tasty fair down every one's throat, and then we finished Brother's birthday gift, home made Thin Mints. Yeah, like the ones the Girl Scouts sell. Boo Yah. Its a simple process, but a rather long one without machinery, and it costs as much as one of those boxes. So I recommend them for the truly desperate. So, all in all, a fine time. I can't remember if Husband and I worked it out, we've had another different argument since then and have also recovered from that.
I can't post the recipe because the site has a pretty straight forward and hard to miss policy, but here is how to find it. Go to www.topsecretrecipes.com. Click on the "Recipes" box. I think the Girl Scout Cookies Thin Mints were on page 8. Sorry that is so round about. I was afraid to post the link because you have to agree to something something and I didn't want it to not work. Plus I'm lazy. But not too lazy to make these cookies! A couple of my own notes. If you can buy some kind of chocolate wafer that is on the thinnish side, I would highly recommend it! I think Nabisco has one you can get on eBay, but that stores don't carry. I dunno. Whatever, if you can get them, then all you have to do is coat! The second thought has to do with coating. I think I'm not such a fan of how much shortening they use. Should I make these again, I'm going to try to used much less. I think it keeps the chocolate from resetting as well. But keep in mind, that is an untested thought! The orig recipe is delish but it will melt in you hand! There ya go.
Really, its not such a huge thing, except I've got this 18 month old that just goes ape shit when he isn't in bed by 8:30. He is the crankiest crank ever. Couple this with his absolute hatred of missing anything (wonder where he gets that from.................... no I don't). It's a recipe for the world's worst evening. No I wont go to bed! Why the hell are you still here, I need to go to bed! For the love of god, what is going on?! And then his head starts spinning. It's terrible. Well, lucky for me, my brother was so late, Matthew was already in bed. Perfect! Except we spent the whole evening whispering, "Happy Birthday Brother. SHUT THE HELL UP!"
But because of this worry of trying to do something nice, being disrespected (in all fairness it was the girlfriend's school's fault, but whatever), worrying about Son, trying to get a lot of food made, and probably a healthy dose of "I'm a crazy" I ended up just losing it. I just start bawling like a baby. I had to go outside because I didn't want to wake the real baby. Husband doesn't deal with my tears very well (posting about that after the next post) so I was pretty much left to myself to suck it up and be nice to be soon to be arriving guests. But I didn't. I snapped at Warren and said a fistful of mean things. I cried some more. Some of the food got over cooked (no one noticed though because it was Husband's roast, and he makes a kick butt roast (get it?)). Right when they arrived, I fled to the bedroom to take another minute and do something about my red eyes. I came out totally poised and ready to have a sweet birthday dinner.
And it worked. Everything went well. I ignored Husband for most of the meal and concentrated on Brother and Girlfriend. Husband took a call that lasted the rest of the time they were there, which would have really offended me any other time, but this time I was grateful. I shoved pretty tasty fair down every one's throat, and then we finished Brother's birthday gift, home made Thin Mints. Yeah, like the ones the Girl Scouts sell. Boo Yah. Its a simple process, but a rather long one without machinery, and it costs as much as one of those boxes. So I recommend them for the truly desperate. So, all in all, a fine time. I can't remember if Husband and I worked it out, we've had another different argument since then and have also recovered from that.
I can't post the recipe because the site has a pretty straight forward and hard to miss policy, but here is how to find it. Go to www.topsecretrecipes.com. Click on the "Recipes" box. I think the Girl Scout Cookies Thin Mints were on page 8. Sorry that is so round about. I was afraid to post the link because you have to agree to something something and I didn't want it to not work. Plus I'm lazy. But not too lazy to make these cookies! A couple of my own notes. If you can buy some kind of chocolate wafer that is on the thinnish side, I would highly recommend it! I think Nabisco has one you can get on eBay, but that stores don't carry. I dunno. Whatever, if you can get them, then all you have to do is coat! The second thought has to do with coating. I think I'm not such a fan of how much shortening they use. Should I make these again, I'm going to try to used much less. I think it keeps the chocolate from resetting as well. But keep in mind, that is an untested thought! The orig recipe is delish but it will melt in you hand! There ya go.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Things On My Mind Lately
The midwife thing. I have my appt with the CPM's tomorrow night! Yay! And my CNM hasn't called me back about the birth assistant thing. But hopefully that works out okay.
My brother's 22 b-day. I have this philosophy that you aren't an adult until you are 22. Before 18, you are too busy dreaming about being an "adult", 18-21 is like an internship, but when you hit 22. TADAH, Adult! There really are no more excuses for you once you are 22. A young adult, for sure, but still, a ful fledged adult! We are celebrating tomorrow (I know, a busy day! Ill try and remember and post about it).
Im stealing 2 batteries from work so my camera works again. I freaking need more pictures of my family!
I need a hair cut, in a bad bad bad way!
And I really really am enjoying Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga WAY too much.
My brother's 22 b-day. I have this philosophy that you aren't an adult until you are 22. Before 18, you are too busy dreaming about being an "adult", 18-21 is like an internship, but when you hit 22. TADAH, Adult! There really are no more excuses for you once you are 22. A young adult, for sure, but still, a ful fledged adult! We are celebrating tomorrow (I know, a busy day! Ill try and remember and post about it).
Im stealing 2 batteries from work so my camera works again. I freaking need more pictures of my family!
I need a hair cut, in a bad bad bad way!
And I really really am enjoying Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga WAY too much.
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